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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New partner moving in

15 replies

VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 16:26

Hey, not sure if this is the right place to put this but would love some advice

Been separated from my DCs dad for around 3 years now. When he found out I was seeing someone new (after we’d been separated for 2 years) he attacked me, it all went to court and I now have a restraining order on him for the next 2 years.

been with my new partner for a year and he gets on very well with DC. They still have access with their Dad and see him once a week, handing children over goes via his Mum.

his family have been horrible to me regarding my new relationship and try to make my new partner feel very uncomfortable if he is ever in the car with me at drop off

We would like to move in together soon and DC are very happy about this.

my question is - would you let exH and his family know that new partner is moving in or do I just do what I want, considering how they’ve treated me, and let the DC naturally tell their dad/his family??

OP posts:

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 16:32

What sort of contact do you normally have about your daughter. Do you generally update each other about changes at each others homes or no?

sounds like it’ll be revived badly. So maybe for that reason I would inform them in writing (eg email) outside of contact times so they have time to digest it and don’t react in front of your child. I certainly wouldn’t enter into any discussion about it.

Laurdo · 07/03/2023 16:35

Just do what you want and what's right for you and your kids. It's not their business what you do. Had things been amicable then maybe it could have been mentioned to them as a curtesy but they aren't.

Greensleeves · 07/03/2023 16:38

It's none of their damn business. The only one of them who would arguably have any legitimate interest would be her father, and he's forfeited his right to be treated like a reasonable human being by abusing his daughter's mother. I wouldn't engage with his family at all.

I do think you're moving too quickly with your new partner, personally, but that's a different thread. I generally do think people are in too much of a hurry to move new partners into the homes of children who have already suffered major upheaval.

Original poster

VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 16:40

Thank you both.

any contact regarding DC has to go through ex MIL as part of his sentencing. She once shouted down the phone at me because my new DP came with us to a birthday party so the news would be received badly.

I have since told her that I won’t enter any discussion on my personal life but would hate for DC to bring it up while they’re there and they get caught in the middle.

telling them in writing prior to access is a good idea, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 16:42

Greensleeves · 07/03/2023 16:38

Not telling them at all is my first thought but I worry about DC saying and getting the brunt of their anger

I understand what you’re saying about moving too quickly but we are still taking it slowly over the next few months. I was just preparing myself for how to handle it all

OP posts:

lastnightidreamtiwenttomandaloreagain · 07/03/2023 16:57

any contact regarding DC has to go through ex MIL as part of his sentencing

Is it specified how the contact is made? Because if she's been verbally abusive to you I'd insist on contact being via email only, using an address you set up just for that purpose and that you check at certain times. Then she should only be phoning you if there's an emergency.

Original poster

VitaminSea77 · 07/03/2023 17:04

lastnightidreamtiwenttomandaloreagain · 07/03/2023 16:57

any contact regarding DC has to go through ex MIL as part of his sentencing

Restraining Order just states -
(1) not to contact directly or indirectly XX save through XX for the purpose of child contact only

we usually use WhatsApp and messages consist of times and any date changes etc, nothing more

email is a good idea. Not sure I have her email address but could ask for it

i have certainly learnt my lesson about talking to her on the phone. We were only discussing childcare and then she started ranting so I now refuse to communicate unless it’s written down but maybe WhatsApp isn’t best for this. I feel so naive about it all really.

OP posts:

ijustneedanamefgs · 07/03/2023 18:52

I would let ex mil know after she has returned the kids, so the longest possible before they are back with them. I wouldn’t put the kids in the position of telling them, and I wouldn’t want them going there soon after either.
If mil is abusive then I would insist someone else is nominated as a go between for the children. You should not have to put up with that.

Cantthinkofabettername · 07/03/2023 20:40

Definitely use email - as someone has already said above, set up an email address just for those conversations. Check it when you need to. If you have a conversation with anyone, send an email clarifying the details of the conversation. Eg ‘when we spoke on Sunday you agreed that x and y would be ok’ (or whatever).

I would personally let them know myself about your new partner moving in, totally unfair for you to let the children to do it. My ex would let the children drip feed the same sort of info eg when I was at a sports event (competition) , with one of my children taking part, the child told me that the new gf had been sleeping over. I had to deal with that on the spot in front of a couple of hundred people. Your ex might be a complete tw at but don’t stoop to his level, just tell him. No need to dress it up just that ‘x will be moving in with us and as the father of our children I wanted to let you know myself.’ Yes there’ll be crap but set up a folder for ‘complete crap’ in the email address and read it when you are ready.

Laurdo · 07/03/2023 21:37

Email is definitely a good idea. It's also easier to save them for evidence if it's ever required. My DH used to communicate with his ex via email only due to abusive calls, voicemails and drunken phone calls at stupid o'clock. Phone and all social media were blocked. She used to ask constantly for phone communication but DH refused until her behaviour settled a bit. He's had her nunber unblocked for about 9 months now. He had to block her on WhatsApp though as she kept sending unnecessary and irate voice notes and started ranting and raving down the phone at him when he asked her not to send voice notes. So the opportunity was taken away from her.

My DH informed his ex that he was seeing me and that things had gotten serious enough to want to introduce the kids. She didn't take it well. She contacted me and the messages got to the point where I had to block her too. She didn't pay him the same courtesy when she was seeing someone and had introduced him to the kids. Since then DH informs her of nothing. She found out we'd bought a house together. DH had informed her of the change of address for practical reasons but not that we were moving in together. She obviously worked that out for herself. A week after we moved in she withheld access to his DD for 8 weeks. The custody agreement was 50/50.

From experience, it doesn't matter whether you try to do the right thing or not, inform them directly or let them hear it on the grapevine. High conflict people will behave how they're going to behave. DHs ex badmouths us to the kids all the time. It hasn't impacted their relationship with us and all she's done is cause her kids to lose a bit of respect for her. If MIL reacts badly infront of the kids or badmouths you, it will work against her. Kids aren't daft and I wouldn't be surprised if they lose interest in that side of their family before long if they keep behaving the way they do.

It's bad enough that your ex attacked you but to have his mother essentially take his side and be abusive towards you too is just shit you shouldn't have to deal with. The apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree unless he's twisted the story.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:30

I have no advice sorry but wanted to say sorry you're dealing with that

Zippidydoda · 08/03/2023 14:30

I agree with setting up an email specifically for communicating with MIL. Doing it via WhatsApp means of there is hastle it mixed in with message from your friends. If you have an email address you can just check it when you are wanting to read the communication from her and it’s separate.

Do you have someone else who could do the drop off to MIL? Just wondering if that is an extra layer of separation . Eg your sibling or a friend who could drop off.

Aftjbtibg · 08/03/2023 15:33

If the children mention it will they then be pulled into that immediate conflict? As much as it’s not their business I wonder if it would be better for your DC if you find a way to communicate it to his mother so then everything can calm down before your DC next go or you can at least prepare them

Original poster

VitaminSea77 · 09/03/2023 06:33

Thank you all for your advice

my gut feeling was to tell him/them and give enough time for the dust to settle before they saw DC again

the one thing I want to avoid is DC getting caught in the middle

OP posts:

leelan · 09/03/2023 20:18

I would inform him via the exMIL out of courtesy purely so your children aren't made to keep a secret or let slip then they get the brunt of the anger.
It really isn't anything to do with them and your free to live your life as you wish.
Be upfront and honest and then nobody can accuse you of keeping secrets blah blah.
Let him be angry, it will happen, they'll lash out but ultimately they will get over it.
My ex and me split when our son was 18 months (he left). I moved in with someone when he was 4. Baring in mind he ended our relationship and was actually living with someone else, he went mad. Very upset with me, couldn't handle the fact his son was living with another man etc etc. 6 -8 weeks went by and he wasn't bothered anymore.
Moral of my story is they'll get over it! Haha good luck x

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