Adult kids and bailing out- frustration

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Partners daughter is early 30s and each month he's constantly "lending " her money , lots of times she doesn't pay him back. She lives outside her means each month knowing bank of dad will be there. Its not even like he has excess money to do this. She plays on her kids going without but a lot of time it's nights out etc.
His son is the same, bn dropping hints for him to buy a new phone for him, get car out for him again, the son earns more than my partner too.
He won't say no in case they don't love him, his words.
I have teenage children, not his and they're better equipped with money than his....any money they get from birthdays they put some toward saving etc .
Have said what's gonna happen when u retire further down line and are they gonna still rely on u....
I love him but it's playing on my mind a lot - 30 and 32 both work and it does impact our household.
Anyone else been in similar position?

Not been in this situation, but seen it at close hand with work colleague. Son is married and have kids and is still asking his parents for money.

I guess he’s never going to change now unless something dramatic happens. Can you sit down with a budget planner (see Moneysavingexpert) and work out your finances. Maybe if he sees how it’s impacting in practical terms, then he’ll understand. If he wants to continue bailing them, then save some each month to go towards it.

Maybe ask him when he felt independent from his parents and how he would have felt asking them.

he could also have the budget conversation with his kids, and help them manage money better.

The groundwork should have been put in way earlier - as you recognise with your own child. Unfortunately if he won't stop there's not much you can do apart from maybe set up your own "fun" money budgets and he can pay them out of there while you get to spend yours on whatever you like.

Keep your personal finances separate from him and don't marry him

Do you live together? Whatever you do, don’t share finances.

He’s already told you he won’t stop, and they’re not going to suddenly stop asking. It’ll drive a wedge between you if you make an issue of it, but it’ll probably do that anyway when he’s skint and can’t afford to do nice things.

I’m not surprised you’re concerned and I’d think on it very carefully, tbh, if you see a future with him.

This

Ick this is what happens if your parent from a place of "like me". The kids aren't gonna suddenly change now they are adults sadly (and I suppose I can't really blame them as this is a learnt behaviour)

I would keep your finances separate. Make sure you have wills drawn up separately and that are iron clad.

The only way to tackle this is to make him feel the results of him doing this.

We do live together and have separate finances . We need things for the house but as he keeps giving money to his children things keep getting pushed back.
Agree with his style of parenting is to be liked and this is the knock on effect.

Sadly it's way too late for you to change this Op, his DC should want to see him because they love him but he's corrupted their relationship completely. They equate love with money and if your partner said No his DC would have a massive strop and reinforce his fears. I'd rethink the partnership or you could end up in bad financial circumstances once he's retired and you end up paying for far too much.

It's really a self for filling prophecy. He's worried he won't be liked by the kids if he parents them, so he acts like their pal and that means they realise oh this is optional this relationship and he's scared to lose us.
This can be worked to our advantage.

The lines between child and parent blur, then as adults, the kids act like the parents (you can't date so and so, you need to do x with the will) and because that's been the pattern all along. The "parent" does what they are told.

Sadly jumping at every command never builds a mutual respect relationship, it turns into a im in charge, must punish the bad dog if they don't do what I want.

Run op retirement is supposed to be fun. And I can imagine the children are already thinking about inheritance and fear they might lose out if your relationship progresses.

Thank you for the replies.
Today he's had his son ask for £10 - the son got paid on Friday over £500 , wheres that gone? Partner said no I've got no money...which is a no but he can't bring himself to say " enough is enough, ur an adult , I'm not funding u."
He's the same with his eldest grandson who he favours, won't say no or even tell him off cos he wants to be liked. Last year the grandchild was texting constantly for money for online gaming and was demanding a laptop. I would be mortified if my kids did that to my parents but this is the way their family works...very dysfunctional.
He was supposed to be coming away this year with my kids and my parents but because there's no space for favourite grandchild he's not coming now. Doesn't want to leave him out- but the other grandkids it's OK. Sorry going off on another topic there!

I am thinking about the future and what it looks like if this is how it's going to be. He says it's what he's always done, thrown money at them , when they were younger expensive days out rather than picnic in park etc.

Have adult stepdaughters. Met their Dad very soon after their mum passed away. The youngest was then 18. 10 years I am still struggling with relationships with the two youngest stepdaughters. Eldest two are fine. Youngest two have had debts paid, money provided to bail them out and help for mortgage or rent deposit. Both have very self entitled. Their Dad is fabulous with them but sometimes doesn’t set boundaries regarding money. I find this hard to cope with as I have always had to be careful with money. They take lots of things for granted and the one who earns the most rarely reciprocates. Example choosing the most expensive item on the menu then expecting to split the bill equally (or for Dad to pay for all) when eating out. I buy gifts and cards for all their birthdays but frequently don’t get any card or present from youngest two. I accept that they may never accept or appreciate what I do for them but it does feel like walking through a minefield at times.

This sounds so familiar!

My stepchildren were all very accustomed to running to the Bank of Mum and Dad. And both Mum and Dad were very (overly) generous to them.

Then I (wicked stepmother) came along. DH wanted to merge finances and I said no, not unless I have some say in what gets spent on the kids (in their twenties and thirties). We talked more and merged finances with a joint account and personal accounts for our ‘pocket money’. Anything from joint has to be agreed and any personal expense or unagreed expense comes from our own ‘pocket money’.

It didn’t take very long for me to figure out she had been double dipping. Three different people in the family had paid for her kids’ school photos that year which, incidentally, were seven times the usual price of school photos. Some quick calculations showed she had borrowed more than the national average salary (before tax!) in the space of about 18 months. I encouraged full transparency of this with her mum (DH’s ex) and another family member who had been supporting her.

DH stopped sending her money and started offering advice to solve her many unexpected expenses and to set up a workable budget. One expense that we did agree help with was paid via my credit card as she was less likely to push boundaries or try to take advantage of me. Psychologically, that worked well. She no longer asks for money from us.

It took a while for her mum to follow suit but she cut the purse strings too. DSD is now no contact with her as money was the only reason she ever got in touch. They had had a troubled relationship for some time.

Other family member is still in contact and refuses point blank to pay for anything for her.

DSD can still be demanding and have high expectations of everyone around her but now that we have boundaries in place, she has a better relationship with DH than before, and better than she has with any other family member.

He won't say no in case they don't love him, his words.

This stands out from your OP. I'm sure he's not someone who truly believes that love can or should be bought with money?

Obviously this is guilt but has he ever said no to them and what happens if he has - do they emotionally blackmail him or refuse to see him? Could you spend a couple of hours talking through what it would look like if he told them all he has no more money to give and not to ask again? Worse case scenarios etc., to help him confront how it might look?

I know many PPs have said it's too late to change, but is it worth trying to get him in front of a counsellor to work through the feelings?

It's not just me going through it then from the replies. It's a minefield isn't it?

He's said that he probably won't hear from his kids if he says no to money. He has occasionally said no but very rarely and then he feels guilty. His previous relationship, the kids mum, she was constantly asking him for money for things, he said he just done it for an easy life.

With the daughter, he says but why should the grandkids go without its not fair on them. I've tried to say they need to manage their money and live within their means, you constantly bailing them out isn't helping long-term and it is affecting our household and relationship. I've even offered to help her meal plan but she's not interested. It's fast food all the time.

His sons car is in his name, this is the second car he's had in his name. The first one he didn't pay and it got impounded. This one, he sometimes misses payments which then my partner pays. There's less than a year left on this car and he's said he won't take out another one for him but do I believe him...no.
His kids have no respect for him, he's a cash cow.

I think I will try and calmly talk through things with him again this week though.