Redecorate DSD's room

[Biggestdoormatever]

Hi,

I don't want to dripfeed but there is so much backstory (which I've posted about here before) so I will have to do a an extreme edit.

DP has three children and we have one. The DSC's mum is a spiteful, dishonest troublemaker. The eldest two kids stopped talking to their dad when DC was a baby amidst huge amounts of accusations (not to mention massive unreasonable demands) that I knew first-hand to not be true. All very dramatic and upsetting. They are now early 20s and in university.

His third child continued to come for scheduled time but refused to acknowledge her half sibling in any way. We tried everything but it's her choice. She was often nasty to the child so I could never relax.

A year ago she didn't arrive the weekend of DC's birthday or answer her phone. She has refused to come since with no explanation just "no thank you" to every suggestion from her father to any scenario he can think of. So he hasn't seen her in nearly a year. She's now 16

We live in a small house, space is tight. I admit that after years of being at the mercy of game playing, threats and manipulation from the older DSCs and their mum I don't have enormous (ok any) patience here. DSD has her double bedroom here which she decorated herself and has her things lying all over. I want to reclaim it and redecorate it for our now 6 year old and turn her tiny box room into an office.

We have a large converted attic that she could take as her own space while she's here (if she's ever here again) but it wouldn't be her own dedicated space as it serves other functions too.

What do you think? She hasn't spoken to me at all in a year so i can't ask her myself.

It’s so very sad, but all we can do is support our OH’s. I feel your pain.

I used to dread EOW with my SD as she would be moody, non communicative and generally quite unpleasant. We now realise why - all the poison dripped into her ear about us (including I had an affair with her dad which is completely untrue - he’d been divorced OVER 3 years before I had even met him)!

TBH since she’s stopped coming it’s like a dark cloud has been lifted.

I hope that one day when SD is older & matures she realises what has gone on.

In the meantime life goes on and you have to do what’s best for the family.

Good luck 🤞

Hello! THANK GOODNESS you are getting sensible advice on this thread!

Absolutely don't ask her! Tell her of course and save all her stuff nicely and ensure she has somewhere to sleep if and when she hopefully decides to come but having a child who's there full time in a box room while there's a whole double unused is crazy. Sorry to hear of what you're going through - it's so painful 💐

Absolutely give your 6 year old the bigger room. Your 6 year old should of always had the bigger room being that is the child's only residence!
As your step child is now 16 I would imagine she would be staying over anymore. She's already stopped and I can't see a 16 year old wanting too.
Box up her things, keep them safe and move on.

I agree with @bumpytrumpy

If you ask the question, it's possible she will say 'don't touch it' (even just for the control, with no intention of visiting) and you will have a bigger dilemma.

It's been a year. I think you were unbelievably patient to allow her to keep ignoring your child, let alone being nasty!

Aside from the room, could DH try to meet with her/them on neutral territory, just to keep lines of contact open?

Sorry, I'm a few weeks late into this post but just wanted to jump on for solidarity too @Biggestdoormatever , @NorthernSpirit and @Edwardandtubbs

My teenage DSD has also been poisoned against us and her wider family by her mother. It is a horrible club to be a member of, especially trying to pick up the pieces with the other children and all the difficult feelings it throws up.

Would it help anyone to have a support thread for our situation? I could start something separate or maybe we can just lurk here and reach out when it's needed. Truly not a situation I'd wish on anyone, it is very hard to cope with. Thinking of you all.

@Steppered yes I would love this

@Steppered I was going to say no but then I realised the only person I actually talk to about this IRL is my mum so it might be a good idea!

Being brutally honest, it has been much better for me personally since DSD stopped coming. Her behaviour had got so bad (stealing from me, maliciously breaking/throwing away things, jibes about my weight, hair, age...) that I was seriously stressed by it all and dreaded her weekends.

However - it has broken DH and DC's hearts. I don't know how I would cope with a reconciliation if there ever were one. Rise above a lot of shit I guess! I never reacted to any of her behaviour so it would have to be the same again.

From what I hear from others who have been through this, girls very often don't come round and stay mad with their dad forever... not a good outcome for anyone sadly.

She won't be coming round (figuratively) any time soon. Has me and DH blocked. Won't see her sibling. Was given birthday gifts by my family and hasn't even acknowledged them let alone said thank you. Hasn't thanked us for our gifts. The only contact we've had in the last six months is DSD's mum telling DH not to call at their house. So now there's no avenue to see her at all.

Thank you both for replying @Edwardandtubbs & @Biggestdoormatever
I really don't know many other people in this situation, it's very difficult and not very nice to deal with day to day is it. Very hurtful, in fact. I'm so sorry for my partner; our child but also grandparents etc, none of us have done anything wrong. It's just his lunatic Ex who has tried to stop him having a relationship with his daughter because they split up. Years it has been going on and sadly, it has finally worked. I also feel sorry for my SD because her mother is really high conflict; she's drinking the kool aid right now and being allowed to do whatever she wants but I think she will end up with a lot of issues.

It is hard to say too much more without being really outing but it really is a horrible situation to be in, so sending you both a virtual high-five.

I’m very similar to @Edwardandtubbs

Same here - since DSD stopped coming 2.5 years ago the relief for me had been immense.

When she was here - I dreaded weekends & spent as much time as I could out of the house or upstairs away from her (I wouldn’t mind…. But it’s my bloody house)!

She stopped coming at 15 - her behaviour was appalling. As soon as she walked through the door she was moody, monosyllabic and generally very unpleasant to be around. Time after time her dad asked her what was wrong & she wouldn’t talk.

My OH & I discovered she has been going through our private papers (bank statements) and breaking into her dads phone - taking pictures of our WhatsApp messages (and personal paperwork) and sending these to her mum.

When her dad asked her to explain herself - she phoned her mum, told her her dad had thrown her out (untrue) and her mum came round with her new boyfriend shouting abuse on our door step. The new boyfriend of 6 months told my OH he was a shit dad and threatened to beat him up. We had to call the police & they were removed by the police - all while the SD watched on laughing. I will never forgive her for that.

My OH is also broken. He texts regularly and writes to her once a month. He’s had nothing back in 2.5 years. Gifts are sent from him and the family - there’s never been an acknowledgment or thank you. Her grandfather has died, and grandmother has dementia (and doesn’t have long left) - shes aware but hasn’t made any effort to contact anyone. The whole family and any associated has been alienated. Her toxic mother must be so proud of the outcome - years of dripping poison in her ear has worked.

If she ever did reconcile with her dad, I don’t want a relationship with her. She’s done too much and I’m done.

Absolutely. We did the same after six months over refusal to come over. I felt no guilt, she has a room elsewhere and was refusing to use a big room here so we swapped her into the box room for the few nights a month she is here now

Ask for permission to decorate a room in my house?!?!

no fucking way.

@Biggestdoormatever what a shame for DH for his children to have been turned away from him like that.

but if the youngest isn't coming over, it's ridiculous to keep a double room ready for her. Tbh even if she was coming over EOW I'd swap the rooms.

Absolutely NOT! Asking her opinion is asking for trouble.

SD has taken herself out of the picture without explanation and is being so rude, thoughtless and unpleasant, she doesn't trump the child living in the house full time.

I'd pack her things up, nicely of course, and leave them in the attic room in case she ever wants them back.

Doesn't sound like she's going to have a change of heart suddenly any time soon.

Please stop quoting me if you lack the tenets of basic literacy and don't understand what a slash means, everyone. She doesn't have to grovel or ask for permission – communication takes place on a spectrum and if all of you want to alienate your stepchildren overnight go ahead, I genuinely don't care about your own lonely situation or whatever. Personally I prefer to keep my own family dynamics healthy by taking the middle ground where possible. OP has said communication would be her natural inclination but there are legal dynamics to consider.

What legal dynamics? Its not the stepdaughter house she isnt visiting so why is it a legal issue?

At best it's a moral one

Yeah, I'm just randomly making stuff up you have no ability to verify because sadly there isn't a button you can click to read the full thread / all of OP's updates

@Theunamedcat

I think this is what the previous poster is referring to :

This would be my natural inclination except having dealt with his kids and their mother for years now the danger is it'll appear somewhere in legal paperwork that their dad did not provide accommodation for them choosing instead to prioritise his 'new family'.

Although that actually flies in the face of what @ootb has recommended. Op has said she would like to communicate by nature but it would be used against her so doesn't want to ask DSC about the room.

Legally speaking the best course for op is to play grey rock. DSC doesn't need to know what's happened and I don't think rattling that particular cage will do anything other than inflame the situation tbh.

I suppose @ootb other point is ops DP may regret not telling her but frankly if someone is looking for mud to throw. They usually find it either way and it's best not to hand them the bucket to help them.

Still not going to be a legal issue if two children are in there twenties and he has a six year old with OP unless he bedhopped (which is always a possibility I suppose) the stepchild is most likely a teenager and court rarely impose visitation orders on teenagers so where is the legal issue? My ex husband doesn't have a space for his children in his home its not written down anywhere to be used against him no-one cares

Legal issue?????