Possible eating disorder behaviuor - should I talk to mum?

[Eaterofcheese]

I post here regularly but have NC for this as I am pretty sure DSDs mum uses mumsnet and this could be identifying and I don't want her to link this to my other posts.

To preface this, there is a good chance that I am being overly cautious as I had a good friend who had anorexia in her teens and sadly passed away in her early 30s after a long battle with the disease. This has made me quite sensitive around eating disorders.

DSD is 14 and has recently started displaying some behaviours around food and exercise that I have been finding concerning.
She has gone from being a couch potato who would get the bus rather than walk for 10 minutes to someone who goes for a runs 3 - 4 times a week.
She has always been a bit of a fussy eater but this has gone into overdrive.
She has become a vegetarian and seems to suddenly dislike a lot of food that she used to happily eat.
Last time we ate out she tried to get away with just ordering a side salad (my husband wouldn't allow it and made her have a proper meal) and she generally declares herself full after eating half of what I would say was normal.
She has always been a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak (like my friend was) and this has recently got worse with regards to her school work.

She doesn't appear to have lost weight and is slender but definitely a healthy weight but I worried that she is on the beginning of some quite disordered eating. If I am right I don't think waiting til she has dropped a load of weight to intervene would be a good thing!

I have of course spoken to her dad about it. He says he is not worried at all but will monitor it (which means do nothing). I am not sure if I should speak to her mum with my concerns or if it would be seen as interfering. We are cordial when we see each other but I have very little contact with her so it would be unusual for me to message her or invite her somewhere for chat about it.

I don't know what to do for the best, has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this?

It sounds like you don’t know her mum that well, so I wouldn’t approach her.

Can you ask DH to mention it to his ex?

I would mention it to her school

I would get DH to flag to the ex, maybe the school.

Are you close enough with DSD that you could have a chat and see how she's feeling about her body in general? Remind her that the photos on social media magazine are heavily edited?

Get your DH to talk to his ex and her school so they too can monitor her.

Remind him that he and his ex have a duty to monitor his child's phone and other electronic devices as she isn't 16, and not doing so is neglectful. In other words he needs to find out what she is looking at on social media.

Point out to him the algorithms mean that if she is looking at one influencer who is into health and fitness she will end up being shown more, and unfortunately some of them have eating disorders.

Also if she is suddenly into running she should be encouraged to try out different sports with coaches. Yes it will mean him ferrying her to the first few sessions. Obviously stay away from running but lots of sports you can start as a teen or later require you to eat to have the strength to last a training session.

I agree I would ask DH to speak to her mum about it. I think your right to be aware early on if there is an issue.

Does she speak to you about her exercise. Could you ask some general open questions and see what kind of responses she gives? I guess she could have just decided to go on a health kick. But yes if she says worrying things too it would help understand why she has changed eating behaviours

The running in itself isn't worrying, in that respect I'd be please she's doing some exercise. I went from someone who avoided sport at school and all my life to someone who runs 5/6 times a week when I hit 40. Exercise is good for you and is a great stress reliever, which as a fellow perfectionist with a stressful job is the main reason I do it.

Was there anything vegetarian that she likes aside from the salad on the menu. I'm vegan and sometimes salad is my only option in bad restaurants (rare now but still occasionally happens).

What does she eat at home? What was her diet like before? I'd tread carefully with the mum, probably better for dad to speak to her if you aren't close. Monitor her intake quietly, if she's just decided to make healthier choices but is eating a good amount that might not be a bad thing necessarily. If she's not eating enough to sustain herself, sleeps a lot or makes excuses for not eating (said she ate while she was out but seems unlikely) then you need to address it.

Eating disorders are often about having control rather than weight, that's a side issue. My eldest had a short phase in her early teens, restrictive eating and she was already very slim which is just her build. She ended up under cahms which in hindsight made things worse, they were trying to force her to eat huge meals and be bigger than she had ever naturally been. Also she was surrounded by other anorexic girls in the waiting room and it became a competition to be the thinnest. Cahms also wouldn't accept that she was someone who liked to eat little and often naturally rather than 3 big meals a day. I ended up taking her out of cahms and within weeks she was eating normally again.

There is nothing wrong with running, no need to force her into other sport if she enjoys running.

At this stage as someone who had an ED don't tell the school. What do you expect them to do? Monitor at home for a while and your partner should def speak to the mum.

IME the earlier these things are nipped in the bud the better, early intervention is key before an ED becomes deeply entrenched. Regardless of your relationship with her mother I would mention it so that everyone is on board. But not to make it a big deal, just work together to ensure she's eating, big up the importance of food as energy that our bodies need, especially if exercising. Don't talk about good/bad food etc etc Don't talk diets, model a healthy attitude to food yourselves and monitor her social media.
Going vegetarian is one of many tactics teenage girls use to start restricting what they eat - I'm not saying every veggie has an ED.
You might get more help on the teenage ED pages.

Don't go over DHs head. If he's said he'll keep and eye on it let him worry about it. Talking to her mum you don't speak to often will just look like interfering and as if her dad can't look after his own DD. If DH is concerned he can speak to her mum.

I think you might be over thinking things a bit and on high alert because if what happened to your friend. My all means keep an eye on it but honestly I'd be more concerned about a 14 being a couch potato than going for a run a few times a week. Just shows the state of the world we live in when exercising and eating a salad is cause for concern.

I was probably about 14 when I became more aware about looking after my body. We'd just learned about saturated fat and cholesterol at school so if I felt what my mum had made for dinner was unhealthy I'd make my own dinner.

I'm vegan, and like someone said above, it's can be difficult to find veggie options at restaurants. Restaurants are getting better though. Why not book a vegan/vegetarian restaurant next time you eat out. Show a bit of support for her lifestyle choice. Maybe buy a few veggie cook books and cook veggie meals together as a family. Get DSD involved.

If she is running 3/4 times a week she will need more calories and this in itself can be damaging if she isn’t getting them . I like other posters would have another chat to DH

Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate them.

I am at work and about to go into a meeting so but I wlll address individual comments later on

google the Female Athlete Triad and Red-S .. both could be a concern and information to share with DH

Remind him that he and his ex have a duty to monitor his child's phone and other electronic devices as she isn't 16, and not doing so is neglectful.

Citation for this?

Can you ask DH to mention it to his ex?
I have done but he isn't worried so I don't think he will.

I would mention it to her school
I don't think this would go down well with anyone and I have nothing to do with her school. Her school have no idea who I am!

Are you close enough with DSD that you could have a chat and see how she's feeling about her body in general?
Yes we are pretty close. She has got more self-conscious, will agonize over what to wear and getting her hair right but I am not sure if this is more than a normal girl of her age. I used to do this too and have never struggled with eating.

Also if she is suddenly into running she should be encouraged to try out different sports with coaches.
She's never really shown an interest in sport but we'd definitely take her if she did. In the past my husband has tried to get her to try out some local girls sports teams but she has always point blank refused. This is why the running seems odd.

Was there anything vegetarian that she likes aside from the salad on the menu.

Yes, we were at a Italian place and she loves pizza. There were loads of veggie pizzas and pastas there which is why we chose the place as she normally loves stuff like that.

Going vegetarian is one of many tactics teenage girls use to start restricting what they eat -
Yup, this is exactly what my friend did. The veggie thing on its own would be fine but she's also eating less and says she doesn't like things she used to.

honestly I'd be more concerned about a 14 being a couch potato than going for a run a few times a week.
Yes I agree but it's with the other things too. I feel there's been a change in her that I can't quite put my finger on.

Just shows the state of the world we live in when exercising and eating a salad is cause for concern.
To clarify it wasn't salad a that was a meal but a side salad - a small plate of leaves and tomatoes. I wouldn't be concerned if she was eating a proper salad meal. And this was in a place with loads of veggie options that she likes that we booked with her in mind. We wouldn't take her to a steak house or anything like that.

Thank you @Drizzlepeacefully I will look these up.