Update from Nelli

[Nelli29]

Firstly I would like to say a great big thankyou to everyone on this site. I have found it so helpful and its been great to be able to air my views and get different opinions on my situation, the best thing is realising that I am NOT abnormal and that there are alot of people in a simular situation. I do feel alot better so thank you!
Thanks to all your support, I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and take some positive action as far as bm was concerned, so last monday I got home from work and rang her up. This was a really hard thing for me to do but I just thought things could hardly get any worse! We ended up having a 40min conversation and cleared a few things up, I obviously don't trust what she said to me really , I'd like to but neither dh or myself can trust her word, but things were discussed and I did feel like I did the right thing! My dh nearly fell of his chair when I told him! There was only one or two things that she said to me which I know was her way of trying to have a dig, but I just kept quiet and let her say whatever she needed to! Later on that afternoon I had a phone call from sd (whos 6) which has NEVER happened before, asking what I wanted for christmas! So it was worth it just for that , because obviously bm has allowed this and it was nice for sd/dh/ and myself to be able to relax a bit. I have also made a real effort with sd new bedroom, we've got her new furniture, bed, i've painted her room, which I'm really hoping she will, at last sleep in on her own. I still feel really knotted up sometimes and with SD coming on friday my stomach still turns upside down, but I feel at least I going in the right direction! I'm sure tomorrow I will be posting a message saying completely the opposite, but today is a good day!!
K x

Glad to hear you feel better. You are right, it is a struggle, well done for being assertive!!!

That sounds like such a good start. I bet SD's phonecall out of the blue was a lovely surprise. Well done. :)

That was really brave well done. At least you know in your heart that you have done the right thing.

Good on you!

I've always thought that if the x and I could talk there would be a lot less bad feeling and fewer misunderstandings. DSD would also not be in the position of playing us off against each other which she does, frequently.

I know what you mean about the pending weekends. My stomach turns whenever she is on the phone. I don't mind them talking, in fact I wish they would do it a lot more, but I think its a learnt reaction to the early days when she and her then partner said and did some extremely unpleasant things, and there was always resulting hassle, trips to Court etc.

Hope all goes well this weekend. We have a visit too. Let us know how it goes.

I have never plucked up the courage to phone the ex, I really admire you for having the guts to do it.

Well done Nelli, I hope it's just the beginning of things going better for you.

Well done Nellie - actually phoning her up and speaking to her directly is excellent and shows a LOT of guts. I had a few of those kinds of chats back in the day with BM but i did it by e-mail as I didn't have the guts to do it by phone or in person. It made a big difference when there were some pretty tense times. Last night me, my dp and BM all went to the school Christmas play together - so there you go, that's the place that you can eventually get to.
I'm so glad thought that your dh is taking you seriously and listening to your concerns, and that your dsd is getting her own bedroom! It's amazing how quickly things can progress once you take bulls by the horn as it were.
I'm not saying that all the issues will go away (i can tell you that they don't - there's a lot of emotional politics that goes along with beign a stepmum, and that's there for life I think!!) but when I look back to who I was and where I was 2 years ago I am so happy that I've come this far and mumsnet has had a big part to play in this.
One other thing - if you do find it overwhleming at times don't be ashamed to speak to someone professional - i saw a therapist when I was struggling and it was great having an hour a week when I could speak to someone completely impartial who could help me make sense of what I was feeling.