Visiting SD at the hospital

[Anuta77]

(Sorry, Im not using the apostrophe, they cause formatting issues here)

Im not sure what to do exactly about this situation.
SD (16) is at the hospital since Wed (and at least for another week) for a lung problem due to playing a wind instrument. Shes not in terribly bad condition, but obviously being at the hospital is not fun.
My DP spends the day with her, her mother spends the night as shes attached to a machine and have limited mobility.
I visited once with my kids as she particularly loves my 5 year old son, her half-brother. I sent her messages. I made some food that she likes and sent teenage magazins to read.
She gets a LOT of visits (eventhough the rules only allow 2 parents) : her 3 adults half-brothers, her mothers boyfriend who lives with them, her own boyfriend, some of her friends and quiet a FEW of her mothers friends with husbands, teenage kids (who are not SDs friends), etc. Some of them are not even close to her, just the mothers friends.

In addition, they often come at the same time and sometimes after the visiting hours (!) so I heard there could be up to 7 people in the room! I think this weekend, she was never alone and my DP said that she was irritated in the evening. Apparently she doesnt sleep well.

The question is: Ive been in her life for almost 9 years, we do have a good relationship, but given how many visits she had, would it be even helpful for her that I visit her again during the week? Does she even need this? At the same time, compared to her mothers boyfriend who comes often (they live close too, not me), it might look like I dont care as much. But shes a teenager, surely she prefers her own boyfriend and friends, not another adult?

I want to do whats best, not just visit to show support when its actually not helpful to her. I know I can just continue sending her her favorite foods and reading through her father.

Ask her if she wants a visit or not?

At the same time, compared to her mothers boyfriend who comes often (they live close too, not me), it might look like I dont care as much. is this a weird dig at mum's new bloke? Why are you comparing yourself to him? Are you jealous or something?

Text her and ask if she'd like a visit or wants to chill.

I would stick to sending her special treats and texting her.

To add, you could ask her if she's up to a short video call with her little brother.

You interpret it as you wish, I described the situation so that posters can understand the situation. Because the normal response is probably: yes, its nice to visit someone at the hospital, but its not simple in this case.
To answer your question that has nothing to do with my post: the mothers bloke has been in her life half the time I was. And no, Im not jealous of him. Our relationships are completely different. Hes a man who met her at puberty, Im a woman who took care of her when she was quiet young.

I don't think it matters what it looks like then. Why does what he's doing even enter your mind, for appearances sake? Just give her a text if she can use her phone and ask?

To answer your question that has nothing to do with my post and I asked because it seemed you were concerned about appearances and compared yourself to new bloke. I'm suggesting you try not to compare.

Unfortunately, many things in this life are about appearances. Her mother is very sociable and they are from a different culture where people are very involved. It doesnt necessarily mean they are very caring as for me, coming to a hospital afterhours with husbands and growup boys when a girl is not at their best, is probably more about appearances then actually caring about what she wants.
At the same time, if she learnt that showing attention this way means caring, then I dont want her to think that I dont care.
I would like to see her, but its about her, not me.

Ask her. She is 16. She is old enough to consent to treatment on her own behalf, she is old enough to decide if she wants you to visit.

I thought of that, but she might feel bad to say no. I guess Ill just do that.

This.

It doesnt necessarily mean they are very caring as for me, coming to a hospital afterhours with husbands and growup boys when a girl is not at their best, is probably more about appearances then actually caring about what she wants. seriously stop focusing so much on what they are doing.

I'm surprised (and a bit jealous) you are allowed to visit at all. I'm out local hospital it's strictly one nominated parent carer only and you are only allowed to swap every 48 hours. Anyway, I would keep sending the treats etc and maybe suggest a video call with her little brother.

Just text her and say something like "hey was going to pop in and see you but dad said you've been swamped with visitors so I understand if you'd prefer one less."

How on earth did you get to this from that? I just read it as OP being concerned DSD will think she doesn't care as much because she isn't coming as often. It's a valid worry though I'm sure not true.

OP I'd just continue to do what you are doing, sending food, magazines, maybe a phone call to say to let you know if she'd like you to pop in but you'll let her get some rest in the meantime.

Her parents should be sticking up for the poor girl and not letting every man and his dog pester her whilst she's supposed to be resting! Why are her mother's friends visiting?! Let the poor girl rest for goodness sake (her parents not you)

I would ask DSD....

"Thinking of you xx if you fancy a visit do let me know. It'd be lovely to see you but conscious you might be overloaded with visitors and might want to chill for a bit." If there's anything I can send with Dad, let me know xx

Don't overthink it xxx (easier said than done!)

@OooGuv I really try to describe situations in ways that avoid confusion, but on this forum, things get misenterpreted so much! Regarding visitors, I was a bit shocked myself. But her mother is the one who decides (it was on her shift).

Its true that its hard not to overthink LOL. Some people view hospitals as meeting places apparently, others are intimidated by them or think that they will bother the patient, so its not always obvious what to do, when youre not the closest person to the patient.

It's odd that her mother's friends and their husbands and their teens who are not her mates are all visiting on repeat. I totally get mum's friends going once each to offer support but this sounds like a lot of people that she has to make polite conversation with.

Can your DH talk to her about what she'd like her visitor schedule to be and who she'd prefer to put off. He could include a mention of you asking how you can help.

He seems to accept what the mother does and thinks that its what's best for their daughter. Tomorrow shes getting operated, let's see how she's going to be and if she'll be flooded again on the weekend...

If you want to visit her, then do so.
Don't ask first. Just go.

Just go.