Should I push the issue?

[Bananarama77]

I have another thread going (nothing about this) My DSS seems to have a problem, he is 9 & I’m honestly not sure what as I’m not qualified in child psychology & I don’t want to seem unreasonable or nasty quite frankly…anyway having looked after him regularly for several years its getting worse. Behaviour is, having huge meltdowns about minor issues such less than50% on iPad, changes in dinner (peas instead of carrots for example) certain clothes not being ready to wear despite alternatives being available, his bed not having usual sheets..These are just a few examples but there are other things. I’m very worried that this isn’t normal & I hate using that word but don’t know what else to use? Regular maybe? I have told my DH (his Dad) but he says that he’s just sensitive & if there was a problem then school would have been in touch, before anyone tells me it’s not my business I am only trying to establish whether this is usual or something to worry about. Please don’t be unkind

That does seem to be unusual behaviour for his age.

I don’t think it is necessarily true that the school would have raised issues.

Is it change in general that seems to trigger this behaviour or is it the specifics given in your examples?

School raising issues isn’t that unusual he is probably masking at school

Gosh. I think his dad should be more concerned than he is.

I’m not sure what it is, there doesn’t seem to be a consistent pattern. I’m just not convinced that a 9 year old would get as worked up over what seem trivial things. By all accounts he’s ok at school but when he’s at home with me & DH little things seem to matter. He isn’t like it all the time but it’s worrying to me. This afternoon after school he had a meltdown about his shoes being muddy, the reaction isn’t proportionate to the issue if that makes sense

If that was my child I'd be making a GP appointment. Maybe not if it just happened once in a while after a difficult day but if it's frequent meltdowns over minor things that's worth looking at.

Is he physically mature for his age? Could it be hormones? I guess this would only apply if was a new thing, has he always been like this?

Does he also live with his mum? Has she seen a similar pattern?

all of these things could be related to autistic type problems. If he was mine I would be taking him to the GP

Not really but I’m not sure as I’ve never had boys. He’s with us 50% so week on week off. I have mentioned it before in a diplomatic way but was shot down. I’m not trying to be unkind at all & maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill as I know that kids can be highly strung without having specific needs but I’m just not sure here

I read your other thread and I think your concerns about your DSS are perfectly valid. The need for things to be the same would suggest Autism might be at the heart of this but he'd need to be properly assessed. As you said previously that his DM was angry when you mentioned his problems this is absolutely one to pass onto your DH

Absolutely, I have mentioned it but I think my DH feels there is some sort of shame attached to it (goodness knows why) & has the ‘he’ll grow out of it’ attitude but if he needs extra help then I don’t see shame in that. Sorry I don’t have any experience of this issue so not deliberately being ignorant

I'm sure someone's probably mentioned this but is there any Nerodiversity?

All the things you mentioned could be sensory things.

School may not flagged it as he may mask at school ? Most school resources are stretched at the moment so he may have slipped through the cracks ?

@Bananarama77 I don't have a lot of experience in this matter but it seems that DC with Autism are very change adverse and that fits with your DSS. I think your DH's attitute is not uncommon, lots of people think the're DC will grow out of things but that's really only valid when they're younger. Please tell your DH it's not a thing to be ashamed of, he needs to help his DS

I’m not sure about that, I have zero knowledge of these issues so don’t want to come across as rude or know it all

@Bananarama77 I have asd (high functioning) and I have to say it's quite hard to offend me and I doubt anyone would kid you asking.

Even with that I will also say I no next to nothing compared to many many other people. But imo The. sheets things and the food things sounds like a issue with textures (I am completely label adverse) and that's linked to nd. Have you asked DSC what's wrong with the sheets he doesn't like ? Try to get him to verbalise it

I asked him why he doesn’t like the new sheets but I’m not sure how to approach it past that, he said they are itchy & don’t make him comfortable but I don’t want to upset him further by questioning him. Usually clean sheets feel great but I don’t know how to handle it when he says they’re horrible. Usually he will settle down when old sheet put under him however I can’t let him sleep in dirty sheets. This is so hard

He gets in bed with me in the morning & I feel so uncomfortable with that as I don’t think it’s appropriate but he doesn’t understand boundaries which I would assume kids of his age would. Maybe I’m making assumptions but when it feels off then I think it is

He sounds a lot like mine who is highly anxious and likes being in control. The coming in is because he gets anxious about being alone and with his thoughts and being around people makes him feel safe. As his mum though it feels less odd boundary wise. The fact that he feels comfortable though with you and safe speaks a lot for his relationship with you.

6 months after going to the GP I have an initial therapy appt next month. Figuring out how to regulate emotions is tough

Please OP tell your husband not to rely on the school to raise any issues. My eldest is being assessed by doctors at CAMHS for ASD on the basis of a report I wrote about his behaviour and habits at home. The school looked at me like I'd just arrived from Mars every time I approached them about the difficulties he has at home.

I'm furious because I knew there was something underlying but because he's a model pupil at school, it's taken me 8 years of begging Doctors to listen to me. No teacher would support us!

@Bananarama77 this might work.

So weird approach but bare with me - can you take him to a place that does range of different bed sheets (and ask him to touch different fabrics) and see which one he likes the best and then buy it? Then explain that you need to get x amount one for x amount of days, the other for y amount of days and whatever day you change the sheets will be "Monday" and always do it on a Monday.

It sounds daft but allowing him to chose the sheets and telling him on x day sheets get changed will help him order it if it makes sense. You can even get him involved in doing that.

I'm generalising here but asd people like structure and dislike change.

I'm no expert but it's sounding v sensory issues.

Also I know you said he's climbing into bed with you, you need to explain that no one gets a good night sleep like that and he needs to sleep in his bed so he's well rested ext. Then I would ask him what would help, my recommendation calm app (stories for bedtime) glow in dark stickers, also weighted blanket, white noise. Routine will help calm him down prepare to be by the minute.Get him involved in choosing saying I saw this x thing would you like this or that. The this or that approach is easier to process as it's not looking at all the options. Watch out for labels, scratchy surfaces or things with strong scents. Noise cancelling headphones for loud busy places.

Many people with asd do present younger than their years (iMO please people don't lynch me) usually because there's a v surface level of understanding and they get anxious when they don't understand and may not have the words to say what's wrong. You would be doing a kindness to explain things that you might over look. Ie when you yell I can't hear you so it means I can't help you. Literally point to your ears.

All communication even melt downs is communication.

It could be anxiety as someone else pointed out. The above would help with that too because often giving a choice of x or y simplifies the noise and let's him have a safe element of control without jumping over boundaries.

It's a lot. I really get it there a lot of ND in my house also. I'm rather lucky because I know what will set the kids off so I can usually head it off at the pass. Btw if it is ND - chances are there's a genetic link somewhere in the family tree.

Look out for the words - character, offbeat and quirky to describe relations. And don't panic to much about the future for him. If you can get the structure in place and help him regulate it will do him wonders. My asd didn't hold me back (I realise it's a range and I'm not saying it's the same for all) but I have done pretty dammed well for myself career and life wise. But the key was structure and luckily a few "quirky" family members leading the way.

You got this.