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Original poster

Redecorate DSD's room

43 replies

Biggestdoormatever · 26/04/2023 12:12

Hi,

I don't want to dripfeed but there is so much backstory (which I've posted about here before) so I will have to do a an extreme edit.

DP has three children and we have one. The DSC's mum is a spiteful, dishonest troublemaker. The eldest two kids stopped talking to their dad when DC was a baby amidst huge amounts of accusations (not to mention massive unreasonable demands) that I knew first-hand to not be true. All very dramatic and upsetting. They are now early 20s and in university.

His third child continued to come for scheduled time but refused to acknowledge her half sibling in any way. We tried everything but it's her choice. She was often nasty to the child so I could never relax.

A year ago she didn't arrive the weekend of DC's birthday or answer her phone. She has refused to come since with no explanation just "no thank you" to every suggestion from her father to any scenario he can think of. So he hasn't seen her in nearly a year. She's now 16

We live in a small house, space is tight. I admit that after years of being at the mercy of game playing, threats and manipulation from the older DSCs and their mum I don't have enormous (ok any) patience here. DSD has her double bedroom here which she decorated herself and has her things lying all over. I want to reclaim it and redecorate it for our now 6 year old and turn her tiny box room into an office.

We have a large converted attic that she could take as her own space while she's here (if she's ever here again) but it wouldn't be her own dedicated space as it serves other functions too.

What do you think? She hasn't spoken to me at all in a year so i can't ask her myself.

OP posts:
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Suzannargh · 26/04/2023 12:16

Absolutely fine as long as she has a bed if she needs or wants one. Actions have consequences even for teenagers.

Suzannargh · 26/04/2023 12:17

It needs to be a joint decision with your DP though, not just you in case it’s used against you later.

Kanaloa · 26/04/2023 12:20

You haven’t spoken to her for a year. She doesn’t live or visit at your home. I’d pack her things up nicely and keep them safe. I’m never a fan of these threads where the stepmum want to squash six step kids in the box room so their child can have a Dudley Dursley bedroom and playroom setup, but this is ridiculous. A young child has spent a year in a box room so that a teenager who you haven’t seen in a year can have a large bedroom they don’t use. It doesn’t make sense.

vivainsomnia · 26/04/2023 14:52

Totally reasonable.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 14:57

I think that is reasonable- as long as there is a space for her to stay. Does your DH agree?

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 15:00

Seems fair enough. I suppose if you wanted to not go all-out in case of backlash you could just do a straight swap of rooms, she gets the box room and put the office into the loft instead. But if she doesn’t come to stay it’s ridiculous to keep your DS in a tiny room just ‘because’.

WheelsUp · 26/04/2023 15:00

Very reasonable. Is your h likely to agree? He might not be ready to admit that dsd is unlikely to visit again

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 15:11

Why on earth should your 6 year old have a box room whilst a 16 year old who never even comes anymore takes up a double bedroom?!

Absolutely redecorate it for your daughter and store DSDs things in the boxroom for now.

Chunkychips23 · 26/04/2023 15:18

Yep redecorate! Just make sure your DP is onboard too.

My SD15 rarely ever stays over anymore now so her bedroom is the spare room when guests stay. On the odd occasion she does decide to come over, I get all of her stuff back out and put her set of sheets on the bed, so it feels like hers.

As long as you have a bed for your SD if she ever does come over, then no issues. You can’t block off a whole room on the off chance, whilst another child is struggling for space

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 26/04/2023 15:22

More than reasonable.

Original poster
Biggestdoormatever · 26/04/2023 22:09

Oh thanks for the replies, that makes me feel a lot better. DP it's agreeing but looks so sad when I've said it.

OP posts:
ootb · 26/04/2023 22:14

Maybe your DH can try contacting the child as a last shot, ask for permission / give a heads up / explain about the room redecoration, but make it clear all the same he'll keep it that way if the SD wants and that SD is always welcome... No obligation to do so, and no obligation for you to care, but just in case shit hits the fan later and your DH regrets it

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 27/04/2023 08:30

ootb · 26/04/2023 22:14

Maybe your DH can try contacting the child as a last shot, ask for permission / give a heads up / explain about the room redecoration, but make it clear all the same he'll keep it that way if the SD wants and that SD is always welcome... No obligation to do so, and no obligation for you to care, but just in case shit hits the fan later and your DH regrets it

I wouldn’t, what if DSD says no? There’s another child’s needs to consider here. As long as DSD has her own space if she ever comes back (which OP has said there will be) then they need to give their 6yo’s immediate needs priority over a 16yo’s future/unlikely needs.

Original poster
Biggestdoormatever · 27/04/2023 09:12

ootb · 26/04/2023 22:14

Maybe your DH can try contacting the child as a last shot, ask for permission / give a heads up / explain about the room redecoration, but make it clear all the same he'll keep it that way if the SD wants and that SD is always welcome... No obligation to do so, and no obligation for you to care, but just in case shit hits the fan later and your DH regrets it

This would be my natural inclination except having dealt with his kids and their mother for years now the danger is it'll appear somewhere in legal paperwork that their dad did not provide accommodation for them choosing instead to prioritise his 'new family'.

It will be presented (and received) exactly like that too to dsd from them no matter how carefully he words the message to her. Communication is extremely difficult.

I don't disagree with you though so I will give it some more thought.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 28/04/2023 02:17

100% redecorate the room.
It's currently being wasted

If DSD wants to start coming back then she can have th box room. Your child has had it for 6 years it's time to swop anyway

MintJulia · 28/04/2023 02:45

Suzannargh · 26/04/2023 12:16

Absolutely fine as long as she has a bed if she needs or wants one. Actions have consequences even for teenagers.

This.

Three bank holiday weekends should give you plenty of time. 🙂

Yousee · 28/04/2023 06:44

The first job of a house should be to accommodate the people who actually live in it as best possible. It's a piece of nonsense that your child was given the box room in the first place. Get it sorted.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/04/2023 07:03

Let's face it, it doesn't sound as though your stepdaughter would actually find out anyway. If she does, she deserves to know that her actions have consequences. Even if they do reframe it that he has no space for her, who are they going to tell that to? It's not as though it's going to go to court.

One thing, if she does find out, I think she'll do whatever it takes to make sure you spend time and money on making it hers again and then she won't visit afterwards.

bumpytrumpy · 28/04/2023 07:26

ootb · 26/04/2023 22:14

Maybe your DH can try contacting the child as a last shot, ask for permission / give a heads up / explain about the room redecoration, but make it clear all the same he'll keep it that way if the SD wants and that SD is always welcome... No obligation to do so, and no obligation for you to care, but just in case shit hits the fan later and your DH regrets it

And if she says she wants you to keep it as it is....?

Then what?

I wouldn't give her the power. There's a LONG road between where you are now and that room getting regular enough use to justify your child being in the box room. Her dad needs to be offering to meet for coffees / cinema type outings once a week or so to rebuild their relationship and not pushing overnight stays etc.

Change the room to suit household members.

hourbyhour101 · 28/04/2023 09:10

Lord on a high.

I'm so grateful we haven't had anyone keep it as a memorial to DSC (who has chosen not to visit if have contact)

Redecorate the room. I wouldn't say anything because you know it will appear in paper work and why rattle the cage of a bear (when the cage is unlocked and the bear can get out)

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like you need some counselling - how are you DH and Dc doing ? Xx

Original poster
Biggestdoormatever · 28/04/2023 14:14

Thanks very much for the supportive replies.

It's hard to summarise years of complications. There are so many issues with control and twisted lines of communication.

Anyway I can't do anything outside of my own circus so I'm going to do my best to accommodate everyone IN the house and if she chooses to return to that group then she will certainly get the same consideration.

To the PP who said her dad shouldn't be pushing overnights I / we fully agree, he's open to any sort of engagement with her but getting nowhere. It's very sad but I leave him to it now.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 28/04/2023 15:00

Absolutely redecorate / use the room as you wish.

My DSD stopped coming 2.5 years ago (she’s now 17). After years of her vitriolic toxic mother dripping poison in her ear she refused to come, nor will she speak to or see her dad. She’s cut all contact (not only with her dad but anyone associated with him - godparents, grandparents etc).

For 2 years we kept her room as was with all her stuff in. 6 months ago - her dad packed up everything & her stuff was dropped off at her mums. We now use the room as a guest room.

MeetMyCat · 28/04/2023 15:21

Anyway I can't do anything outside of my own circus so I'm going to do my best to accommodate everyone IN the house and if she chooses to return to that group then she will certainly get the same consideration.

@Biggestdoormatever I think that's absolutely fine

Edwardandtubbs · 29/04/2023 06:35

@NorthernSpirit are you me?

Exactly the same happened to us.

And OP my DSD has a half sibling who she now refuses to have any contact with (having been fairly close before) which has been heartbreaking - DC is 9 and doesn't understand why their sister doesn't 'love them anymore'.

Whole thing is a shit show but beyond my control. I moved DC into the larger room after a few weeks. We have let DSD know there's always a bed for her here but I doubt she's even got that message as she's blocked all of us. We can't communicate through mum either.

Solidarity!

Original poster
Biggestdoormatever · 29/04/2023 09:42

@NorthernSpirit and @Edwardandtubbs this might be sad but it makes me feel better we aren't the only ones.

While my DP is far far far from perfect (same as me) and we would sometimes have very different views on how to approach things, the stuff that gets said about him/us is simply not true.

OP posts: