DP’s ExW

[Chunkychips23]

Bit of a long one..

I’ve been with DP for nearly five years and we’re getting married in a few months.

He has three kids from a previous relationship, ages ranging from 15-21yrs

After DP and I got together, I offered to meet the ex prior to me meeting the children. I then offered after I met them, then again before DP and I moved in together. She refused everytime and has zero interest. I was very much a non entity to her, which is fine. I respected her boundaries and decisions. I just offered as I thought as the Mum, she had a right to know who her kids would be staying with twice a week.

She’s always been relatively high conflict with my DP, but has mostly kept me out of her animosity. What happens between them two is exactly that, between them two. For context, her issues with DP have been around him only paying for the children and not paying her extra for her up-keep as an ex wife, as she needs to be kept as well as the children (she’s from a wealthy family and her mother was paid by her father up until his death. She thinks that’s the norm. My DP is not wealthy at all) Also disagreements over parenting styles - she doesn’t think kids should be disciplined and that she is the authority of the kids (she’ll ring when the kids stay over repeatedly) She also thinks that DP has to answer every call, email or text immediately as she is the mother of his kids and nothing is as important as her.

Regardless of the above, I’ve kept out of it. As a mother, she’s done what she feels is best and I’m not going to criticise that.

Over the last few months the two youngest kids have started to refuse to see DP. The middle child has always been up and down with this. He has some serious behavioural issues (has been violent to his Mum, can’t be disciplined, criminal behaviour etc) and unfortunately DP’s ex will often give into him as she’s very wary of him. DP doesn’t tolerate the behaviour, so the SS16 refuses to come over. SD is now also refusing to see DP unless it’s to take her on day trips she wants such as shopping and meals out. Otherwise she won’t see him.

DP thinks there has been some parental alienation, especially with the youngest as she’s said some things to him that a child wouldn’t say. I used to have a very good relationship with SD, but she became distant and hostile with me. I thought it was just me, but she has iced out ALL of DP’s family, including his Mum & Dad.

DP and his ex ended up arguing as he’s frustrated at not being able to see his kids and the ex said she’s refusing to get involved as it’s not her problem. DP is keen to get SS16 assessed by a psychologist as his behaviour is worrying and it’s unacceptable how he can hit his Mum and there be no consequences (he confronted SS about this, who then called his Mum and she denied ever saying he’d hit her)

The ex is now dragging me into it, saying that one of the reasons the kids are refusing to see DP is because I’ve never bothered with her and it’s weird how I haven’t introduced myself - I’m sat here a bit like wtf! I’ve offered multiple times. And that he spends his money on me (he really doesn’t! I have my own money and everything is 50/50)

DP and I are getting married in a few months, so the timing of this and all the kid issues are definitely linked. I don’t think the kids have an issue with us getting married, but I’m now certain an issue has been made or fuelled by the ex. They’ve been divorced for nearly 14yrs and DP did have another relationship in between (BM was incredibly hostile to his ex gf)

Im now really apprehensive about meeting her, as she has been known to manipulate conversations and twist the narrative. It’s just strange how she’s now demanding it a few months before my and DP. She’s always made it very clear that DP and I are not family, she, him and their kids are. I’m just the girlfriend.

If I meet up with her, do you think it will help with DP getting access to his kids again? I don’t want to subject myself to any hostility whilst I’m currently pregnant (nobody knows yet, so no, this isn’t the reason for the issues…yet)

If it’s important to the kids, I’ll do it too, but DP doesn’t think that’s actually her reason for wanting to meet me. The eldest has said none of his siblings have ever had an issue with us not meeting their mum.

Argh, just don’t know what to do for the best.

Thank you for making it to the end of my massive essay! Baby brain + all this chaos, I just don’t know what to think or do here

What’s she going to do if she doesn’t like you?

This could just add fuel to the fire.

Be prepared for it to go nuclear when they find out you're pregnant.

Given the state of affairs,.suspect the two younger children won't be seeing your partner once they are told about the baby. Is your DP bracing himself for that? how will you both handle it?

I’d suggest a brief coffee or sports event together with your fiancé and the children. Don’t meet her alone if she’s likely to twist things.

I’d be preparing for them to ramp it up for your wedding and refuse to attend, and to escalate it when they find out you’re pregnant too.

Don't meet her. She's not interested in meeting you, she's only interested in exerting control. Meeting you is not going to solve the problem because you are not the problem. She had her chance previously and knocked it back. She doesn't get to call the shots.

You partner clearly doesn't have many boundaries with her. Why was she able to call him all the time? Why was he answering straight away just because that's what she wanted? He needs to block her. The kids are old enough that they can communicate without their mum being involved.

As for the parental alienation, sadly I don't think there's much your DP can do. They're at an age where they can make their own decisions and it's a bit late to take things to court.

He should also not pander to his DD who is clearly just using him as a cash machine. If she'll only see him when she's getting something then she doesn't see him. As hard as that may be. It'll only escalate to the point where he's having to buy her a new car to see her just to be dropped like a hot potato. It'll encourage her to become more of an entitled spoiled brat.

The ex sounds like pure poison. Keep your distance. Both of you. Like I said, therr is absolutely zero need for your DP to still be in contact with her.

The issue is his ex is losing control. Both of your fiancé because you’ll have ‘higher’ status as his wife than she does as his ex-wife, and of her own children if they’re being violent towards her.

Don't meet her. She just wants to stir the shit. She sounds awful.

Poor kids - but they'll see through her eventually.

Its absolutely going to go nuclear. I’m already incredibly anxious thinking about it all.

SS will definitely use it as an excuse for behaviour and SD will struggle to cope with not being the baby anymore. DP thinks we should hold off for a while, which I agree with. But he definitely shouldn’t leave it so the kids are the last to know, that would be worse! (My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage, so we’re not announcing for a while yet anyway)

SD will likely come round eventually. Before all of this she was an incredibly kind hearted, compassionate kid. But if there is parental alienation going on, it’s going to be a hell of a lot harder :(

I don’t think the ex will like me regardless. I’m not sure what she’s wanting to get out of meeting me now.

I'd keep well out of it all. My DH's ex is high-conflict, we've never met. Not my problem to deal with.

DP doesn’t answer her random calls. She kicks off and says that it could be about the kids so he needs to answer. He’s enforced the “if it’s important, leave a message or send me a text” Her response is that she shouldn’t have to. He just ignores her.

I think people are right, it’s about control. It’s sad really, as we could have all got on fine. DP is a good Dad, albeit a bit of a Disneyland Dad at times, but overtime I now understand why. If he doesn’t give in, the kids withdraw their love and the ex W fuels it

If it’s stressing you out, step back. Your fiancé needs to step up his boundaries, block her number and he can pay CMS routinely and discuss anything he needs to directly with his teenagers. If they’re choosing not to visit, there’s not much he can do at their ages. Just keep it light, keep the invitation open for their regular contact and they’ll come back in time.

I suspect the more energy you give this, the more his ex will be high conflict and ultimately the more you’ll suffer. Put the baby first and grey rock.

Stay well away from her and keep those boundaries firmly up.

The kids are older now anyway, so really no need to meet her or talk to her now anyway. The kids aren’t exactly vulnerable little children anymore. So nothing to discuss with her and nothing to prove to her.

After all this time of ghosting you, it’s really odd she now wants to meet you and make sure you’re suitable. As I said, the children aren’t even little anymore so the need to meet has been and gone. She just wants to meet you to cause trouble now.

Keep her shut out of your life. She probably did you a big favour by ignoring you at the beginning. I think especially as you’re having a baby, the need to keep toxic people out of your life is even greater now. She will just try to stress you out and you don’t need or deserve that.

DP is a good Dad, albeit a bit of a Disneyland Dad at times, but overtime I now understand why. If he doesn’t give in, the kids withdraw their love and the ex W fuels it

Unfortunately it’s not love they’re withdrawing if it’s entirely conditional upon your DP giving them what they want. He needs to play the long game because one day when they’re older, they’ll be able to step back and see for themselves what kind of man their father is and make their own judgements according to his values and principles. If the parental alienation is that strong that they won’t ever be free from their mum’s influence then giving into his children is only going to further their contempt and lack of respect for him.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'd just say sure! And say hi next time she drops the kids off. That's all that's needed. She's playing midnight games and yeah it's going to blow-up when you have the baby which is really sad as its her own children she's damaging

That would be a hard "no" from me.
I met DHs ex at the same time as DSD as she wanted to give me a lecture about all the things I wasn't allowed to do with or for DSD. Made her feel better and I had no intention of getting that involved with her child (discipline, intimate care etc etc) so no skin off my nose.
Even so, it all hit the fan big time when we got engaged and then I got pregnant.
I was also "just the new girlfriend" while she reigned supreme as Mother of His Child and my promotions clearly rattled her. Everything was a problem all of a sudden.
We held firm, maintenance and contact were unchanged, DH has never let ex or DSD down. Eventually we reached the current situation where it's all mutual respect and helping each other out. Never would have believed we would get here.
I think that's all your DP can do - remain consistent. However, you should not be placed in the firing line now. She's had her chance. You need to look after yourself and your baby as number 1 priority and you just don't need the stress.

@tikkanaan
thats all I did…

Don’t meet her OP. You are not the problem and she’s just trying to cause drama before your wedding because she can’t handle the fact that she will be firmly put in her place as the ex and you as his wife. You will all be a family unit.
This is all about her.
The children could well just be wanting to do their own thing given their ages, but I dare say that their mum is contributing to it with her ill feelings about you getting married. We had a difficult with with DSD when we got married, despite her being excited about the wedding, etc, as time went on things changed and that change can have only come from one place.
Controlling exes can’t stand the father of their child/ren moving on.

Don't meet her, but continue to make the effort with the children. When you’re ready to announce your pregnancy be prepared for more drama, but ultimately protect yourself. And reassure the younger DC that it’s a positive thing, the baby will love them so much, etc. (Mum will no doubt try to say your DP is more interested in his “new family” but you remain firm and keep giving the children reassurance)

She’s only just started dropping them off and she doesn’t ever get out of the car. DP has to go over to the car to talk to her, she’ll never get out of it.

I saw her once when she chose to park facing the house and waved. I just got blanked.

The eldest SS has said before he thinks she’s crazy - I don’t engage with that chat, as regardless she’s still his mother. That’s also making me very wary of meeting her. I can imagine her trying to exert control or twisting things

Just don’t do it and forget about her.

This is a really special time for you, focus on your pregnancy. We went through court throughout my pregnancy and I wish I’d not had that stress to be honest.

My immediate thought is that she wants to create drama right before your wedding

I’ve said no. Not had a response about that yet, so expecting some fall out from that.

Good choice, OP. This situation is very similar to ours; there is no good to come from meeting her, she just wants another outlet for blame.

Grey rock the manipulative behaviour