Feel both sad and frustrated

[SemperIdem]

My step children’s mum has very recently had a new baby. The youngest, 6, seems to be really struggling and has been since the pregnancy was announced - there’s been a big regression in behaviour and speech. We have the children 50:50 and the behaviour has been challenging at times, but at root there’s a small child who is feeling unsettled and confused.

Their dad and I have remained consistent in maintaining our usual rules and boundaries, whilst factoring in that he needs more support and reassurance at the moment (cuddles, 1:1 time, group non screen activities).

I just feel so frustrated by their mother, she is not what one would describe as an engagement and proactive parent at the best of times. And now this poor little child is really struggling and she’s too clueless to even notice. The older children are very obviously being sidelined and we’re supporting them too of course but can have more open (age appropriate) conversations with them so it is a bit different.

It is just awful to observe, I have a child of my own (not my partners) and cannot understand the level of disengagement their mother is capable of. I’m mindful my role is not to mother them and I don’t, but I am a more engaged with them as a step parent than she is as a mother, it just feels like it shouldn’t be this way.

Just to clarify in case it is questioned - by “open conversations” I mean, it can be explicitly said to the older two that of course their mum still loves them the exact same as before etc, because they voice worries about being forgotten about and similar. The youngest is not able to do that. There has been no bad mouthing their mum to them, in any way.

What exactly do you mean when you say her mum is disengaged? Do you have any specific examples of this behaviour?

You say shes very recently just had a baby - give this woman a break. Its bloody hard work when you have older DC to think about. You don't know how she is coping physically/emotionally mentally.

When my 2nd DC arrived this impacted on my older DC. It's just what happens and the SDC will take time to get used to it, particularly as they are not always at their DMs house.

Leaves them to their own devices in their rooms (none are old enough for that really), doesn’t feed them well, doesn’t send them to school in clean/presentable clothes, make sure school reading/homework is done etc.

This is historical and on-going behaviour. It’s always been something we’re aware of and try to mitigate against, but it’s all been massively exacerbated by the new arrival.

Yes, all true, if I hadn’t indicated in my post that this isn’t entirely new behaviour. It has just become worse and is now badly impacting the youngest child, who is the person I am concerned about.

She has a duty to her existing children to not make them feel entirely sidelined and unsettled.

There is a very weird dynamic here on mumsnet where step mothers are always in the wrong so you are bound to get people picking holes in your OP and siding with the children's mother. However yes, I can understand how frustrating and upsetting this must be for you all, completely baffles me how a woman who is so disengaged from her existing g children will go on to have another. Holding on to a new partner I'm guessing?

This sounds like neglect rather than disengagement to me. Has your partner tried to get the children to stay with you for the majority of the time rather than 50/50?

Yes, a very new partner.

The children are so excited about their new sibling (which is lovely and very much supported by us) but there is such a significant change in the behaviour of my youngest step child, it’s really sad to see. They’d always been confident, if slightly young for their (already very young) age but now they’re like a totally different child, unsure, shy, semi-nonverbal, desperately needy for physical affection.

This is something we have discussed, more recently it has become frequent.

I would support my partner completely, if he went for more than 50:50.

They aren’t my children, but they are my family and they deserve better than they currently have.

OP that's one of the nicest things I've ever read here, you are right they are your family

Hey OP,

Could a temporary agreement for them to come to you more be an option?

Older children always get less attention when a new baby comes but it sounds like the baseline here isn't acceptable to begin with.

If it were positioned to Mum as a temporary "help" could that work?

I feel for you

x

@thestepmumspacepodcast

thank you!

I have suggested it to my partner - to be honest, given how my step children’s behaviour is affected by being at their mum’s, my worst nightmare is seeing them less than the 50:50 arrangement we have now. I’d 100% rather them live with us more of the time, rather than less.

I’m really conscious my child is being affected by all this too

If its neglect then yes try to have them at dad's more, go to social services?

If its that she's chosen to parent differently then I personally think dad should say something. Even if she gets all defensive and up in his face, it needs saying and she might take it in. Do they normally communicate by email or text? Perhaps a factual list of the observed changes.

They communicate very little. Mostly through the eldest child which isn’t something I agree with, it’s too big a weight for a child and I’ve actively discouraged it.

My partners take is that she will never change so there is no point. But it is damaging them all. So I persist - not because I enjoy conflict, I don’t at all. But how they all are by the time they go back to their mum, versus how they arrive - they’re not the same children. It makes me so sad for them. It’s also really bloody hard to deal with the challenging behaviour, knowing it’s incoming and that it isn’t their fault!

My ex and I are much more on the same page in terms of parenting and communicate with ease. That doesn’t mean we don’t disagree, we do. But it is a more united approach and our child flourishes because of that.

I just want them to be happy