Child-free step-parent?

[greydon]

I have been with DP for five years. He had DSD7 from a previous relationship, unplanned. He has always said he is happy to have children with me, but won't be upset if we don't.

Last year we had a very traumatic time surrounding a miscarriage. Since then, my relationship with DSD has changed. I used to feel like I loved her like my own, I was very involved with her and really wanted to be a parent. I now don't really feel love towards DSD. She's sweet and I'm always proud of her and enjoy looking after her. But I definitely don't get the rush of love that I used to.

Now I'm not sure if I even want a child of my own. When I think about having a child, I worry about regretting it. I've had trauma therapy, DP and I had some couples counselling also. I initially really struggled to get over the miscarriage. I don't want to go through that again, maybe I would feel guilty having another pregnancy after the previous one didn't work out.

Any child-free step-parents out there know how it feels? Are you glad you decided not to have any of your own?

I never wanted children of my own.

I have 2 SC (now 14 & 17). I have known them for 9 years.

Having been in their lives for 9 years and seeing what a thankless task having children is - I have no regrets whatsoever about having children.

I had five years of failed IVF. The stress and trauma made us split. Some years later I met DH and his two children. Having been part of their lives and seeing their pretty awful behaviours I have zero regrets! I would like to think any child of mine would have been given more direction to become a more likeable individual than they have, but my experience has turned my decision around.

I always say I love my DSD as my own but the truth is I don't really know what having my own feels like and people always say there's no love like the love you have for your own child. Could it be that the love you felt for the baby you miscarried was so significant that it now feels like you don't love DSD at all?

I never wanted my own children. I have 3 DSCs and we have them 50%. I love being a stepmum and unlike a lot of step-parents I don't find it a thankless task. As much as I enjoy step-parenting, I am glad that DH and I get 50% of the time to ourselves. We have the best of both worlds really.

DSD was 3 when I met her so out of the baby stage. I've babysat my nephews as babies and had a taste of the sleepless nights, trying to work out why they're crying etc. I babysat an 8 month old foster child for a day for my parents due to an emergency. He was a lovely and contented baby but I found the whole day pretty boring. I think the baby stage would drive me insane.

I know they're not babies for long but I feel like your life is never truly your own after kids and I enjoy my independence too much to give it up. I know I'd be the type of parent to constantly worry and overthink things as I do that with my DSCs. But I get a break from all that when they're at their mums (to a certain extent).

I have a couple of friends who are step parents but haven't had children of their own.
The male friend I have spoken to about this as it came up in conversation, he's gone into this with no illusions of having children - his wife is older than him and was not interested in having more kids. They seem very well suited and happy.
My other friend is female and it's never come up in conversation so I don't know how she feels. She was a very good SM and they got on very well. SD now lives in another country and is an adult with kids of her own. Friend has also recently split with her husband and is too old to have a baby now. I hope she doesn't regret her choices as a younger person as she's now left without husband or children. She's not tragic or sad though, she's getting on with her life and has lots of friends and a good job. But I do wonder if she has thoughts about this.

It's interesting, my love for DSD has been a slow decline. Maybe the trauma of losing a baby, I wanted to make sure I appreciated what I did have and tried to lean into having the luxury of being a 'part-time parent'. But now, the connection is gone. She's like a friend's child to me now, emotionally. I don't miss her when she goes to her mums anymore, like I used to.

The worry about not wanting my own has been a sudden feeling over the last couple of weeks. I've been setting my life up to get ready for TTC, but then I have this niggling feeling that I had a lucky escape and not to waste it.

I feel like at this point, I'd rather have the life your female friend has one day, than being left anyway and having to look after kids alone with half ties to other children and families. I hope she is happy and doesn't have any regrets.

I have 2 DSC myself. I also had a miscarriage and it did make me think that I couldn't actually stay with DH and the kids if I couldn't have a baby. It wasn't 'enough'.
We were lucky to go on and have DD and I think it made me a better SM too and we all became more of a family.
It's a hard choice and if your loss is quite recent I would give yourself time to come to terms with that first 💐

Thank you @Beamur .
I was thinking about TTC in July but I will leave it another six months and see how I feel. I thought I'd be more equipped to try again over a year later, but it seems not.

You describing not missing your dsd when she's at her mum's is how I feel about my own children now, they are young adults, I love them but when they are elsewhere I don't miss them, and that's fine - I value my own space

I can see that making sense as they grow up. However, this has changed in the last year and DSD is only seven. It seems a bit early to lose those feelings doesn't it?

When did you stop missing your children when they weren't around?

My feelings towards my step kids changed when I had my own. A step child, no matter how much you love them, is not yours. They always have another parent outside of your family unit. I didn't ever have a "mum" role with my step kids, I didn't need to, they have a mum. But I thought the relationship I had with them was like that of a parent. Because I had nothing to compare it to.
Then I had my own baby and realised that being involved in parenting someone else's child is not the same at all. It's a very poor second.

And even though you lost your baby I guess you had that same feeling of becoming a complete parent (with your partner) to your very own child.

So I think your changing feelings towards your step child are completely normal and understandable.

Whether you should go on and have a child of your own, I don't know about that. I have 3, all younger than my step kids.

When did you stop missing your children when they weren't around?

And to answer this part of your question, I'm lucky that my parents often have our kids overnight and even when they were as young as 2 or 3 I enjoyed every minute of the time they were away.

I was glad to have them home, but I wasn't sitting around pining for them when they were gone.

That's really interesting, thank you for your input @User4873628 . Neither of us have parents nearby so it would be going from childcare being 50% of the time to 100%. That's a bit daunting in itself. I used to be sad about sharing DSD, now I'm relieved when she goes to her mum's.

I feel a bit more normal now, as a step-parent I'd always aspire to loving her like my own and it was so easy to before. Now it's gone I feel guilt.

Not quite the same but when me and dh got together, he had children from a previous relationship and I had one. I thought I didn’t want any more and was content with it. Then a few years after we married I had a moment of thinking I’d like another and stopped taking my pill. Got pregnant straight away but had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. After that I really resented the step children having siblings and my child not having anyone related to her. I was so dissatisfied with our whole family dynamic. I think miscarriages can make any inkling for children go crazy and do affect relationships with non bio children.
What makes you feel like you’ll have another miscarriage? Miscarriages are very sad but they’re very common too

@Eatentoomanyroses did you try again after your miscarriage? I'm sorry to hear that. Mine was at 12 weeks so I understand the loss. How long were you planning on trying for one together before you came off of the pill?

I don't think I've got a fear of another miscarriage, more worried that if I have a child of my own, that I'd regret it.

I hope you don't mind input from a step parent who does have kids but I would strongly advise against basing any decisions about having DC on how you feel towards your DSC.

IME, having your own kids can be thankless in some ways but it's far more balanced out by the love you feel, and I wouldn't want to be without them for more than a few days, whereas being WITH my DSC for that length is a challenge.

It sounds to me like you were expecting to love your DSC like your own and therefore you're worried that because you don't love her or want her around all the time, you'd feel that way about your own DC. But that's really very unlikely - most people don't feel the same way about their DSC.

@greydon we didn’t really plan it. I just suddenly decided I’d quite like another baby so stopped taking my pill. DH had always been open to it. After we lost that one at 11 weeks I just started trying straight away and got pregnant the next cycle. She’s building a tower out of the contents of the kitchen cupboards as we speak!

@aSofaNearYou is right. It’s quite uncommon to love step kids like you’re own. The love I have for my own two is a totally different thing.

@aSofaNearYou of course I value your input. Thank you. That does make me feel better actually.

@Eatentoomanyroses oh that's nice that you had a happy ending!

I think that is my main worry. Having one of my own and wishing I hadn't or not loving them like I was hoping to. I've had lots of family members die over the last two years and it makes you want to do life 'right' if you know what I mean. I don't want to regret anything, obviously that's wishful thinking, but I'd like to minimise regrets if I can!

@greydon so I'm not quite in the same boat as I have Dc of my own and one joint along with one SDC. So I chose to have a baby with DH.

But firstly I'm so sorry over the loss of your baby 💐

I did lose my first baby (I won't go into details) and I can say that trauma isn't a linear line. I remember feeling guilty that maybe I was replacing my son for falling pregnant again and in some way felt guilty. I felt guilty the whole time I was pregnant with Dd. Had I done the right thing ? I was terrified of the same happening again so avoiding it was my way of protecting my heart for a while.

I said this to my MW and she said grief shows up in weird ways and it's not all sadness being the front emotion. She said when Dd was here I would love her as equally as I did my son and she was right. Your heart doesn't have a limited capacity for love.

I do love my DSC but not in the same way I do my DC and that's ok. Love comes in different forms, it grows with each child.

I didn't regret my Dc at all but I remember feeling very conflicted. Also as children grow you may find that you don't miss as much (with biologic children or any other) because the cute phase goes and their problems get harder to solve.

We can't tell you what's right or wrong for you. But a lot of what you described is really normal.

Please be gentle with yourself ❤️

@greydon sorry for the loss of your baby
I'm a sm to 3 & have one of my own (with my exh) & I too will say that what you are feeling is very, very normal so please ease up on yourself with regards to that. All sdc really needs is for you to be kind to her, she doesn't need you to love her like your own
Despite the miscarriage you now know what it feels like to be a biological parent & there's no comparison to being a stepparent.
Having dc in a blended situation is however, (imo) extremely difficult. Having children is hard anyway, but as a pp said upthread it's offset by the love you feel. I did get pregnant (with dh) a number of years ago but like you it ended in miscarriage. After that I chose not to get pregnant again as on reflection I saw that if I had a child with dh I would literally get left holding the baby as his dc are so demanding & dh is so ruled by them emotionally. I could see a situation developing whereby he would continually prioritise his first dc and new dc would be sidelined. In his head this would make sense as new dc would have me who he (& people in general) sees to be very strong & capable whereas the narrative he tells himself is that his first dc are the poor, beleaguered children of divorce (totally doesn't see that my dd is also a poor, beleaguered child of divorce ) with a troublesome dm!
Again, as a pp has said don't let your (very normal) feelings regarding dsc determine how you feel about TTC, but I would look at the wider context of how your family is set up. Does dp support you/have your back in all things? Has he the ability to assess situations laterally or is he quite tunnel visioned? How are relations with dsc's mum? Are she and dp civil to each other? Is she generally supportive of what goes on in your household? Do she & dp tackle any behavioural issues together? Are they on the same page regarding behaviour etc.? All these things really do matter.
You never know peace again once you've had a child, and while many parents have moments of wishing they'd remained child free (another pretty common emotion), very few really regret it. However, I will say that who you have children with is imo a very big factor.
I think you're right to give yourself more time between now & TTC. I would also say that counselling (if you're not already doing it) might be a good idea. If you're feeling not quite right about TTC again it might be worth trying to get to the bottom of why; as in are you genuinely concerned about becoming a parent in general, or is there something deeper in your family set up making you wary of bringing a baby into the dynamic?

The therapy certainly helped.

I do worry that DSD won't like me for having a child with her dad. Her mum has a baby and she's happy about that, but it's different when it's mum, isn't it? She is with us 50% of the time, so it's not like Dad's going off and starting a new family.

I've mentioned to DP that I'm worried about how DSD will react, but he said we need to give her room to react in any way she needs to, he's right. If she's unhappy, we can't changed that, just support her. That's a stressful prospect but he's told me not to stress about it until we know how she feels.

@greydon tbf - most kids in nuclear families aren't thrilled at having a sibling at first either iMO it's not a step related issue really . It's really child dependent if the child gets upset or not

That said with reassurance and being open about emotions most kids get there in the end. Don't base your plans on ttc a on child who will likely have a different opinion depending on mood each day of the week.

Surely only people who don't actually have dc of their own see it as a thankless task though? I don't know any actual parents that feel this way.