Don't want to do this anymore

Mothertess · 2023-02-16T11:28:49+00:00

Been with DH 8 years, he has 14 year old DSS who lives with us and we have 4 and 1 year old girls together. His son came to live with us when dd1 was 6 months old. Honestly I'm just not happy anymore, I really don't care for my stepson anymore, he's rude and unhelpful, he has a few chores but rarely does them or if he does not properly (think pots not cleaned properly) and I just can't do it anymore. I moved away from all my family to be with him 6 years ago and I don't want to uproot the children or quit my job and move back home but he won't leave. I've asked him to leave with dss, move out because I can't do it anymore and its not fair on his son having to live with me when I don't want them here but he says he won't move out and if I want to I can go but he won't let me take our girls. I can't afford to rent in this area, which is why I asked him to move out because it'll be easier for me to try and work more to cover the rent for the house we're in. I just don't know what to do anymore.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 11:31

Do you work? Have you looked at alternative housing and what benefits you’d be entitled to as a single mum? I’d get practical about next steps. You’re married? So you need to start the ball rolling on divorce and contact arrangements for your shared children can be sorted during that.

It sounds like it’s over and you’re making the right decision so write a list of what you need to do. Check how much child support you’ll get from him etc.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 16/02/2023 11:32

Who's name is the house in? If it's in both then legally he doesn't have to leave. In regards to your DSS, does he have any punishments when he's rude or not done what's been asked of him? If not then he needs consequences putting in place.
Is the marriage really over? Could you all sit down together and work out some ground rules for dss? It can't be nice for him living somewhere where he's not wanted maybe that's reflecting in his behaviour?

Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 11:37

Thank you for the replies.
Its hard to look at what benefits I'd be entitled to because I'm married but I will look at that. I can't afford a solicitor so how would I even begin divorce?

I work pt and the house is rented in both our names. I still love him very much but it's just not working anymore. I don't want to live with him and dss, and dh rightly wouldn't make him move back in with his mum so its hard. Not much punishment no, I've given suggests like take phone for weekend which will work once but then that's it. Dh is lazy round the house so dss takes it from him.

And my feelings towards him might well be making it worse. I've sat him and dh down before and said I need your help more now than ever, I can't run the home by myself nor should I have to but it never changes.

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Guavafish1 · 16/02/2023 11:48

I was in a similar situation.

My DSS came to live with me and my parent at 11 years old as his mother couldn't cope with his behaviour.

Honestly the have been testing 4 years... like you, he was rude, had an attitude, demanded money, never did the chores properly, making a mess etc etc ungrateful teen... ruining his chances of good GSCEs.

But thankfully, he has changed over past 6 month... like a totally different boy, now 15. He is much better and the mood/behaviour has improved.

I think, I know its hard... but maybe a bit patients... teen years are horrible and hopefully his behaviour improves with time. We thought if his behaviour didn't improve at 18, we would have asked him to leave the house.

Alternatively, as some have suggested separate from your husband if you've reached your limits.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 11:50

You can file for divorce yourself, I did and it’s very easy to do though it takes a bit of time. In terms of splitting assets like pensions, if relevant, and childcare arrangements your first step is mediation, barring abuse, and you’ll have to pay for it but it’s got to be done. If he won’t engage with mediation you need to find the money for a lawyer. Not having a house to divide makes things a bit easier but if he’s not going to engage you need paid for proper legal advice.

Guavafish1 · 16/02/2023 11:52

Sorry I just read your last post. I actually think you have a DH problem.

You need to be a team... he doesn't sound like he pulling his weight or setting his son a good example.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 11:58

Guavafish1 · 16/02/2023 11:52

Sorry I just read your last post. I actually think you have a DH problem.

You need to be a team... he doesn't sound like he pulling his weight or setting his son a good example.

She knows that. Hence wanting to leave him.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/02/2023 12:06

He's a teenage boy! Are you going to walk away from your girls when become obnoxious, know it all, lazy teenagers too?

Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 12:25

I definitely have a DH problem, but I also have a dss problem which I only have because of dh, so they both need to go.
And no when I have obnoxious teens I will be able to parent and discipline them. Dss has 2 parents, neither of which is me but I am the parent of my girls so I could tackle their behaviour better

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Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 12:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 11:50

You can file for divorce yourself, I did and it’s very easy to do though it takes a bit of time. In terms of splitting assets like pensions, if relevant, and childcare arrangements your first step is mediation, barring abuse, and you’ll have to pay for it but it’s got to be done. If he won’t engage with mediation you need to find the money for a lawyer. Not having a house to divide makes things a bit easier but if he’s not going to engage you need paid for proper legal advice.

Thank you! This is very helpful

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loopsaloo · 16/02/2023 12:30

Just wanted to say I feel your pain OP. We've just bought a house and I was completely railroaded into SD living here "for a short time".
She's 24. Feel like my house isn't mine anymore

AlisonDonut · 16/02/2023 12:32

Surely the options are:
Stay together
Leave and rent somewhere on your own
Stay and get him to leave

If the first is not going to be an option then he and you need to sit down and discuss which of the other two would be better. Could he afford to rent the house you are in and if so, just go rent somewhere that you can afford.

funinthesun19 · 16/02/2023 12:46

Are you the primary carer of your girls? Who does most for them? If it’s you then they should go wherever you go.

Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 14:00

Yes I'm the primary carer and I can't even afford a one bedroom flat here, I couldn't afford the rent but atleast I could apply for benefits etc. Dh could rent. He won't sit down and talk about it, I've tried for a couple of years now saying this isn't working and the most sensible action is them moving out but he doesn't take it seriously because I eventually drop it as I'm stuck here

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booboo82 · 16/02/2023 14:06

What are you going to do when your precious girls turn into rude and lazy teenagers ?

Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 14:14

booboo82 · 16/02/2023 14:06

What are you going to do when your precious girls turn into rude and lazy teenagers ?

Parent, teach and discipline them. Things I can't do as I'm not dss parent.

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aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2023 15:23

Could you afford somewhere suitable if you moved back to your support network, OP? Or somewhere else entirely.

I wouldn't be concerned about uprooting them at the ages they are.

funinthesun19 · 16/02/2023 16:19

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 14:00

Yes I'm the primary carer and I can't even afford a one bedroom flat here, I couldn't afford the rent but atleast I could apply for benefits etc. Dh could rent. He won't sit down and talk about it, I've tried for a couple of years now saying this isn't working and the most sensible action is them moving out but he doesn't take it seriously because I eventually drop it as I'm stuck here

Then you have the upper hand here. He can’t stop you from “taking his girls”. You are their primary carer, so wherever you go they go. He can’t use them to control your life. You shouldn’t have to stay trapped with him just because you share children with him. That’s a dangerous/manipulative/controlling game he’s trying to play.
Like another pp said, can you move closer to your support network?

Original poster

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 18:10

funinthesun19 · 16/02/2023 16:19

Then you have the upper hand here. He can’t stop you from “taking his girls”. You are their primary carer, so wherever you go they go. He can’t use them to control your life. You shouldn’t have to stay trapped with him just because you share children with him. That’s a dangerous/manipulative/controlling game he’s trying to play.
Like another pp said, can you move closer to your support network?

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I would have to move in with family until I could find somewhere to rent and move jobs etc I'd have to move dd1 school and hope I can transfer or find a new job. Its over 100 miles away from where we are which in all honesty is the only reason I haven't. I wouldn't want the girls to be that far from their dad unless they had to be but I think that will be the last resort.

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ijustneedanamefgs · 17/02/2023 20:21

Well then tell him those are your options. You don’t want to take the girls away and make it difficult, but if he won’t move out then you might have no option but to take them back to your parents.
He could take it to court to stop you, but you can say he wasn’t leaving you with any viable options. You are their primary carer so that will count

lookluv · 17/02/2023 20:45

What a competely messed up situation for everyone concerned.

I feel for your DH tbh. Yes he needs to step up but he is in position where whatever he does he loses - sends DS back to mum - end of relationship, doesn't send him and end of relationship with his daughters.

No wonder he does nothing and hopes for it all to blow over - as most things do with teens.

Sorry you do come across as my way or the high way

justgettingthroughtheday · 17/02/2023 21:04

lookluv · 17/02/2023 20:45

What a competely messed up situation for everyone concerned.

I feel for your DH tbh. Yes he needs to step up but he is in position where whatever he does he loses - sends DS back to mum - end of relationship, doesn't send him and end of relationship with his daughters.

No wonder he does nothing and hopes for it all to blow over - as most things do with teens.

Sorry you do come across as my way or the high way

What rot! The 'D'H has had plenty of opportunities to step up and parent his children properly! And to step up around the house!

And no it's not a choice between loosing his relationship with his son or his daughters. If he moved out and rented somewhere then he would still be able to have relationships with all of them as the OP wouldn't have to move back to live with family.

There is no poor 'D'H!!!

jemimapuddlepluck · 18/02/2023 10:37

Mothertess · 16/02/2023 18:10

I would have to move in with family until I could find somewhere to rent and move jobs etc I'd have to move dd1 school and hope I can transfer or find a new job. Its over 100 miles away from where we are which in all honesty is the only reason I haven't. I wouldn't want the girls to be that far from their dad unless they had to be but I think that will be the last resort.

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This is what you need to do. It is the only option really. Start looking for work in the area where you support network is. Build a life for your girls surrounded by family. You have to remain firm with their father that it can work, you will share travel etc. Living like you are now isn't fair on them.

beachcitygirl · 27/02/2023 12:08

Your poor poor dss.

Yes you need to divorce.

EnAttendantGodot · 27/02/2023 14:18

I think @Mothertess you might get more nuanced responses if you post this on either the adoption or fostering boards.

I know that the step children are your partner's children so it's not an adoption situation, but there are a lot of parallels:

the DSS were removed from their mother's care because of neglect/abuse
DSS have experienced trauma that they will need ongoing support with and may need different parenting styles to your joint children
complex dynamics with contact with DSS' mother

Unfortunately there is less support available for you than either a foster carer or adoptive parents I think, but there is a lot of knowledge over there about working with social services, therapeutic parenting etc.

Also - it sounds like you are very used to managing challenging behaviour in your work. It's ok to find it really hard to do that at home. It hits differently when it's your personal relationship being turned upside down than when you are supporting a young person professionally, no matter how much you care about them.

Before making any decisions about your work, I would join a union if you're not in one already. You can't access support for an existing/ongoing issue, but it sounds like they could be helpful in sorting out the best options with maternity leave and sick leave, and potentially with redoing your pregnancy risk assessment for the third trimester.