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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Double standards

20 replies

CoctailsNeeded · 21/04/2023 00:02

I'm early 40s, 2 teens,and 8 year old. None his kids. Youngest has behaviour problems stemming from her dad.
He's in 50s , 2 kids, 6 grand kids..favours oldest grandchild..extra money, let's him off with attitude etc.
Said in another post he's scared of falling out/upsetting his kids in case no contact...don't love him. Reality probably high of this.
So recently I've found myself Really annoyed cos he's pulled my youngest about stuff but let fav grandchild go about it ..said I don't see him often enough to tell him off. So should just leave him go cos want me n him be close x

Daft stuff....to my kid....u should be able to tie own laces...to grandchild who older...I'll do urs come here for a duddle ( cuddle)
Out for meals..my youngest gets grief if doesn't finish meal...fav grandchild...had 3 drinks took mouthful out said doesn't like, then had ordered 2 meals cos didn't like first...xx
I've thought for while I don't like the child...but have realised it's not kids fault. Its partner's.
It's like he can be abrupt, tell my youngest off...argue etc but fav grandchild..sun shines out of his arse..x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 06:24

Are you able to move out for your kids sake?

curtaintwitcher23 · 21/04/2023 06:39

How often do you see the grandchild/ is your son a victim of this ?

Regardless of your OH reasons this behaviour could have a lasting impact on your youngest child's self esteem if it's something that happens regularly and if I were you I'd be thinking of an exit plan for the relationship to protect him.

I know it's not as straightforward as to just leave but I think long term you will be glad you did I wish you well.

youtwoandme · 21/04/2023 06:44

Well I for one would not be allowing him to tell my child off! ... For the sake of your child, you need to leave. Children first ALWAYS.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 06:57

Save your children from this. Kick him out/move back out. The damage is already being done.

Laurdo · 21/04/2023 09:40

He can do what he likes with his own grandchild but I'd put a stop to him disciplining your child. If he can't be fair with your child then he needs to back off.

caramac04 · 21/04/2023 09:45

I couldn’t be with a man like this. He’s supposed to be the adult ffs. He’a unfair and he’s wrong.

Original poster

CoctailsNeeded · 21/04/2023 11:38

Thanks for the replies. It's my house that we live in so if comes to it he would have to go.
He's going to see his grandchild later but I'm not going, I get too irritated. We see him a couple of times a month.
I understand that grandparents sometimes spoil grandkids but it's not right that behaviour is acceptable from his grandchild but not acceptable from my child.
I'm going to have a talk about it cos it's not on and I don't want my child to think that they're naughty/ bad etc.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 21/04/2023 13:38

OP, it is not uncommon for grandparents to be much more tolerate and indulgent of their grandkids than they were of the same behaviors from their children.

He does not have that grandfather relationship with your son regardless of his age. He also spends more time with your son, and it is sometimes harder to tolerate behavior from someone who you have repeatedly corrected. He likely see far less of his grandson than he does your son.

For a time, you have disliked his grandson, what if over the same time period his feelings about your son were the same feelings that you had for his grandson? That too much be a double standard where you view your feelings as justifiable and his having the same feelings as unacceptable.

If you view the situation as toxic for your son, you may wish to rethink the decision to remain in this relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2023 14:07

Kick him out. You know this is ridiculously unfair and probably making your child feel like crap.

Daisydu · 24/04/2023 13:09

Laurdo · 21/04/2023 09:40

He can do what he likes with his own grandchild but I'd put a stop to him disciplining your child. If he can't be fair with your child then he needs to back off.

This. My dp went through a phase of pulling my kids up on stuff, but not his own child. So I snapped one day, and told him he’s not to get involved with the disciplining of my children. He did from then on start treating them the same, and he has done now for a long time thank god. He now can discipline my kids, but he also expects the same from his child, so it’s fair. Don’t stand for it.

Godlovesall26 · 24/04/2023 18:17

Is is possible for him to see his grandchild alone ?
If it were his child it would ofc be different, but there doesn’t have to be a relationship between the two kids.
If it’s only a couple of times a month, maybe try the I understand you’re worried about contact but I’m worried about the effect on my child, so this way everyone may be happier. If he can’t understand it’s hurtful to yours, he’s leaning towards the more hopeless side.

Godlovesall26 · 24/04/2023 18:21

Also a discussion about your expectations re disciplining your child.
I do hope the grandchild situation can be fixed though, it will give you a clearer head also to focus entirely on how he interacts with yours (as others have said it’s common to let gc get away with more, so will it be that comparison that was always in the way, or is he just simply mean to yours)

Original poster

CoctailsNeeded · 24/04/2023 21:17

He does sometimes see grandchild alone but gets offended if I don't go around to see him. I could try and word it as above next time.

I've said before about he's got 6 grandkids not 1 and I know the favouring one over the other 5 is different issue to the different treatment of my child but I have seen him tell off the others. He only asks about this grandchild when speaking to his kids, he only wants to take him on holiday , want him to stay at ours etc.If we take my youngest somewhere, he says he feels guilty that he's not taking his grandson.

We had talk over the weekend about my child and how I feel he's over stepping at times, even though as someone said- I can understand he lives with my child and the repetition is frustrating.
He said he thought he was helping and apologised. But actions speak louder than words so see what happens.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 25/04/2023 19:54

Well he can make notes about the best places he might like to take him next time for great 1:1 bonding time ^^.

Sad for the other grandchildren also, do they/their parents also feel the same way ? If you can steer him mostly towards one on one time for bonding (the magic word!), and then have to put up with the occasional common times which would at least be fewer, could you ensure at least one or a couple of the other grandkids are there ? (Depending on where you live etc). Worth trying the ‘but I worry about how the other gc will feel’ line back, but of course it depends on if you have a relationship with them, and if not really I’m not sure I’d want to get involved in their dynamics further except maybe a WhatsApp for common outings.

Original poster

CoctailsNeeded · 25/04/2023 20:21

That's a good way of putting it- bonding, thank you.
I've said it's unfair lots of times with his grandchildren, both with the money and time spent. The favourite has a sibling who is 2 so he says too young to do things with and the other 4 grandchildren he says I can't take 4 out / cost too much , I've suggested park - there's always an excuse. They all live in same town as us too so distance not an issue. I know his son ( who has 4 children) has said things before about the favourite but as nothing changes has sadly accepted it.
I've seen my friends son be devastated by not being the favourite grandchild and the effects its had on his self esteem.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 09:44

He sounds awful.

Why are you allowing him to pick on your child?

His blatant favouritism of one grandchild is disgusting.

Why would you have someone like that around your child and picking on them?

Your children deserve better, so do you.

Original poster

CoctailsNeeded · 29/04/2023 19:56

Well been out today, he was saying wishes grandson here .
Ordered food, moaned that my child left food...again been out with grandson who left food on many times and had new food bought.
Just said to my kid u bn selfish at times. I lost it .n said how dare u . U wouldn't say that to grandson.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2023 19:58

What are you going to do? He’s a twat. He’s bullying your child. He’s not going to change.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 20:12

OP, yours sounds like a relationship where every statement is journaled and recorded as ammunition to be used on another day.

Clearly, there is no joy in this relationship. Why are the 2 of you still together. I doubt that the children are as invested in how they are all treated as they are damaged by the growing animosity between the 2 of you.

His grandchildren may or may not care how he treats any of them. The concept of being lesser may not be a part of your son's personal experience. Collectively though, these children may view you both as unnecessarily grumpy people and not enjoy time spent with either of you.

Leave this man if you find his behavior unacceptable. Then you no longer need to log all of his transgressions.

Original poster

CoctailsNeeded · 29/04/2023 20:50

Thank u, I do keep track of things and compare and then get annoyed. It's not healthy to keep things to throw back.
On the one hand I did want him to be involved with my youngest but that's wrong cos I'm not putting them first if he's nit picking.

OP posts:

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