How do I handle this with 9 year old DSD?

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I've been with her dad since she was 2, we have a very good relationship and I've never tried to be "step mum" more of a role model, friend, someone to guide her and offer advice etc. I've never really disciplined her per se. One because I've never needed too (she's well behaved, albeit sometimes cheeky) but she has 2 perfectly good parents with her mum and dad. I leave that too them.

Her dad and I have just recently had a daughter together. Funnily enough the same time her mum had another baby too who is 4 months older than our baby.

DSD now think she knows everything about parenting now. 3 examples today alone:

• I'm following BLW approach, so DD will eat healthy finger foods in her high chair. She was gagging, I'll admit it does make me panic internally but I don't make a fuss, I just watch her closely and move closer to her high chair. DSD goes "for gods sake! She will be fineee! Stop panicking. You are so over reacting".

• There was a potato chip thing that came with breakfast, I handed DD a bit and again DSD said "you're not supposed to do that, you need to bite the end off" and I just ignored her.

• DD is teething, been a bit of a grump and DSD goes "you think it's bad now, just you wait until she's teething" she is teething ffs...

Any ideas?

I have a 9yo DD.

This sounds really annoying. These are all the typically annoying things to be told by anyone when you have your first baby let alone a 9 year old!

But I'm sure it's just a phase and she is repeating things she's heard in the other household.
My DD is a very good girl but she is suddenly listening to everything we say, often ear wigging and wanting to know what we adults are talking about when we didn't think she was listening at all.

She's also become a bit 'precocious' - and whilst I'm keeping a close eye on it and will be careful to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, I also know it's part of growing up, finding a new level of confidence etc and it's just a phase.

I'd try to bite your tongue if can in the knowledge its a phase and will pass.

And maybe take comfort in the fact that she is at least interested and showing a level of care for her half sister... and let's not forget, she has 2 new siblings at once which is going to be a LOT for a 9 year old living in 2 blended families.

I have a 10 year old and my eldest dc was 8 when he was born, it’s a funny gap really because they want to be involved and parent in a way! (My two have different dads). I would actually just laugh it off. Say “oh wow, aren’t you the expert” and laugh. And ignore. And repeat. They’ll get bored eventually.

My eldest (boy) tries to parent the youngest. I laugh and tell him you’re not the parent!
It is annoying but she’ll get over it.

Deep breaths & ignore. She's not unusual behaving this way - know it all Pre teens are par for the course in my experience (regardless of topic!)

I agree with Chronic

Maybe its just best to smile, thank her for her advice and be patient, she is probably feeling so proud that she can offer "helpful" advice, please dont burst her bubble. Of course you should also re-inforce that all babies are different and that as this babys mum you know what your own baby needs...but again thank her for her concerns and make sure she doesnt feel like a spare part.

Maybe involve her in small decisions such as choosing a few options then calling her in to help decide e.g...what do you think baby should wear today? Which of these activities/toys do you think your sibling would like to play with, or do you think baby should have apple or pears for snack today? etc.. This is what i have done with my older children when they were being a bit overbearing and it helps them feel they are involved.

This will pass, very soon Dsd will be an uniterested pre-teen...and when she comes out on the otherside she will hopefully have a beautiful relationship with her baby siblings.

My 11 year old keeps trying to parent his nearly 8 year old sister. They're snotty little know it alls. Maybe thank her for caring, but reassure her that you've got this. Come up with a stock phrase you can use without thinking.

Like a PP has said, it's nice she cares. Just try and remember that and maybe give her some stuff to be in charge of so she feels trusted and responsible?

Heh, x-post with CoutureBakes

My son can be a bit of a know it all, and I just say 'thank you, but your sister already has two parents and doesn't need a third'.

Yep. Deep breaths and ignore. I think if you carry on doing things your way she will eventually get the message.

She might even be noticing the things that you do and telling her mum what to do, you never know. Easier for her mum to laugh off though as comments like that aren’t seen as intrusive and annoying when coming from our own children.

I wouldn’t let my child speak to me like that. The first example is completely unacceptable, in particular.

I would be having strong words with my husband about how his daughter is not in charge and I will not be told what to do and told off by a 9 year old. So he needs to sort out her attitude and make sure that she is not doing these things.

How he chooses to do that is up to him. But I think you can set boundaries about what you are willing to put up with. I wouldn’t allow any 9 year old to tell me how to look after my baby.

shes just repeating what she has heard in the other household, no need to "handle" it, just laugh with her about her "parenting"

8/9 year olds can often be annoying anyway. It's probably her way of trying to feel included.

She is probably just trying to feel some form of control in her life. Both her parents have new babies and new families and she is the outsider to both.

Why can’t you just go with it?

My first DGC I almost turned the high chair upside down when he was properly gagging. I had forgotten so much about babies by that time. That’s overeacting 🤦‍♀️

First one I would probably have said yeh I’m a bit anxious but no need for you to be so cheeky.

Second one, same as you ignored her.

Third one oh great you can help me when it gets worse then.

I might be tempted to go the whole hog and say, I’m so pleased I’ve got you to help, every time she chimes in and then encourage her to gather the nappy or bath stuff maybe ask if she wants to help but remind her when she oversteps the mark. She will learn her boundaries soon enough.

She's 9.

Girls this age are generally started to hit puberty and all the boundary pushing and knowing it all that comes with developing female hormones and whilst still being 9 and not developed emotionally.

I agree with the laughing.

"Oh it's great you know how difficult teething is - you can help me when she's screaming blue murder"

"Oh I know it's worrying when they gag and parents do seem to worry more. You'll understand one day when you have your own".

If you're this upset about a 9yo being a cheeky madam now wait u til you have a 9yo dd and 18yo DSD on your hands

“I’m the parent thank you, I’ll ask if I need your opinion”

She's probably feeling a little insecure with new siblings in both homes, and this is just her way of asserting herself a little - she's just repeating what she's heard around the older baby. It does sound super annoying though!
I'd carry on ignoring the comments, or when something does need to be said try something like "It's ok, I'm the parent here, you concentrate on your breakfast/homework/game/etc".

Well, I'd just tell her she's being cheeky! This is the trouble with not disciplining SC as a rule, they're in your home, you need to be able to talk to them if they're doing something wrong.

Sounds like she's heard her mum saying similar things to her mums partner, and is just copying.

I'd ignore it.

Yep... another owner of an annoying 9yr old... I'm hoping it's just a phase... yes dear I do know how to change the channel on the TV... yes I know how to switch the lights on on the car too... even daddy's car!!

And breathe...

Can you put yourself in her shoes a minute? Only we have a baby and my DD is 8 and actually found the change quite hard...she's probably a little jealous of the rapt attention that the new little people get in each household and the level of nurture that naturally they need.
I would chuckle with her about the instructions, and ask maybe oh is that something you've found with other little sister? You're quite the baby expert now having two!
If I was finding it too rudely said I would address the rudeness.
Her place in both families has been totally rocked twice in a short space of time, I'd be checking in with her that she feels seen, heard and loved too.

Leave the baby with her for 24 hours and go on a spa break.

You’ll feel refreshed and your DSD will be thoroughly schooled.

Let me know if you need any tips on tantrums or toilet training.

Hello OP, I agree that if you can smile and nod then that's best. But in the case of her saying "FGS you are over-reacting" I would be explaining that where a baby's safety is concerned there is no such thing and it's rude to say FGS to someone.

A heavy dose of "I'm so grateful you take such an interest, but ultimately me and Dad will make the decisions" could help.... It's interesting isn't it because with a bio child you'd probably feel comfortable being blunt about it!

Whatever happens though it is YOUR baby and you can do what you want, regardless of a 9 y/o opinion!

Give yourself a break on finding her annoying though, you're also probably sleep deprived which doesn't help anything!