Is this normal (to be irritated by SS, 8)

[Evilstepmummy84]

Just that really.

My DD is 6 and DSS is with us EOW and sometimes in the week too. I think I'm just maybe not used to boys or 8 year old behaviour? Though I do have a goddaughter who is a bit older now and she was mostly pretty good..

So, he can be really lovely at times, affectionate and kind. At those times I feel really warm and fuzzy towards him. But several times a day, he's grumpy, sulks and is generally very spoilt and entitled. Lots of attention seeking and demanding things on his own terms.
Is this normal for this age group? In boys? His mum finds him hard work at times, she can be very tricky being honest and blames DH for DSS challenging behaviour (she left DH but is resentful about other things..). She also overshares a bit with DSS (my opinion) which I think messes his head up a bit, so I do feel for him.

How can I help him regulate his emotions as he has several toddler esq tantrums a day when he doesn't get his own way. We've tried a more therapeutic approach, but he still wails and does pretend crying frequently. I know it's awful, but it's so dramatic With no real tears that I find it excruciatingly hard not to laugh...
Thanks

Hopefully there's someone out there...

If one of mine was doing that I’d ask him to go to his room until he’d calmed down enough to rejoin us. Is he used to getting positive reinforcement for this behaviour from his parents?

Thanks Suzannargh, more recently we've asked him to go to his room sometimes when he behaves like that. I think he's very used to getting his own way with his mum, so that's why he does it. But I do think we should ask him to go to his room more..

I personally don’t send kids to their room as it can feel like you’re being completely rejected.

I have two DS, one is 9 and has mainly female friends. I would say they change a hell of a lot between 6 and 8 - my DS definitely feels like a pre-teen sometimes, full of sass and pushing boundaries. DP has two daughters and believes they were never like my DS at that age (now a bit more tricky as teens!).

I would say…
clear, fair boundaries are priority. I come down pretty hard on Ds now but very quickly and we’re over it all as quickly. Think like you do with toddlers because 8/9 yo behaviour can be like that - immediate consequences that relate to the behaviours. If they’re dominating and seeking more attention than you can give - calm and clear unemotive explanations.

Also, does your DH spend enough 121 time with DDS?

Thanks Levi, that's really helpful. Think we're struggling as even when we come down harder on him than usual, it has no effect..but your comment about thinking of it as you would a toddler tantrum is really interesting.

It is 99% dominant and attention seeking behaviour I'd say. He does get a fair bit of 121 with his Dad, but definitely struggles when DH's attention is split, almost irrespective of how much 121 time he's had with him, if that makes sense!

Ah that’s tough. My DS can be the same, sees DP as competition, and I know it comes from a place of needing reassurance and connection but it’s really hard.

also, like with toddlers - maybe a fair bit of ignoring and choosing your battles? As the negative reinforcement he’s receiving may be part of the issue.

yep absolutely - completely understand him needing reassurance and connection, esp as his parents separation was so messy. He can be a real sweetheart but then his emotions go on such a massive rollercoaster, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Like you said, it's hard!

That's interesting - was just thinking about maybe ignoring the tantrums more because of neg reinforcement and the attention he gets
from engaging in that behaviour. He's a bit of a showman so I think he enjoys the performance of it somehow..

Thanks again btw. After a day in which I felt like I've lost the plot, shared experiences are a massive help!!

8-9 yr olds can be worse than teens and toddlers.
Hormones start to kick in, they think they're grown up but can't control emotions.

Yeah I do agree about that age! It’s a surprise to me, but kind of nice to think it’s a phase

It could be a behavior or maturity issue. But fundamentally he may benefit from more 1-2-1 with his dad. I have a nine year old boy, and since aged 8 he needed more time and bonding with his dad. It was I think a key age when they notice more what they are missing. There is typically an increase of testosterone which can impact behavior.

I have found a big improvement in my son s emotional intelligence this year so it probably is linked with a little lack of maturity as well.

Lots of practical advice here but I just wanted to say yes it is normal to be irritated by it. I have a 9 year old DSS, also very attention seeking, and I find him very irritating a lot of the time.

Anecdotally, boys around that age are generally the children I find most annoying to interact with across the board, so I have hope that it will change!

Have you tried spending 121 time with him yourself? Eight year olds are just annoying, especially when they’re not your own, but this might help the bond and make him feel more secure in your home.

I have two DSS's aged 9 and 10 and they behave as you describe op. DS2 can be very charming but equally incredibly critical, unkind and he gets very angry. DS1 is a very young 10 year old in some ways-he is very over sensitive-and attention seeky-but can also be incredibly entitled. Both are terrified of their Mum, who loathes DH (and me by default) and bad mouths us to them as much as possible. I've no doubt they are very confused kids and that's a lot of the reason for their behaviours. But yes they can be really annoying (as my own kids were at that age and still are now they are older teens), and it's fine to feel like that!

I too remember cousins etc, esp boys, that age being irritating. They think they know it all, but they really don't, and they have alot of big emotions that they can't articulate very well so it comes out in anger/tears/sass. Not a good age tbh-but all things crossed it's just a phase!

Google adrenarche

It's a hormone surge around age 8.

I've found this by far the hardest stage so far with my usually extremely well behaved 8yo DD. And apparently it's even worse in boys!

Firstly, you are not an evil stepmummy!!

Sometimes its hard to be around other people's children and you clearly care very much for him.

My own DS was tricky at this age - hormones i believe as a PP said.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling annoyed. Everyone gets annoyed by kids at some point! x

My just turned 10 year old is a fucking nightmare. He drives me up the wall and I gave birth to him - honestly not sure how I'd cope with him if he was my stepchild!

I would say mine normally gets like this due to either: needing attention, being hungry/thirsty, needing to get outside/exercise or just generally being bored. Obviously you also have to factor in the fact that he is dealing with the upheaval of living between two homes/families too.

Best of luck!

Thank you for this !!

I had notice on parenting board and step boards 8 seems to be the age of nightmares for some reason and now I know why !! Hurrah xx