Set days for Step Son

[Snowdonia]

Hi! Just out of interest, I'm wondering how a court order is arranged when it comes to days the parents have children.

We have 50/50 and for the last few years SS mother sends her rota for the following week and we have him when my husband is off and try to cover the days she's working as much as possible.

My husband works a set shift pattern. SS mother could be anything, there is no consistency, also days and nights.

How would set days be arranged in court? Would we be granted the days my husband is off as that is the one constant?

We've tried to talk to her about trying to work opposite, asked if she can speak to her manager etc. I've been on maternity leave for 10 months and honestly feel like I've spent the majority of my time on the school runs because she continues to pick up the same shifts as my husband. I don't know what else we can do.

We really don't want to go through court but would like an idea of how it would work. Just to see if we can try any other approach. At the minute we're probably having him more than her really which we don't mind at all obviously, but I'm due to go back to work soon and I don't know how we'll manage at this rate.

You can certainly ask for that if it's fixed days.

What would they do if you were not in the picture? My guess is that one of them would find the flexibility required to cover the time and give their child consistency.

Does your DH have any options with his working hours?

Surely court is a last resort rather than something you do whenever there is a disagreement.

It sounds to me like her job isn't one with regular shifts - it is unlikely that she can just pick shifts to suit your husband's schedule. I am not sure why your starting point is that she needs to change but your husband doesn't.

I think the answer here is flexible childcare (maybe a childminder) paid for by both parents. This should allow them to work the hours that they need to.

I'd avoid court if you can. Maybe set up a mediation appointment to discuss options. It should be down to your DH and his ex to sort childcare, it shouldn't just be landed with you because you're there. Like someone said above, what would they do if you weren't in the picture?

I looks like both sides are going to have to arrange alternative childcare. I don't think days should necessarily be planned to suit your DHs schedule so that he never has to sort childcare but mum does.

If you're amicable enough to be sharing schedules I'd keep doing that and try to cover as many days as possible. If there's a clash one week take turns at arranging alternative childcare. Couples that are together need to do the same thing if shifts clash.

I'd avoid court if you can. Maybe set up a mediation appointment to discuss options. It should be down to your DH and his ex to sort childcare, it shouldn't just be landed with you because you're there. Like someone said above, what would they do if you weren't in the picture?

To add to this you may have to force the situation by making it very clear you are not available to do the school runs for your SS and then simply refuse to do them, particularly if you are doing childcare drop offs and pick ups for your own child regardless of where you are working.

It will mean that your DH will not be able to have his son when he is not available to do them or can't drop off/pick his son up from wrap around care.

I made it very clear to my DP when I met him that I would only do emergency childcare for his other DC. His ex soon proved she had, and still has, an issue with boundaries.

She's taking the piss. Make it clear you are no longer going to pick up her slack.

Court and set days seems a good idea to me.

Yes court is absolutely a last resort and not something we want to do in the slightest. I only asked purely to get an understanding of how it works and to try and get an idea what else we can do. Today was just one of those days where it all got a bit much and it's frustrating when we're doing all we can.

My husband can ask to start later or finish earlier now and again but not multiple times a week. Especially when it's at short notice as some weeks he's chasing for her rota. They had mediation years ago which is when they agreed she'd send her rota every Friday. So for example my husband had to keep asking over the weekend for her shifts and it turned out they had 4 clashes. Then it becomes a big issue when we ask if she can sort one morning drop off.

I feel for SS when there's no consistency and it can be a lot of back and fore which he isn't keen on understandably. I know I don't actually know for definite how flexible they will be for her but I know a lot of others in the same job who put in requests, but she point blank says no. Yet she managed to work opposite shifts to him for 6 years when she didn't drive and needed lifts to and from work.

Maybe we should just say we can't do it all. I know I feel like saying it sometimes when things kick off. But it's hard when you don't want it to be at the cost of SS thinking we don't want to do it for him. When we asked if she could sort a morning this week she said he'll just have to get himself to school. Then I feel like we're forced to do it because we don't want him doing that.

It's just hard sometimes.

Also, in regards to childminders for him - We haven't looked into it for him before, but I know when I've spoken to some recently for my baby none of them work around shifts. So that wouldn't work with her rota.

How would your husband cope if his ex wasn’t there to look after their son half the time? He would need to pay for childcare I assume. Or he would need to rearrange his work around his parenting responsibilities, just like mothers have to do.

I agree with the Pp who said that you want to avoid courts at almost all costs. Can your husband arrange mediation with his ex, to discuss childcare or perhaps her working set shifts that are the opposite of his?

You don’t mention her partner so I assume she is a lone parent and doesn’t have the extra pair of hands and the second wage coming in that he does.

Also it could be harder for her to find another job as women earn less and many employers discriminate against single mums.

so it’s good that you are trying to be flexible.

Courts isn't for this and it's a waste of money for both of you. Mum isn't denying access she's actually asking your ex to have the DC more. I'd get your DH to ask about her shift patterns in a calm way or look at mediation.

You can offer to have him around his fixed rota given to her as soon as received.

You could also agree to pay 50:50 for childcare say 3 days a week. That would give his Ex options for days she can regularly work and you won't be doing childcare.

What happens if you can't have DSS at the moment?

We don't want to go to court. Like I said, I'm only asking to gauge how it's arranged.

@RandomMess@RandomMess

@RandomMess Sorry, don't know what happened above. If DH or I are unable to cover it she asks one other person. But she tends to ask that person even if they're working as well. So if we find out that's the case we then end up saying don't worry we'll have to sort it, rearrange my plans etc. Just because it doesn't seem right to ask someone else to use toil/leave so everyone else can go to work.

So surely the answer here is at least some level of paid for childcare?

Usually someone on a rota has to provide it asap in advance and contact is arranged around that or childcare paid for.

It would be in the child's interests to have more stability /certainty with Tues-Thur you are in childcare. Obviously if his Dad isn't working he can choose to have him instead.

If either parent is on UC then they could claim for the childcare costs and hopefully get some back and then pay the difference between them.

If his Mum refuses to pay for childcare perhaps you need to play more hardball and stop rearranging your life for these last minute requests until she gets the message that childcare is needed or she gets a job with a fixed rota or she can't work all the shifts she is offered.

Look every other family that works.

I think you have to see it from her POV as well.

Her EX dictated her working life when they were together and he dictates it now. His shifts and work pattern are deemed more important /less flexible than hers and she has to accommodate him - would niggle a little.

So she does ask someone else - but you guys choose to step in and take over.

Talking to each other first and foremost - going to court is not the answer . However there does have to be some give and take on both sides - your DH has no more right to demand his work is the priority over her work.

Depends on the job if it's nursing it's hard to get fixed shift patterns. Only a few employers offer this going to community 9-5 means a significant pay cut because no unsociable hours pay . Be careful it doesn't backfire as DM might say your DH should have DSS full time and she has EOW. She's not getting any maintenance as it's 50/50 so she will have to work and might not be able to afford to cut her hours.