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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed - SC & DPs SC

16 replies

IsabelK · 13/03/2023 16:43

I'm going to try and give a very brief history of this before I ask my question.

DP has 2 children with his ex, and she also has 2 children from a previous relationship. While together he treated them as his, brought them up all the same etc. He offered to take his 2 SC (step children/ ex-step children?) when he has his BC (biological children?), which his ex said no to.

Fast forward 2 years and DPs SC want nothing to do with him as they saw the break up as young teens and saw how upset their mum was etc and took her side. This would be bad enough, but my DPs SD is now using her influence to stop his DD wanting to see him. According to his ex she'll chat to her DD about seeing her dad and she'll seem fine about it and then SD will say something to her and she'll change her mind.

My DP hasn't seen his daughter for over a year and it's absolutely heart breaking. We've been down the solicitor route but without going to court and forcing his DD to see him, which he doesn't want to do, we're out of options.

Does anyone have any advice on handling this without the courts?

I really feel for my DP as he just wants a relationship with both his children. I'm also worried that his DD will regret this when she grows up, and there'll be no way to get the lost time back.

Thanks for reading.
I x

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/03/2023 17:12

How old is the dd he hasn't seen for a year? It makes a difference to his options.

Original poster
IsabelK · 13/03/2023 18:34

lunar1 · 13/03/2023 17:12

How old is the dd he hasn't seen for a year? It makes a difference to his options.

8 years old. 9 in a couple of months.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/03/2023 19:06

He needed to go to court the moment it became evident his 7 year old was being allowed to make decisions beyond her years. He needs to sort this out asap, he has very few years left before going to court would be worthless.

The responsibility for this isn't on a young child, it's her parents who have failed her here. I desperately hope she doesn't grow up blaming herself in any way for the mess her parents have made.

Original poster
IsabelK · 13/03/2023 19:31

lunar1 · 13/03/2023 19:06

He needed to go to court the moment it became evident his 7 year old was being allowed to make decisions beyond her years. He needs to sort this out asap, he has very few years left before going to court would be worthless.

The responsibility for this isn't on a young child, it's her parents who have failed her here. I desperately hope she doesn't grow up blaming herself in any way for the mess her parents have made.

The reason he hasn't gone to court, is he doesn't want to force his daughter. It could have a negative impact on her, and also their relationship. I completely agree she shouldn't be making this decision, but it's a horrible situation.
It's not as cut and dry as "go to court and make her visit him". If it was, he'd have done it.

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 13/03/2023 19:33

Being in an official 'environment' would have given his dd opportunity to speak about her df in private away from the other 'dd'.. The longer he leaves doing things by the book the less chance he has of making amends imo..

NorthernSpirit · 13/03/2023 20:11

I would take this to court asap. At 8 years old / almost 9 - she’s too young to make this decision herself. It’s a real shame her mother isn’t parenting and promoting contact.

My SD (now 17) made the decision to stop seeing her dad at 15. After years of parental alienation by her (toxic) mother - the courts, social services & Cafcass all intervened and beieived there was parental alienation taking place. By the time they stepped in (after years of court intervention) it was too late as she was almost 16.

If he wants a relationship with his daughter he needs to go to court.

I’m do sorry this has happened. My OH is completely broken by his situation. When he left his ex (who was abusive to him) - she said if you leave me you’ll never see the kids again. He went to court to get contact and spend years taking her back to court for stopping contact. His daughter has been poisoned by her mother.

He hasn’t seen or heard from his daughter in over 2 years. He texts, calls & writes to her every month. Sends birthday & Christmas presents etc and gets absolutely nothing back. It’s so sad to watch when all he has tried to do is be a good dad.

Good luck 🤞

Original poster
IsabelK · 13/03/2023 20:12

Bunnyishotandcross · 13/03/2023 19:33

Being in an official 'environment' would have given his dd opportunity to speak about her df in private away from the other 'dd'.. The longer he leaves doing things by the book the less chance he has of making amends imo..

That makes sense. I do realise court is probably the only way, but we're trying everything else first before putting her through that. My DP is just worried about his daughter being hurt further by doing the wrong thing. But as you've pointed out, it's possibly doing nothing that will cause more harm. Thanks for your opinion.

OP posts:
aslkde · 13/03/2023 22:25

He needs to go to court for access.

Like others have said he should have done so ages ago. It's lazy parenting to say he doesn't want to force her. His lack of action speaks volumes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2023 22:32

She’s being hurt now. Part of her will be wondering or believing her sister and mum are right and her dad isn’t that bothered about seeing her.

Not to sound harsh but she’s right. He’s hiding behind excuses, he should have gone straight to court a year ago.

You don’t mention if you have children but if anyone tried to stop me seeing mine there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get her back.

7 is tiny, she must be so hurt and confused and she'll have changed loads in a year.

You can’t reason with people like his ex, how long does he need to realise that and fight for a meaningful relationship with his little girl?

BungleandGeorge · 13/03/2023 22:40

What actually happened in this break up that has caused such bad feeling in the kids? I’d say it’s pretty normal for teens to support their actual parent and not want the disruption of access visits with an (ex?) step parent. I’m not sure why you’ve termed it ‘bad enough’ as such? And the animosity is from ex step child not the ex partner? I’d imagine that will be quite difficult to deal with but agree with others the best way is court access, it’s quite late now after a year though

excelledyourself · 13/03/2023 22:46

Why do you think the big sister is able to influence the 8yo sister, but not the 7yo brother?

excelledyourself · 13/03/2023 22:48

And have you met his daughter?

Original poster
IsabelK · 14/03/2023 08:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2023 22:32

She’s being hurt now. Part of her will be wondering or believing her sister and mum are right and her dad isn’t that bothered about seeing her.

Not to sound harsh but she’s right. He’s hiding behind excuses, he should have gone straight to court a year ago.

You don’t mention if you have children but if anyone tried to stop me seeing mine there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get her back.

7 is tiny, she must be so hurt and confused and she'll have changed loads in a year.

You can’t reason with people like his ex, how long does he need to realise that and fight for a meaningful relationship with his little girl?

It's taken a year fighting back and forth with solicitors to ensure access to his son, which takes us up to now. The next step is court, which is probably what it'll come down to but he was trying everything he could first. I think because they worked out the situation with his son without the court, then he thinks it should be the same with his daughter, which it isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabelK · 14/03/2023 08:54

excelledyourself · 13/03/2023 22:46

Why do you think the big sister is able to influence the 8yo sister, but not the 7yo brother?

I'm assuming because they're very close. DP always told me that they were close growing up, and I'd assume she idolises her big sister like lots of little girls do. But that's speculation on my part. His son is seen as a trouble maker by his older siblings, because he's quite wild but he's the youngest child, so I assume that's why.
I've never met his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabelK · 14/03/2023 08:57

BungleandGeorge · 13/03/2023 22:40

What actually happened in this break up that has caused such bad feeling in the kids? I’d say it’s pretty normal for teens to support their actual parent and not want the disruption of access visits with an (ex?) step parent. I’m not sure why you’ve termed it ‘bad enough’ as such? And the animosity is from ex step child not the ex partner? I’d imagine that will be quite difficult to deal with but agree with others the best way is court access, it’s quite late now after a year though

I don't know exact details, as far as I know they just drifted apart but his ex didn't take it well.
He brought his SC up from very small and is the only father figure they knew, which is why it's a shame they don't want to see him anymore.
The ex claims she isn't saying anything else to dissuade her DD from seeing her dad, but I'm not convinced of that either tbh.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 14/03/2023 09:11

Another vote for court. He's lost a year, his attempts are not working. This is a priority.

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