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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

When did you start seeing yourself as step mum?

16 replies

ToTheMax0 · 19/03/2023 12:10

Younger sister is in this position.
She doesn't live with her partner or his DD who is now 13 but they have been together 5 years. Today she left a post on FB about how proud and happy she is to be a step mum. Our own mother thinks it's too soon as they don't live together and are not married, as well as the child's biological mother being very much on the scene.
What do you think?

OP posts:

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Beamur · 19/03/2023 12:16

I don't think there's any specific times or rules. 5 years is a long time even if they don't live together.
Made me realise I don't know if my SC refer to me as their step mum. Personally I don't think it matters. They call me by my first name.
My Dad is married so technically I have a SM except I only ever think of her as my dad's wife. Because we don't actually have a relationship.

Chewbecca · 19/03/2023 12:20

I guess we are all different.

I became a SM when I married Dsc's Dad.

They call me by my name.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 12:21

I don't think it's too soon or relevant that she has her own biological mother, that doesn't stop someone being a step parent. I think it's more to do with how much involvement she has with her, if she does anything for her etc.

Original poster

ToTheMax0 · 19/03/2023 12:24

She does fun stuff with the child but not the day to day stuff like attending parents evenings, chores and general life admin . As she only sees them of a weekend it's just the downtime

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 12:44

ToTheMax0 · 19/03/2023 12:24

She does fun stuff with the child but not the day to day stuff like attending parents evenings, chores and general life admin . As she only sees them of a weekend it's just the downtime

You don't need to do parents evening and general life admin to be a step parent. It sounds like you and your mum are predisposed to think she's not a real step mum if she isn't doing as much as an actual parent.

If she's literally just tagging along on days out and their dad does 100% of the work and she just makes small talk now and then then it's probably a bit much to call herself that. But generally seeing the kids on weekends does involve a fair amount of effort, and five years is a long time.

Starlitestarbright · 19/03/2023 12:46

I agree with your dm she doesn't even live with her dp.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 16:34

Mine started referring to me as their step mum when we got married I think, they call me by my name but I know they call me their step mum to teachers, friends etc and mine and DH’s DC as their sister.

I was parenting from when we moved in together which was before we married as they were young and it was mostly on their terms - having one while DH took the other to an activity, etc.

Since loads of couples don’t ever get married I disagree with the hordes on here who say you’re not a step parent if you’re not married. But I think living together makes a big difference, and how often you see them/how much time you spend with them. My dad and SM didn’t marry for over a decade but they lived together long before that and it was a gradual change from her being dad’s girlfriend to a step parent figure.

Your DSIS sounds quite hands off, presumably by mutual agreement, but it’s up to her, her partner and the DSC how they define their relationships. I don’t think it’s for anyone else to decide that.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 12:38

When the kids called me their stepmum

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2023 16:34

I'm a few years in and married to their dad, and they have a half-sibling but I still don't really see myself as a step-mum. I don't parent them.

bellsandwhistles333 · 21/03/2023 16:39

This is tricky.... personally I didn't refer to myself as a step mum until we had our son and we were 5/6 years in and even then it was rare. We are now 10 years in married and it's the norm now, the eldest SS called me one of his parents the other day and that was lovely to hear

Navigatingthroughlife · 21/03/2023 16:58

This is a really interesting post. I follow an author on Instagram and she just got married to her other half. She posted a video of the bedroom they had done up for her step child and she used the term ‘my husband daughter’ so many people commented saying how cold that came across. You can’t win. I guess whenever feel rights for that family unit

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 17:07

With my ex it was as soon as we bought our first home and she started staying here regularly.

With dp I am not sure I ever will as they are older and don't really need parenting anyway so not sure it would be the same.

Lunaloud · 21/03/2023 17:11

On my wedding day when DSD said, Luna your going to be my real wicked stepmother now your marrying my Dad.

JessesMum777888 · 21/03/2023 17:15

I didn’t.

when the kids saw me as a step mum and referred to me as a step mum that’s when I became one.

SunnyLion · 21/03/2023 17:34

I'm a few years in and married and step mum/dad isn't really used in my house.
We parent our own kids and don't get involved much with each others (I.e looking after them alone) it works for us.

DoingUp · 06/04/2023 12:55

I generally think you are a stepmum when you are in a committed relationship with a dad and you live with him as a unit.

Although if she has seen them with her partner every weekend for 5 years, and therefore they are a pretty central part of her life, I can see why she could see herself as stepmum.

Flip