Page 2 | Step daughter suddenly dislikes me

Chunkychips23 · 2023-02-09T18:11:07+00:00

My partner and I have been together for nearly 5yrs and he has three children from a previous relationship. (f-14, m-16, m-20) I’ve always got on well with the kids, particularly the youngest (f-14) and the eldest (m-20) - the middle child is very difficult with his parents & grandparents, so we’ve never really become close, but I’ll always try with him. He’s not a bad kid, just has some behavioural issues. My SD and I have always had a close relationship, up until my partner and I relocated 45miles and bought a house so he could finally be closer to them. (They’ve always come over to our house twice a week, with no issues up until recently) My SD now barely speaks to me and will go out of her way to let me know I am not welcome in my own home. I’ve always ensured that she and my partner had plenty of father-daughter time and make sure to not intrude on that. I actively encourage him to do activities that’s just the two of them and make sure he gives her that time and attention. Ill walk into my living room and she’ll immediately stop talking and will start glaring at me. Or she’ll start clinging to her Dad or interrupt any conversation we’re having. If my partner doesn’t react to that, she’ll start sulking or will storm off to her room in tears. We got engaged last summer and I asked her to be my bridesmaid to make sure she felt included. I’m wondering if this is what has triggered this? My own stepmother went out of her way to damage my relationship with my father and he chose her. I don’t ever want my stepdaughter to feel that way, she will and should always come first for my partner. I’m not sure what has happened here - has anyone been through something similar and how did you fix it? Thank you x

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 10/02/2023 14:43

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/02/2023 13:01

I think she is very fortunate to have such a kind, rational and reasonable step mother. I hope she will come to realise that, as well.

Just a suggestion : are you sure she wants to be a bridesmaid? It’s almost like asking her to give her Dad away, formally, to another wife. I know that it is the fashion, but maybe she would be happier as a top table guest? Will your step sons be attending? Perhaps she could do what they are doing, and be with them, included but not centre stage.

worth asking her, perhaps. I wish you a happy marriage.

I did a bridesmaid proposal scratch off card for her, which DP gave to her when I wasn’t there. This was so wouldn’t feel like she had to say yes to me because I was there. I’ll ask my partner to speak to her again about it to make sure she’s happy and comfortable.

Another of my bridesmaids is my stepsister, who is the same age (I don’t have much interaction with my father or stepmother, which was their personal choice - for reference, my SM is only a few years older than me) who is keen to be involved, so it won’t just be her as the only child in the bridal party.

The boys are ushers and the eldest has voiced his excitement about it. The middle child currently communicates in grunts, but asked if he could be in charge of some things for the day. (Which is brilliant)

The kids don’t want to sit on the top table with us, they want to sit with their cousins. It will be a rare occasion where they’re all under one roof together, so completely understand that.

If SD doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid, we can definitely find another role for her at the wedding in the grooms party for sure :)

OP posts:

Nooyoiknooyoik · 10/02/2023 14:52

You sound lovely OP and she is lucky to have you in her life.
Bear in mind that being a teen she’s torn between wanting to pull away from her parents and being terrified of losing them all at the same time. I’m thinking she does actually care about you a lot and includes you in her head as her “parent”. So she feels free to act up with you - but it can feel more loaded than if you were her biological parent. Stay calm. Keep showing her that you care and that her dad will always love her. Don’t let this phase ruin what you have. She’ll grow out of it in time.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 10/02/2023 14:53

She must also be very worried that you will have a baby which you and her dad will prefer to her.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 11/02/2023 18:10

Update:

DP took her out for lunch today and had a chat with her about everything. It sounds like another adult has been feeding her ‘what ifs’ and she’d become anxious and worried. DP reassured her nobody is pushing her out and I see her as family too and very much want her to be involved.

After they had lunch, they came over - it was a little bit awkward at first, but as someone advised, i just kept chat light and friendly. By the end she was chatting away to me like old times and asked if she could wedding cake tasting and dress shopping with me :)

I just want to thank all of you for your much needed advice and guidance with this. I know there is still more work to do and SD will need lots more reassurance as time goes on, but it was a really positive start x

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 11/02/2023 18:49

@Chunkychips23 ahhh that's a lovely update op.

Obviously not the other adult part but I'm glad you have gotten it sorted. And if it helps when she's a adult she will see what this other adult did with a adult lens. That person may have been pleased she has caused issues. But I put money on it won't be when DSC realises the full extent what that person did and the motives behind it. What goes around comes around !

Hope all settled down and I'm glad it's ironed out ! Xx

HeckyPeck · 12/02/2023 20:51

That's a lovely update OP.

Hopefully your DP can see how the chats helped and keep them going.

Fifi00 · 12/02/2023 22:12

Speaking from SDs point of view my DF got married to my SM after 15 years together, I'm in my late 20s. All her family were on the top table. I go round all her family are mostly there , he keeps saying I'm always here to talk but his wife is always there or her family. I do actually like her but I have distanced myself a bit from DF to be honest. I like SM but she's not my parent I don't want to have really intimate chats. They can't have anymore DC if I was a teen I might have been more hormonal and cankerous about it.

The family dynamic is changing and everyone has to get their heads round it. She will come round.

Original poster

Chunkychips23 · 13/02/2023 07:19

Fifi00 · 12/02/2023 22:12

Speaking from SDs point of view my DF got married to my SM after 15 years together, I'm in my late 20s. All her family were on the top table. I go round all her family are mostly there , he keeps saying I'm always here to talk but his wife is always there or her family. I do actually like her but I have distanced myself a bit from DF to be honest. I like SM but she's not my parent I don't want to have really intimate chats. They can't have anymore DC if I was a teen I might have been more hormonal and cankerous about it.

The family dynamic is changing and everyone has to get their heads round it. She will come round.

Oh I totally get that. My DF married my SM when I was in my early twenties (they met when I was late teens and she made it clear from the start I wasn’t welcome) I was very much excluded from their wedding and my SM made it very clear I wasn’t wanted as part of her family. From having me sat at the back of the room on a table with one other person at the reception, none of her guests knowing that I was even DF’s daughter to not allowing me in any of the family photos. She also booked up all the only B&B rooms for her family and friends (they married at home, which is in a remote area) so I had to sleep in a tiny caravan with a door that didn’t shut in -2 degrees, she also locked the door of the house so I couldn’t use the toilet and had to wee in the field.

As I’ve been there I’m very conscious of not letting my SD ever feel like an outsider or pushed aside because of her DF’s relationship with myself. My own DF doesn’t have much of a relationship with me, my SM is always there when he calls or the rare times he will meet up with me, she’ll come too. It’s why I make sure my DP and SD have alone time together - I’ve encouraged him to find something that’s just theirs too, like an activity or even a weekly lunch date at her favourite restaurant

OP posts:

Fifi00 · 13/02/2023 09:57

Chunkychips23 · 13/02/2023 07:19

Oh I totally get that. My DF married my SM when I was in my early twenties (they met when I was late teens and she made it clear from the start I wasn’t welcome) I was very much excluded from their wedding and my SM made it very clear I wasn’t wanted as part of her family. From having me sat at the back of the room on a table with one other person at the reception, none of her guests knowing that I was even DF’s daughter to not allowing me in any of the family photos. She also booked up all the only B&B rooms for her family and friends (they married at home, which is in a remote area) so I had to sleep in a tiny caravan with a door that didn’t shut in -2 degrees, she also locked the door of the house so I couldn’t use the toilet and had to wee in the field.

As I’ve been there I’m very conscious of not letting my SD ever feel like an outsider or pushed aside because of her DF’s relationship with myself. My own DF doesn’t have much of a relationship with me, my SM is always there when he calls or the rare times he will meet up with me, she’ll come too. It’s why I make sure my DP and SD have alone time together - I’ve encouraged him to find something that’s just theirs too, like an activity or even a weekly lunch date at her favourite restaurant

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You sound like a lovely woman , I think when things become clear that nothing is going to change and she still will have independent visits sometimes with her DF all be well. Good luck for your wedding and I wish you a happy marriage 💐💐

SandyY2K · 14/02/2023 00:30

OP, what a shame your dad allowed your SM to treat you so horribly. Sleeping in a caravan in the freezing cold and locking the door! She sounds like a witch. Your last post was sad to read.

Sadly, they're seen to be a fair number of dads who let the second wife push his kids away. I don't even know if they see how manipulative these women are.

It's jealousy and insecurity.

You on the other hand, sounds like a really caring and kind person.

Good luck with the wedding.

KeeperSweeper · 15/03/2023 07:05

I would say, stop placating her poor behavior while your DP refuses to parent her! He should have knocked this on the head ages ago with a firm and frank conversation. He needs to teach her to communicate her feelings in a healthy way.

KeeperSweeper · 15/03/2023 07:10

Chunkychips23 · 11/02/2023 18:10

Update:

DP took her out for lunch today and had a chat with her about everything. It sounds like another adult has been feeding her ‘what ifs’ and she’d become anxious and worried. DP reassured her nobody is pushing her out and I see her as family too and very much want her to be involved.

After they had lunch, they came over - it was a little bit awkward at first, but as someone advised, i just kept chat light and friendly. By the end she was chatting away to me like old times and asked if she could wedding cake tasting and dress shopping with me :)

I just want to thank all of you for your much needed advice and guidance with this. I know there is still more work to do and SD will need lots more reassurance as time goes on, but it was a really positive start x

Sorry missed this - thank goodness he actually addressed this! Hopefully he will continue to actually engage with and talk about her feelings and behavior honestly now, rather than avoiding it! It seems he has dealt with this well in the end. It was never an issue with you in the first place.