Different styles of parenting with children the same age

[BaffledOnceAgain]

I'm a long time poster with a new account as I can't remember or reset my password.

I'm in a relationship with a man who has two young teens exactly the same age as my own two young teens. We get on really well together and have been together nearly two years. The kids get on brilliantly.

In the last 9 months, his teenage daughter has been caught lying several times about things like drinking and staying over with boys (at the age of 14). She has then boasted to my teens and her sibling about the drinking.

I know that this isn't unusual for young teens, but I want to encourage honesty and fairness. I feel she is quite vulnerable as she is quite naive and very easily-led. I've drummed honesty into my teens forever. My partner has his teens half the week and parents completely differently. We cannot co-parent or co-habit because of this.

He is happy to let it go each time and just to keep saying she doesn't need to lie without consequence and still believes her each time (until she tells the others what she has really done). He then reiterates the message, but only under duress from me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to manage this for the next five years? Is it manageable? I've distanced myself from his kids because it is hard to go out with all 4 kids with very different expectations. I can't think of a way round it. My kids are very astute and aware that his kids can basically do whatever they please. He doesn't have any input with my two, even though he sees them more than he sees his own two.

Kids need discipline especially as teenagers to form them into a decent adult. Obviously it’s great you all get on and it’s clearly up to your partner how he deals with his kids when they act out. However I’d be suggesting privately there should be repercussions when ANY of the kids act out so they can see it’s fair across the board. For example ground them, take phones off them etc. When speaking to your other half I would be saying when any of our kids so he doesn’t feel you’re singling out his daughter. Teenagers will be teenagers they test the limit but as a parent you need to put limits in place for them to know they’re crossing the line. Good luck

I would personally stop trying to help him with his parenting. If you've mentioned it then just leave it. It's up to him and mum how they raise their child. It's tough though, especially if you do care for the children. As for your children, you'll just have to say that it's tough as they have different parents.

He seems a really poor father. Why does he only act with duress from you? Why does he not care about his own child?

Is this the kind of man you want to have a relationship with? These issues are not not just about parenting styles but the kind of man he really is deep down. He is not even hiding it. He is showing you this is who I am.

He definitely does care about the children. He wants to help them have fun and doesn't see a need yo put boundaries in - they will learn for themselves. He grew up drinking as a young teen and going out with cousins and feels that it did him no harm.

His children have been watching 15s since the age of about 8-10 and the 14 year old is currently watching You on Netflix on her own. She thinks it's really cool to do these things. I feel these experiences expose her to things that she takes to be the norm and to aspire to, whereas I would a) not have her watch it yet and b) rather watch it with her and discuss it. Her dad thinks she understands the humour and that the sex isn't real or very graphic.

When my exh cba to parent our dc they moved to me full time. Citing they needed an actual parent.

Will your dh enjoy having a teen dm for a dd?
Or a dc with alcohol issues as drinking under age aids problems with drink. Not quashes the risks.

No, he won't. He just doesn't think it will lead to anything bad happening.

Not seeing a need to put boundaries is not caring and also neglect. It is pretty serious. You can already see the consequences.

Watching Netflix for ages higher than they are on such a regular basis is also neglect and not caring. You are minimising what he is doing.

Do you want to stay in this relationship? How he parents (or does not parent) is going to affect you in a negative way. You will feel the consequences of it too.

Some parenting classes might help him if he wants to make a change.

He sees no need to make a change because he feels it is only things he did at that age. I work with children so I know that it would not count as neglect, but it is definitely not ideal.

We see the children one weekend a fortnight and not much of that now because the kids are starting to do their own thing and the other three already do lots of sport. Therefore, it isn't ideal but isn't as big an issue as it would otherwise be. I have no intention of co-habiting because I couldn't parent children of the same age differently.

Emotionally damaging with lifelong implications then if it you don't think it is neglect?

Does anyone have any advice about how to manage this for the next five years?

I think it’s naive to think this will all be fine in 5 years! A lying troubled teenager given no
guidance or parenting, will probably end up a lying troubled adult.

I would struggle to have respect for this guy.

He only sees his kids one weekend a fortnight, doesn't put in healthy boundaries as a parent and laughs about his DD lying, and underage drinking and sexual activity?

If your ex was behaving like this with your DC would you be ok with it or would you think he was being a shitty parent and an arsehole?

Sorry, I'm struggling to reply to individual messages.

Yes, definitely worrying which is why I'm discussing it. I'm trying to be a positive influence in lots of different ways. I won't go into details as it would be too outing. I hope that we are intervening before it is too late to make a change.

DP has the kids more nights, but we only see them on the alternate weekend due to the kids' activities. This limits the effect on my own children and means I have been able to back up a bit.

And yes, it does mean I respect DP less. I've told him this.

I have an OH and he and his ex are in a totally different, ineffectual parenting universe to me. These men are in a bind with not wanting to rock any boats with kids and wanting things to be ‘nice’. ‘Nice’ is not the same a ‘kind’.

We remain non cohabiting after 7yrs for this reason even as his dc are 22 (emotionally like a 8yr old and and lazing about the house for the last 8 years and will continue to be mollycoddled and enabled forever) and 18 (off to uni soon).

all you can really do (sad as it is) is keep things separate and leave them to it and be honest with your kids.

So is his DD actually drinking and sleeping around or just lying about doing/not doing it? I'm astonished that he would be so laid back. No good could come of this.

As you don't live together and want to keep your children away from the negative behaviours, could you just date him (ie see him without any children)? Or would it be better to move on?

Gary it's good to hear you've managed to make it work for you.

Meridian I think seeing much less of his kids is helping. It's not what I originally wanted, but we can't aren't so separately together.

His DD is only talking about sex, but has been drinking and lying about it. DP thinks this is all fine and normal. I just want to keep my two protected a bit longer until they are more emotionally ready to deal with it. My DS (almost 15) had a bit of vodka at a party recently, but we discussed it beforehand, including how to manage a party with mostly older kids and how to get out of drinking if being pressured. He came back still sober and pleased with himself and was honest with me. (I've drummed honesty in forever. I know teens will not tell us stuff and that's part of growing up, but I didn't see this as something to lie about and neither did he.)