Dsd attitude to me is changing for the worse

[Levithecat]

I’ve only been in my partner’s daughter’s life for a year or so (not married and we don’t live together). She is 12, nearly 13. She sees her dad every weekend and they speak or video call pretty much every night. I adore her, and so far she’s always sought me out to spend time with/chat to. I try to leave them to their time together so only actually see her about once a month (she added me on Snapchat and used to send me messages or ask to speak to me on the phone). I only have sons so it’s been lovely spending time with a girl!

over the past month or so she’s become colder towards me. I think it’s partly that her dad and I had a holiday together without any kids (we have one with kids booked), and that I get more physical time with him than she does because he’s the non resident parent.

how do I navigate this so that it works out? Her dad’s view is that we should all spend time together and she’s just being teenager-y, but I think I’d feel the same if it was my dad and be a bit jealous/feel left out.

what’s the best approach here? Giving them more time alone so she feels reassured, or spending more time all together so she knows I’m here to stay and I’ll be ok? or is this just standard as kids become teenagers (I was a miserable bag of hormones at that age)? We would like to move in together at some point in the next few years.

thanks

I think you can do a bit of both. Spend time with them but also allow her time alone with just her dad. I'd also suggest spending time just with her on the odd occasion so you can get to bond. Maybe a girly shopping trip or a visit to the nail bar. Something she wouldn't necessarily do with dad.

She may just be pushing boundaries with you. You've been in her life a year. If she likes you she may be testing you to see if you'll stick around or if you'll just leave. She may also just be a typical teenager. I wouldn't think too much into it.

She's allowed to feel jealous that you get to spend more time with dad than she does or that you have a holiday planned without her, it doesn't mean you have to start pandering to her or tolerating bad behaviour from her. It's only been a month's she's been acting like this. And from your post it doesn't really sound like bad behaviour, more so that she's not engaging with you as much as she used to. And while it may be upsetting that the relationship seems to have changed, she's not obligated to Snapchat you etc. Just see how it goes and if it escalates then I'd expect your DP to step in and speak to her.

Thanks so much @Laurdo - I completely agree and I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, I just can see things that DP probably doesn’t, and I don’t want to it to escalate.
spending some 121 time together is a great idea. I have left her alone, not messaging her etc but maybe something casual asking if she’d like to do something together