I am really struggling with our situation with my DSC.
They are aged 9 and 11.
This is a long one so apologies.
DSC were having 50/50 care between my DH and their mum.
I have always gotten on really well with my DSC and they were really happy and settled when DH and I eventually blended and got married last year. Everything was going along fine until around 18 months ago DH and his ex had a disagreement about contact and maintenance.
We have always paid for half of what the DSC needed to his ex and paid maintenance even though we had them 50% of the time. Despite paying for half of the DSC clothing etc they would often turn up for contact with clothing that was too small or not enough pants/socks/pyjamas and we were having to buy extras for them. Not a problem except they would take the clothing back to their mums house and often not return with it.
DH then suggested to his ex that they stop splitting the costs together and that we have school uniform and clothing for our house that we would pay for and keep here and she could do the same at her house. As we were having the DCS 50/50. She was really angry about this and also abut the fact that she changed her working hours to an ad-hoc pattern and then wanted us to have the DSC on various days/ times so she wouldn't have to pay for childcare, which we tried for 3 months but it really unsettled DSC.
The DSC were becoming more and more unsettled with this arrangement, especially as plans were often made at the last min and she refused to give DH her work schedule in advance so we could plan our time with DSC and my children which reside in our home full time.
DH discussed with his ex that this ad-hoc contact was not working for anyone except her so things needed to be discussed properly with a view to making a regular and consistent arrangement.
he suggested a week on/week off, 3 days on 3 days off, 4 days on 4 days off ( sorry to phrase it that way like work, but I don't know how else to articulate it)
Suddenly one evening she said the DSC didn't want to come to us for contact, both DSC had blocked him on their phones and when he phone her she said they didn't wish to speak to him. He would call round to her house to collect them and they would be sat in their jammies or be getting ready to go out somewhere and then say that they didn't want to come as they had already planned to do XYZ. He was heartbroken and contacted a solicitor who suggested mediation, which she refused to do at that time
She would call and text DH on occasions saying that she needed him to have DSC and he would go to collect them and they wouldn't be ready or say they had other plans. Often when DH called her to speak to them about coming over to our house she would ask them 'do you want to go to daddy's or do you want to do XYZ instead?'.
This went on for a bit and then DH again suggested mediation, which on this occasion she agreed to.
During this time the DSC became school refusers and due to some other issues in her home (most of which have never been explained to DH) the DSC became involved with social services, DH became aware that the DSC were being left home alone for periods of time and that they were on their gaming devices till 1/2 am and were refusing to get dressed and leave the house at all.
They attended mediation and DH suggested the consistent 50/50 contact with DSC and pointed out that she should be making them available for contact at the agreed times, she refused to agree to anything suggested by DH, said the DSC hate him and made suggestions that he was verbally abusine towards her. we were also made aware that she had made these suggestions to some of DH mutual friends and one of them warned DH to protect himself from potential accusations as she was looking for an opportunity. After 2 sessions she refused to attend and said it was a waste of her time. DH then went back to the solicitor to get advice and start legal proceedings. however, around 6 months ago DSC mum called DH and said that he needed to have DSC as she wasnt coping, within a week we had the DSC attending school full time and into a good routine at home.
It was not without its difficulties, we had screaming tantrums, refusal to get out of bed in the mornings and battles over the xbox etc for that first week, which affected my children emotionally, but we remained consistent in enforcing age appropriate boundaries, used rewards like 'screen time' and gave lots of support in the form of cuddles and healthy conversations, it really worked.
After a month she said that she wanted the DSC to come home, reluctantly DH took them both home and it was back to square one with them disengaging from school/ friends (except when gaming) and DH.
Social work just keep saying that they are 'working with' DSC mum and that the difficulties are due to 'differences in parenting' when the DSC don't want to come to our home, because they have to go to school, go to bed when told and get up when they don't want to.
One of our DSC even went as far as to say to the social worker that they didn't want to come to our home because ' daddy will kidknap me' and the other said 'daddy smacks children'.
There have been accusations from DSC that there has been physical chastisement in our home which is completely untrue and that we shout at them all the time which is also untrue. If anything they are treated incredibly gently as DH is frightened of shattering their fragile relationship due to the circumstances.
At Christmas they acted ungrateful and spoilt regarding their Christmas gifts that DH gave to them. All of our children had a £100 budget for gifts and both DSC said it was 'not enough' which really saddened me. Their mum spent close to £600 each on them, which I am not jealous about, rather sad that we are not financially able to come close to that and it is a subject that obviously drives a further wedge between the DSC and DH.
We are now in a situation where DH can only see DSC if he goes to her house, which put him at risk of being accused of something, she says that DSC don't want to see him and then in the next breath invited him over to her house.
Due to the accusations from DSC and the refusal of their mother to come to a stable contact arrangement, I have said to DH that unless he gets a court order for contact arrangements and has some sort of help from social work or another agency to help DSC transition between homes I am not happy about them coming to our house.
I am just really scared that they will say we have tried to either kidnap them or have hurt them in some way. Both DSC are know for telling lies about adults and have done so in the past about teachers and their peers all which has been proven to be untrue but just caused so grief for everyone concerned.
Both myself and DH work with vulnerable people and would risk losing our jobs should accusations be made not to mention the risk of social work becoming involved with my children because of it.
I really am scared to be around DSC and worry about what move their mother will make next. She is very good at a game that I really don't want to play and it is putting a huge strain on mine and DH relationship.
I think I just need some advice and a hand to hold, or for someone to give me a virtual shake and tell me if I am just being an unreasonable cow.