Struggling to bond with stepson

[Jessica1701]

I met my partner about a year ago and since have met his 2 year old son who he has full custody of. Since meeting him I have really struggled to loosen up around him and I sometimes feel really unsure of what to do or how to act, I don’t have any children of my own and I haven’t really been around children before so this is all very new to me. I really don’t know how to make that initial bond with him. I sometimes feel like me being around upsets him which is the last thing I want but at the same time what do I do with that? I’ve tried backing off the last few weeks but I feel like that’s making it worse, I don’t want to get into his space too much either incase he doesn’t like that

How often have you been seeing him? Have you been building up very slowly?

It’s good that you’re being cautious and thoughtful about this, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Totally normal to feel uncertain around children when you don’t have them yourself.

How have you been spending time with DP until now with the full custody? Does his ex have her son?

I’d take things very slowly and gradually. So maybe meet in the park and play, then lunch at home and then you leave them to it. So not whole days and night yet.

More than anything else, little children just love you playing with them. Join him on the floor with his toys and spend a good quality hour of imaginative play.

I have a toddler myself and still find other people’s toddlers a complete mystery, so don’t feel bad.

Definitely don’t force it. If you’re spending time at the house, maybe sit on the floor, relax and just watch what he’s playing with. Once you know what he’s interested in there might be a window for you to join in - or he might involve you (bring you pretend cup of tea etc).

Also don’t expect a “bond”. That takes a lot of time and familiarity. Your aim should just be him getting used your presence and getting used to his dad dividing his attention.

Because of his age, none of the dynamics of who you are in relation to him and his dad matter. You are another adult in his life.

Sit on the floor and fiddle/play with his toys, he will come to you.

Just be an extra person he can play with, learn the names of his favourite characters and try not to over think it.

Don't put pressure on yourself to bond with him.

I would just be around sometimes and be kind to him. Let the relationship develop at its own pace in its own way.

Precisely. A really uncomplicated age in that respect, don’t put so much pressure on yourself.