Totally lost, teen problems

[Walesmam23]

I am a SD to 2 kids and have my own 3, two teens and a 4yo. For the last 18 months + SS has been having issues with boundaries. Started with things like accessing porn, inappropriate messaging, inappropriate behaviour towards SD and has now turned to vaping, grades dropping, attitude stinks, using OTC medicines secretively, NOS use and god knows what else. Recently myself and my family were attacked by a gang of lads who he had got himself into trouble with, my 4yo was screamed at, my children told they were lucky they weren't killed, a truly awful terrifying experience. SS shows zero remorse, zero interest in changing his behaviour, accepts no responsiblity for the mistakes he is making and is totally disengaged with life. I am at a loss as to what to do. I have now found gas sniffing paraphernalia in his bedroom and have hit the roof. I don't know what to do or how many chances I can give him. If he was sorry I might have more patience but he genuinely does not seem to care and only becomes angry if pressed about it. I don't know how much longer I can be in this situation, I don't trust him, don't feel my children are safe around him. I don't know what to do. DH and BM want to 'support' him through these challenges which I can understand, but this isn't just about him, there are other children who live here and he clearly doesn't care about them or the affect his behaviour is having on them. I've said Ito DH that I don't want him here unless he can show he is sorry and wants to change, DH has refused to let that happen. I don't now what to do anymore. Any advice much appreciated!

Divorce.
it’s gotten to the stage of violence and your DH doesn’t care.

You get your children to a place where they are safe. Your relationship is putting them in danger.

Your partner can't abdicate responsibility for their child, but you don't need to put your dc through this.

No relationship would ever come before my children's safety.

How awful for you and your children. I was going to ask how old he is but it doesn't really matter - because this won't get better any time soon, especially with his parents pussyfooting around.

Have police/SS been involved?

I'd leave. What is the set up with the house - do you share lease/ownership?

You need to live in a different house to your h and his son in order to shield your kids.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have anywhere you and your children could stay which isn't with your SS or DH? I think I would be looking to move out and say SS is the responsibility of your DH and his BM and you won't be returning or be involved with SS at all until the situation has improved.

How old is SS? If he is old enough to move out I'd be encouraging that to happen.

Live apart if you can afford to rent on your own.

Live apart it’s the only way to have some peace and calmness in your life

Definitely report to the price and report to social services as he is placing himself at risk and that's a safeguarding risk for him and your children if he is bringing such things into the house. Do the school know? They have good school counsellors these days? Has he spoken to the GP? Will he go?

What is his mother's involvement? Is she on board?

There are some good online support organisations for teenagers. Will he engage with one of these?some chats can be anonymous.

Some 15/16 year olds can be supported supported accommodation and allocated support workers. This may be the best option for him. Children's Social Services and your local county council can advise of those schemes in your area.

Please get your children away now. If he has upset local gangs they may not stop at scaring you ! In our local town a man was killed in his own home because his Son owed a £50 drug debt, any upset is normally paid back with a fire bomb. Please get your children to safety before you can't.

Thank you for the advice everyone, I do appreciate it. My biggest concern is of course my own children first and foremost. I am in a difficult position in that I'm not financially independent, so just upping and leaving is not an option, not without some planning anyway but believe me it has crossed my mind many times. I have always, and will always, put my children first but also am conscious that they love their stepdad/dad very much and are very happy and settled in our home, so uprooting them, although not off the table, really is my last option. I feel the environment between DH and his ex is toxic. they do not get on well, they do not deal with these things very well. She is very much gently gently and whilst I see to a point that this has it's merits I feel like we've reached the end of the road with the approach. DH is much stricter, imposes punishments etc but this doesn't work either, he finds a way around it. SS simply does not seem to care. He has many opportunities presented to him to engage, better himself, experience new things and does not take them, saying he just wants to hang out with his mates. He is disengaged in school, says he wants everyone to just leave him alone and he wants to move out as soon as he can. The thing that concerns me the most is that there is absolutely no admittance that anything he has done is of his own making. It's always someone else who's bought whatever it is/someone else's idea/he's being bullied etc etc there is always a reason why he isn't responsible for his own actions and in my mind this is the biggest issue. He has no concern for the damage his behaviour is causing and how much the choices he is making is breaking his parents, he just does not care, he wants to have fun and do what he wants (his words).
DH and BM are trying to get him into some kind of rehabiiltation/early intervention programme but my concern is he's not going to engage. You can't force him to right? So at what point do i say enough is enough? He's bringing gas into the house, has brought weed and vapes in before, getting involved in god knows what with god knows who, knowing the risks involved, so what is enough? When can I realistically say no more, you're not coming here? I understand that he's a kid, kids make mistakes, we all did it, but we learnt from them and didn't do them again for the most part. It's the total lack of remorse and concern that leaves me cold.

How old is he? How much longer until he's 18?

The problem is you don't get to make the decision that he can't come if it's a joint home. Do you own or rent it together? Was it one of yours first?

The only thing you can control is your own decisions and getting your children away from the relationship is the only way to stop them being mixed up in it. It's not an option for your partner to just decide it's all down to mum now.

Oh I do understand that I'm only really able to control what happens to my children, I just don't want to take my 4yo away from her dad either. She's done nothing wrong and she's a very anxious child with SEN and I am desperate not to unsettle her if possible. It all feels such a mess. DH has spoken to SS again and it all went very wrong. SS refusing to accept he is doing anything wrong, DH has said they will get him help, see a counsellor, try and get him rehab if needed but SS not interested and says he will refuse to engage. All ended with SS screaming at DH calling him a 'fucking dickhead'. This was not at my house, was at BMs, SD was sending my DD videos whilst they were there and you could hear it all in the background. DH totally at a loss at what to do. SS says he will do what he wants, actually mocked DH for grounding him saying it doesn't work and he'll do what he wants anyway...which he has done in the past. He has no idea what he's getting himself involved with and doesn't seem to care at all. He's 15 so still a kid, DH and I rent the house jointly so I can't really say who's here and who isn't. I can't really see another option other than me to move out, which breaks my heart, but if SS isn't going to even attempt to improve his behaviour and outlook then what else can I do...

At 15, it looks like there is a HUGE uphill struggle to help SS, especially because he's refusing to engage. It's creating enormous stress and drama, but more importantly it's bringing danger into your home and even to you and your children outside the home.

This, for me, would mean getting out asap.

Your 4yo can still see her dad. But it's time to be honest that any benefits she gets from waking up in the same home as him are being far outweighed by the damage and risk.

Leave. This situation will only get worse, your very lucky nobody was harmed last time but what's to say next time you'll be as lucky?

I would tell DH that either his son moves back to his mothers and DH sees him outside of your home or you will leave with your children.

Everything has now escalated again with SS refusing to go into school this morning, DH went to the school and spoke to him and he ended up getting very angry and calling his dad a c-t and various other things. DH then went into the school for support to get him in and SS apparently told school he is being constantly bullied so DH is now feeling sorry for him. I feel like he may well be being bullied to be honest but that doesn't excuse his behaviour, am I being unfair? I feel like this is yet another excuse to get him out of trouble, I feel absolutely awful even saying that but that's what my gut is telling me.

Sounds like your DSS knows how to play his dad. Look, I am sympathetic to your situation but you have repeatedly said your children come first. So move out. They get one childhood. One. And you are allowing it to be ruined. DH isn't going to step up and protect you and yours. I mean, your children were attacked and you are still there? Dss isn't going to magically change into a decent adult when he reaches 18 unless he, his mum and dad do some serious work. Highly unlikely to happen if your DH falls for the manipulation. So your choices are to stay, suck it up and explain to your older kids honestly, why you are doing so, the four year old will be more used to it because they have grown up with it. Or leave.

Exactly what @jemimapuddlepluck said. You are actively choosing not to get your children out of this situation, that decision falls on you.

I do hear you all about getting out, I just don't know how. I guess it's a really hard admission to make as my husband and I are great, but this is all too much for my kids. I know they only get one childhood, it's just not an easy thing to admit that you need to end your marriage.

Ring women’s aid. Ring social services.

By not removing your children from this situation you are putting them at risk.

Thanks so much for all the comments on this. Things have changed a bit since I last posted and SS has now been removed from school for drug use and his behaviour has not improved at all. He doesn't come to our house now as he bought class A drugs into our home and neither DH nor I will tolerate that. I feel like I need to step away from this marriage though. At present, DH and SS are barely speaking, he feels he has been pushed away by us and he's not welcome in our family, and can't see that his behaviour and the risks it presents is the cause of that. He regularly goes out when he likes, comes back intoxicated with drugs or alcohol or both, is disrespectful and rude to his mum and shows no remorse for this behaviour, from what I have been told (which is little). The relationship with DH and SD is now also being affected as she is blaming him for the behaviour SS is demonstrating and she is also now going off the rails a bit herself, lying, stealing money, vaping, truancy.

I feel like DH can't parent properly with me being so anti his son, but I feel I have my reasons to be that way given the dangers he is putting all of us in. I feel like I really should just be stepping away from all of this, but worry about our youngest child and the effect our separation would have on her. Would you tolerate this? Would you let SS back in? Or would you move forward alone? Ugh this is all so horrid.

@Walesmam23 no your have to protect your children. If that means stepping away from your marriage that's what you need to do. That said if dss behaviour continues even with you out of the picture, how will their relationship continue?

With dsd it's reminding her that dss actions and choices have consequences and he is responsible for those results, as is everyone. He's making choices and may not be able to see those choices impact.

This sounds like a nightmare tbh. But back to you are you having any counselling? This is a hella of a lot and before you make rash decisions it's worth talking to a neutral party to explore your feelings and options.