How to approach this

[Bafflingpineapplecow]

Hey everyone,

First post on this board, I was just wondering whether anyone can help me with a bit of a tough issue I'm encountering with my lovely DSD (11). She is a wonderful child and I feel priviledged to be in her life which is why I'd like to help her.
First things first, her Dad has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and is now on medication and therapy which is wonderful for him. His daughter is exhibiting similar signs and is having some issues surrounding this. She's said herself she would like to go back to her old counsellor at school (she's been for a few sessions before and really got on), however mum is saying no as she doesn't think it's necessary. Of course, that's her right as a parent and I don't want to get involved or overstep. I've told my DP he might want to raise the issue with mum again which he says he will but is it even possible for one parent to 'overrule' the other when it comes to this or will school ask mum for permission? I want what's best for my DSD but I obviously have no insight on what's going on with school so I can only go by what DSD says she'd like to do.
I'd like it a lot better if we could somehow get mum onboard. Have you got any tips on how you'd gently raise this with her so she doesn't feel the need to get defensive?

Are you even sure the counsellor at school is still an option available to her? Sometimes they can only offer a limited number of sessions or there could be a waiting list.

There’s no point bringing it up if the school counsellor can’t see your dsd anyway because the device is overwhelmed and is your DP has said he’ll talk to his ex about it then he can do that or talk to the school himself.

Bear in mind that your DSD might well be telling you and her mum different things!

Thank you @MelchiorsMistress I appreciate the reply. Of course you're right, that's the first thing that needs checking. I am wondering though whether, if the school has no further availability, we could offer private for her. But of course we'd only do that in agreement with mum and DSD as I'd wager we couldn't always guarantee that we could schedule the sessions during our contact time.
And yes, she might be telling different things of course but would the outcome of counselling in and of itself be so bad if she did?

There really isn’t anything to be done if the sessions are during dad’s contact time. But it’s a difficult one and going ahead without the support of both parents could cause untold issues. Whatever you decide, don’t tell her to keep counselling a secret from mum.

I know from family some counsellors won't engage unless both parents give explicit permission.

@Changechangechanging this is what my issue is. We don't want to hide anything from mum or do anything "underhand" which is why I'd like to find a way to get both parents on board. I don't want conflict whatsoever but I'd like to help my DSD :(

And thank you @Marblessolveeverything that is good information.

@Bafflingpineapplecow is there anything behind why DSD wants support - stuff going on at mums that mum doesn't want revealed ?

What is mums response to DSD is asking for help and says this is what she needs ? Why aren't you listening?

Maybe a group chat between DP mum and dsd ? So that if there is a crossed message it comes out in the open ?

I don't think it's anything to do with what goes on at mum's necessarily, I think it's more friendship troubles my DSD is concerned with and academic pressure at school. We are trying to listen to mum but she's not been forthcoming with reasons as to why she is saying it's not needed. Mostly just shrug and 'she just doesn't need it.' Yes, a group chat sounds a good idea though I don't want DSD to receive any flack if it turns out she has been saying different stuff to the different parent as there could be a reason for this iykwim. Will still float the group chat with DP

Parental consent should never be a barrier to counselling but the counsellor would have to consider the effect on the child if one parent did not consent and found out about the counselling.
If done in school it would mean the child would have to miss some lessons as counsellor's can't see everyone at lunchtime and it also means the child misses lunch, and the non-consenting parent could find out if a teacher accidentally tells them during a parents' evening, eg "Well, obviously X's progress has been affected by her not being in all her lessons".
I think this is one for both parents to discuss sensibly, bearing in mind that the child has asked for counselling.

I saw a school counsellor and my parents were not informed, let alone asked their consent. If she needs to see a counsellor her parents feelings shouldn’t factor.

Thank you @HarrietSchulenberg I didn't know they would miss lessons due to the sessions. It makes total sense of course. I think DP will float it again with mum and offer private so as not to affect her progress.

@FUSoftPlay if you don't mind me asking, how were these initiated if your parents weren't informed? Did you tell your teacher you wanted them? Because if so that would be another option for us to explore. DSD could tell her teacher.

It was 20 years ago so I don’t remember the exact details - I think I approached my form tutor to ask for them.