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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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13 replies

onemoreday79 · 21/03/2023 16:07

I am new on here but am looking for some help/advice.

My stepdaughter is 14 and lives with her mum in Ipswich. We should see her every 3rd weekend and normally meet at Cambridge Services on the Friday night and she goes back Sunday afternoon. She's continuously missing weekends but her mum doesn't offer to another so it is then 6 weeks before we see her.

She's been on work experience at a restaurant and has been offered a Saturday job and we're at a loss as to what is going to happen to us seeing her. We seem to get in a routine and then something happens to knock if off and if we don't see her on our planned weekend then any plans we had, have to be scrapped.

I know that we won't be her first thought as she's just so happy that she's got a job and will be earning money. I am very proud of her for getting the job but I'm worried that with the cost of fuel and accommodation, we're going to struggle to be able to afford to see her every 3 weeks. I have no one to talk to about this as my friends don't have stepchildren and it just seems that we're not thought about in any way and it's just so upsetting.

My daughter gets so upset when she doesn't come on her planned weekend and there have been many obstacles over the years. I truly believe her mum thought that we'd just give up wanting to see her as they've moved all over the country, the last time from Wales.

Thank you for reading.

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Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:29

I'm worried that with the cost of fuel and accommodation, we're going to struggle to be able to afford to see her every 3 weeks. you mean go over there? It's only your partner who needs to see her really at a push. And the fuel cost will be the same as it is now? Not sure how far away you are from her.

Ask her what she wants to do?

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:31

Also I think at that age contact can naturally reduce due to jobs etc. I suggest your partner, her parent, talk to her and work out what she might like to do perhaps she'd like to stay longer in school holidays? Or just see partner (or you too) if you visit her.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2023 16:33

You're going to find this harder to navigate as she is getting older now. I have SC but I have my own DC who are older than your SD and our 'routine' has had to adjusted to fit with their lives, and quite rightly so. It needs to fit with their studies, jobs, social lives.

At 14 she's old enough to make her own decisions about and I'd be asking her what SHE wanted. That might be to stay with her mum as her life is there, and you'll have to find a new routine, like her coming for block weeks in holidays etc.

SmallStrike · 21/03/2023 16:50

Are you only seeing her on these weekends, not holidays too? So about 34 nights a year?

Just pick her up on the Saturday night instead, then take her back Sunday evening? You could suggest a few weeks of holiday time too.

At 14 and only seeing you so infrequently she probably doesn’t see you as close family and finds the travel a chore. It sounds like that’s at least partly due to parental alienation, but there’s not a lot you can do about it, especially as she gets older.

Original poster

onemoreday79 · 21/03/2023 16:53

Yes, we will work to whatever she decides to do. You do expect changes as they get older but still hard isn't it.

We live about 3 and a half hours away from her as we're in Derbyshire.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2023 16:56

I've got to say, looking at it from a teenagers point of view, I can understand not wanting to go that far on the weekends. It would bother me!

SmallStrike · 21/03/2023 17:02

onemoreday79 · 21/03/2023 16:53

Yes, we will work to whatever she decides to do. You do expect changes as they get older but still hard isn't it.

We live about 3 and a half hours away from her as we're in Derbyshire.

It is rubbish for you as people who love her, but as you say she’s probably happy to have the new job, she’s growing up and a lot of people barely see their teenagers even if they live with them!

In your DH’s shoes I’d agree to cut back the weekend contact, keep the lines of communication upbeat and open and ask her to come on any family holidays you plan. Perhaps you could all make the trip and stay locally sometimes too, and she can show you around her area?

SmallStrike · 21/03/2023 17:05

One good thing about her being more independent is that you can schedule visits and holidays more directly with her too, and soon she’ll be able to use the trains if she’s not old enough now.

At 14, the courts would let her decide where she spends her time, so it’s better long-term to keep a good relationship on her terms than force something she will resent.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 17:08

Face time is a great way for siblings to catch up. My ds joined the army at 18 and his siblings felt he wasn't far at all using phones to keep in touch!

PeekAtYou · 21/03/2023 17:09

I think that moving to half of school holidays only is the only way forward here. That will mean every 6 weeks but if sd doesn't mind then it would be possible to get 3 rather than 2 days.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 17:48

Ah thats quite some journey. I think it's going to have to be DH going to see her unfortunately. Coupled with if she wants to come in the holidays.

Laurdo · 21/03/2023 21:22

One of my DSS lives 10 minutes away and the other 45 minutes. They're 16 and 15 respectively. DSS who's 16 is scheduled to be at ours 50% week on week off, while SS who's 15 is every other weekend due to school during the week. It was around age 13/14 that SS15 started cancelling weekends at his dad because he was going out with mates. We went months of not seeing him which really hurt my DH but he didn't want to pressure him into coming. DSS16 who lives closer has also had spells on not coming to dad's because boundaries are a bit firmer here and he has more freedom at mums. Again, this upset my DH but he wasn't willing to change how he parented or lower his standards and expectations to suit a lazy teen.

DSS16 now spends most of his time here as the novelty of a lack of parenting and structure at mums wore off after time and he also claimed his mum was a nightmare to live with. DSS15 has now started coming through more often after finding out he had been missing out on some fun activities at dads. He's also talking about leaving school when he's 16 and getting a trade. DH has worked in the building industry for years so will be able to sort him a job very easily. DSS15 has said he would live with us through the week if DH got him a job and go back to mums EOWE to catch up with mates.

My point is, at their age they will do whatever is best for them and whatever enables them to have a social life and work life. As hard as it is, try not to take her lack of visits personally. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't enjoy spending time with her dad or that she loves him any less but a 3.5 hour trip is a lot. Kids who don't have separated parents go off to uni at 17 and only come home on the holidays. Sometimes my DSSs can be here and I barely see them because they're up in their rooms sleeping the day away or glued to computers. Or out with mates. It's just part of them growing up.

Like others have said, make sure you still keep in touch via phone, texts etc and facetime her.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 11:06

I think you need to be realistic that anything less than weekend contact at that distance is impractical. If she doesn't want to go EOW anymore, tell her she's welcome to arrange to come when she does want to, and your love for her to come for longer in the holidays.

I'm confused about why your plans need to be scrapped when she doesn't come. What are you planning that cannot be done without her? Surely that impacts your DD?

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