Burned out stepmonster

[justbeingme1]

I feel so burned out by the relentlessness of being a stepmum. I won't go into specifics because I just want a hand hold from people that know how it is to always come second, third fourth/last position in their husbands life.
My daughter and I (she's 1) are left to it most of the time unless the DSC arrive then it's just a chaotic headache when they are here. They come three evenings a week and every Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening, all the fun stuff gets saved for their arrival so I feel like we are just extras in the film about them.
I've thought about leaving but that seems extreme and if we do leave I'll still have to fit our lives around his ex and their children, I'd have to mirror her contact arrangement. Basically it feels like I've married his ex wife and her routine.
The only thing that makes me feel better is reading bits of Stepmonster when I feel low, it makes me feel a bit more normal.
Please tell me I'm not alone, I've been a step mum for 4 years and it doesn't seem to get any easier, please say it does as they get older as that's the only thing keeping me going

Why are you staying in this situation?

Why have a child and bring them into a situation that mskes you unhappy?

You need to put your child first.

Leave and make a life for yourself.

You are exhausted because you are being used as skivvy aupair by him.

Only you can change this situation.

Have you spoken to DH?

@CharlotteStreetW1 yes, he gets very defensive and says, what do you want me to do... see my kids less?
It's pretty reasonable of him to carry on seeing them as much as he always did. He's classed as NRP although I feel we do more work than RP in terms of hours put in. We just don't get overnights apart from once a week

You need to speak to DH. I'm a stepmum and I definitely don't feel second place behind my DSD. Yes im sure that if there was a fire and he could only save one of us, he'd go for DSD (but then probably so would I), but generally day to day we are all treated as equal members of the family, with all our wants and needs equally balanced. Your DH isn't doing that by the sounds of things

Just here for that hand-hold OP, I understand you. It's incredibly tough being a step mum. Even tougher when you feel like you and your child's needs always come second because of Dad guilt. You said if you leave you would have to mirror the ex's contact schedule? Is there any reason why? I mean, I get you'd want to encourage a sibling relationship but they don't always have to be exactly the same days surely so little one gets to spend 121 time with Dad too.
Contact at the point of split is a negotiation.
Anyways, deep down: do you want to leave or rather improve the situation? One of those options will need a lot of work from your husband to understand that everyone needs to come first every once in a while.

I think he does the best he can when juggling a job and being a parent to his first children. The dynamics mean he can't be all things to everyone.
I feel I've kind of given up a bit on the relationship, sort of going through the motions but deep down I'm looking forward to school runs ceasing. Our children have a 10 year age gap, this gap pushes us apart further I feel.
I get so jealous of couples with a traditional non blended family. I'm jealous of their firsts and all the time they have, I feel like their problems are so small in comparison to ours. I feel like my husband and I are on the same team on everything apart from his first family, they are the light of his life but to me they mean difficulties and hardship, is this a difference that we can ever accept or get over? Feels like we cant

Your feelings are very valid, OP. I used to get quite sad about not having "Firsts" as such with my DP as he has two from a previous relationship (currently pregnant with our "first"). Every time I read bits of a parenting book to him he used to scoff and say "ah that didn't work with DSS or DSD" or in the shop getting baby bits "we don't need it, I had it before and it's rubbish". I sat him down one night and said, look this is hurtful. I know you only want to guide me and share your experience but to me this is special and all of this is a first. And he looked at me funny and said 'you don't think this baby is special to me?' As it turns out he never made the correlation of not having 'firsts' between how special he thought this baby was to him. He got sooooo much better from this point onwards. He even picked my parenting book back up and suggested things he hadn't considered and went out and got a special item for the baby from when he was a kid. My point is, ideally expressing your feelings to your DP should lead to a change in his behaviour. You don't need "firsts" for things to be special. Just because he had two babies smiling at him for the first time doesn't make the third any less special. And all of the children should be the light of his life, they are all 50% his. I'd tell him if I was you, tell him exactly how you feel.

I think you need to leave. Don't stay when it's making you miserable. You wouldn't HAVE to work around his ex's schedule either. He can work around you for a change and learn to appreciate his youngest child.

If you leave no you don't have to mirror her contact arrangements. The age gap is too big.

Your child is a toddler so it wouldn't be expected their dad has them 3 evenings a week unless you agreed. (I wouldn't if you are the main carer.)

Then once your child starts school and you agree different contact agreements, his older children would be able to decide when they see their dad. This may not be at the same weekends and evenings you agree that he sees your joint child.

You definitely do not have to mirror the ridiculous contact arrangements he’s made with his ex. 3 nights a week plus every weekend… no. That wouldn’t be in your baby’s best interests, would it?

The only bearing that his contact arrangements for other children would have on you is in limiting his ability to have contact with the daughter he currently ignores most of the time anyway.

So don’t worry about that. What he agrees with his ex is entirely separate from you.

still have to fit our lives around his ex and their children, I'd have to mirror her contact arrangement. you absolutely would not

If he didn't feel he could juggle a job, his first family and starting a new family then he should never have gotten into a relationship with you in the first place. Plenty of people manage to juggle all these things. I've never felt like my relationship with my DH was lacking because of work and childcare commitments and we have my DSCs over 50%.

I bet your DP still finds time for himself. Does he have hobbies? A social life? Maybe he should sacrifice some of that time to spend with your and your child. But in saying that, it shouldn't be a sacrifice, he should want to spend time with you.

The fact that you're working to his ex's schedule is worrying. Why does she get to call all the shots? Why is what suits her more important than what suits you? You deserve better. So does your child.

Absolutely this!!
Omg I feel mad for you that you even put yourself so far down the list that you'd even consider this as an option.
Leave and create your own peace!

Firstly, Stepmonster is a great book! I have interviewed Dr Wednesday Martin and she was fabulous!

Secondly come and have a listen to my podcast! YOU MATTER!!!

I've seen posts from this username before and never put 2 and 2 together! LOVE the podcast, always getting DH to have a listen in too.

Aahhh thank you! 💜

I can second that postcast it's bloody Brillant ❤️

It’s not ok to always come second. It is not normal or healthy for any one person in a family, whether a child or not, to ALWAYS come first. It’s simply not how any family works.