Advice on building a good relationship between my DD and my partner

[Greenfree]

Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice on how I can help my DD (6) and my partner of 18 months build a good relationship. They've met each other a few times and have got along really well. Things are getting more serious between me and my partner and we're talking about buying a house together in the future, this would involve him moving to live in the same city as me. I'm currently renting for another 6 months so he's going to start coming to stay over when DD is with me and I'm going to start taking her to his house more so he will be more involved in day to day parenting and I was wondering what kind of limits (if any) people set when they get to this stage with a new partner? Do I tell DD that DP has the same kind of authority as me so if he says no to something then she needs to listen etc or do I just let that kind of thing develop naturally? I have DD 50% of the time and she has a fab relationship with her dad, I am the more strict one though which DP does understand (I'm not too strict I just like her to put her toys away, don't draw on walls etc). Me and DP are taking her on holiday soon too for a week so that will be good bonding time for them, I just don't want either of them to feel awkward. He understands she's my life and I get the impression he really wants to be a good role model for her and have a great relationship with her. She likes spending time with him too - I guess I'm just worried after reading some of the posts on hear that she may end up hating him and he may feel like he doesn't get say which is what I want to avoid

I don't think it's a great idea to tell her he has the same authority as you. Surely you've brought her up to respect adults without having to explicitly say that, for example if she's at a relatives house.

You just need to take things slowly and let things develop naturally. Let you DD take the lead. You can't force anything or it will be more likely that she'll resist and end up disliking him.

It takes a while to get to the point where he has a say. That right is earned over time. Involve him in conversations about her, ask for his imput on things. It will give you an idea of whether he's on the same page as you in terms of parenting and will make him feel like his opinion is valued.

This is something my DH has always done. Even before I was heavily involved in the kids upbringing. He'll ask me "did I make the right decision there" "what do you think I should do about....". I used to ask his permission to do certain things and the response went from "yes of course" to eventually "you don't have to ask me, I trust you'd do the right thing". He now treats me as an equal parent but that's been earned over time.

Don't try to implement anything just go with the flow. Also don't expect things to go in the one direction. Your DD will test the boundaries with your DP. There might be a stage where it seems they don't get on but it could just be her testing whether he'll stick around or run.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you. I'm sure it will given you've clearly put so much thought into things.

Let things happen naturally u sound like ur trying to force things she has a dad in her life so ur partner won't b discipline her nor tell her what to do that's your job I'm a step child and get on amazingly with step parents but don't try to hard it'll b a lot smoother than u think ur just overthinking everything lol good luck and I hope it all goes well for u op xx

I don't think it's a great idea to tell her he has the same authority as you. Surely you've brought her up to respect adults without having to explicitly say that, for example if she's at a relatives house.

Yes this. I don't think that should really need saying? If you are both there then I would think you'd be the one telling her off / disciplining anyway but if for whatever reason you aren't then she should respect him as an adult anyway just like she would any who was caring for her I imagine?

Just don't do what many men seem to do from reading on here and think this means you now have an extra parent for your daughter and you can start foisting responsibility onto him for school runs and all the rest. She is still ultimately your daughter. Id speak to him about issues relating to your daughter because he is your partner and you tend to discuss life in general with your partner but parenting, including the tedious crappy bits, should be down to you and not expected of him imo. Let them build their own relationship.

Honestly you are over thinking it, I met my DSS when he was 6, he’s 20 now…. I love him like I do my other two… but it took time. There were bumps along the way; there always will be… but time helps you build that trust with an adult. You realise they love you and they aren’t going anywhere.
Id just go with it, don’t force the parenting on him or force her to see him as a parent. As others have said that respect should come naturally as she would for any other adult in her life.

Thank you for the replies they have been really helpful - I probably am just over thinking it a bit too!

he will be more involved in day to day parenting I'd ask him what he is comfortable with when you say this. I personally don't get involved unless they are going to hurt someone or it affects me or my little one.

No advice from me but would suggest you don't force anything, let things evolve naturally, and don't be in a rush to move in together. Living together changes the dynamics of a relationship, more so when a child or children are involved. Enjoy what you have right now which sounds pretty good.

I mean he'll just be around her more I guess, we've already started having conversations about it and I think keeping that communication going is going to be really important. I don't know any body else who has been through this kind of thing before so other people's thoughts are appreciated.

Yes I'm hoping things do evolve naturally as I would never force anything. Reading what others do is helpful. We are taking things slowly as anything I do impacts her so I don't want to change her norms too much all at once.