Step daughter suddenly dislikes me

[Chunkychips23]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 5yrs and he has three children from a previous relationship. (f-14, m-16, m-20)

I’ve always got on well with the kids, particularly the youngest (f-14) and the eldest (m-20) - the middle child is very difficult with his parents & grandparents, so we’ve never really become close, but I’ll always try with him. He’s not a bad kid, just has some behavioural issues.

My SD and I have always had a close relationship, up until my partner and I relocated 45miles and bought a house so he could finally be closer to them. (They’ve always come over to our house twice a week, with no issues up until recently)

My SD now barely speaks to me and will go out of her way to let me know I am not welcome in my own home. I’ve always ensured that she and my partner had plenty of father-daughter time and make sure to not intrude on that. I actively encourage him to do activities that’s just the two of them and make sure he gives her that time and attention.

Ill walk into my living room and she’ll immediately stop talking and will start glaring at me. Or she’ll start clinging to her Dad or interrupt any conversation we’re having. If my partner doesn’t react to that, she’ll start sulking or will storm off to her room in tears.

We got engaged last summer and I asked her to be my bridesmaid to make sure she felt included. I’m wondering if this is what has triggered this?

My own stepmother went out of her way to damage my relationship with my father and he chose her. I don’t ever want my stepdaughter to feel that way, she will and should always come first for my partner.

I’m not sure what has happened here - has anyone been through something similar and how did you fix it?

Thank you x

@Chunkychips23 firstly read the book stepmonster- incredibly helpful.

It sounds like she didn't consider you permanent until you bought a house with her dad and got engaged. Now she has to face the fact her parents won't ever get back together.

That for a teen is a lot and add hormones into it can come out in interesting ways.

Have you tried to have a chat with her ? What about DP or mum ? (If things are friendly with mum) has anyone actually said you have been doing x to chunky, why are you doing this ? What's going on you got on with that ?

Also when that behaviour happens call it out politely at every time as not ok. Because it is your house and no amount of guilt because the first families separated should allow this type of behaviour to continue.

Thing is iMO anyway. Blended families go badly when one side plays the pick me dance. This doesn't happen in nuclear families and actually in a health dynamic it doesn't happen in blended families.
And in-between all these females arguing is some man who says he has no idea and feels pushed and pulled but actually he is the lych pin to it.

That’s a really good point actually - I hadn’t thought that she may not have seen this as being permanent. DP and his ex have been divorced for 12yrs and he has had another gf in the past, but she wasn’t involved much with the children.

Her mum hasn’t wanted to meet me. I offered when DP and I moved in together, as I thought she might feel more comfortable knowing who was around her children, but she said no. The door will always remain open though. She’s very indifferent about me, so I’ve not pushed it.

DP isn’t keen on addressing issues with the children. He has them 2 nights a week and says he doesn’t want to spend that time arguing with them. Completely understand his viewpoint, but it’s at the point now where he can’t discipline them and they just don’t listen to him.

A few weeks ago I engaged SD with some baking, which she loves and it was almost back to old times (her eye rolling her Dad when he dared try and get involved haha) The following week she was back to showing her annoyance at my presence, so I stayed out of the way.

The last thing I’d ever want is for her to feel insecure or pushed out because her Dad and I are marrying. She’s very important to me and I do love her dearly.

My DP says I shouldn’t speak to her and just let it play out, but without reassurance I worry that it could get worse

Your husband gives the worst advice in the world. He's an ostrich!

Could you speak to her on your own one day and tell her about your own experience of having a step parent, and say you've noticed a change and wonder whether you've done something to upset her?

Hmm, I agree with previous poster. The house and marriage are probably triggering.

I am sorry but the fact your partner is willing to not engage nor actively engage with her on this issue isn't a great indication of his respect for you.

He should be raising it and supporting her in the adjustment.

Gosh your partner is making the biggest mistake in the separated parents book of not actually parenting his children, it’s about fear and guilt but it’s won’t help them grow or your family dynamic. Your partner and you need to talk to her and find out how she is and why she is acting out her feelings, help her identify what she’s feeling. Ignoring this isn’t healthy or helpful for her or you or your relationship.

I think this is a nice idea. Also good to remember that she is 14 and right in the thick of hormones. She might also be testing your love to see if it will still be there even if she’s horrid.

@Chunkychips23 so as with most issues on here.

You have a DP issue imo. I know that's hard to square with your own experience as a step child. I get that. I really get that.
The narrative of a evil step mum does seem to abdicate dads esp from any parental responsibility as they have a handy person to blame.

But he's actually trying to shut down communication between you and DSD. Which is concerning . And he's refusing to parent and actually parenting means communicating and setting appropriate boundaries- because he's creating by his silence a pick me environment.
Your dsd must feel v silenced as I assume you do, both silenced by the man who doesn't want to deal... not Brillant tbh

It could be mums influencing here - and she may have put her dd in a loyalty bind (have a Google) even unintentionally.

I would bugger off what DH said and talk to DSD. It's not to late but if not nipped in the bud, this may grow legs.

I had similar with my SD when DH and I got engaged, and it got worse when we got married.

She was initially excited about us getting married and her being bridesmaid. But as time went on there was a lot of up and downs.
On the wedding day she really played up, it was totally unexpected, behaviour you’d expect from a toddler.
DH pulled her up on it after the wedding, told her she had upset us and that she had to apologise. Her behaviour carried on and the more she could see it caused issues between me & DH the more it seemed to happen, because he didn’t want to tell her off all the time (like your DP he didn't want to fall out with her when he had limited time with her).
A few months later she made a nasty comment to me that DH would leave me, it really upset me (with everything else that had happened) and DH was furious with her and put her straight.
Things eased a bit after that, but she’s still had some appealing behaviour and plenty of drama. But at least there’s some nice times again now.

Your DP really does need to address her behaviour and not ignore it. Of course it can be hard for children to accept their parents moving on, and you have to be empathetic of that and offer some support, but they can’t be allowed to make you feel like crap in your own home.
Feel free to see my posts about how difficult I have had it, or many other step-mums, when the child steps up their antics and your DP/DH still wants to be Disney dad rather than set boundaries.

Good luck OP 💐

I only have boys but I know all my nieces had problems with their mums around this age so it could just be an age thing and you are just easy pickings.
Talk to her for sure, reassure her, but don’t play into it too much. Do not let her make you uncomfortable in your own house or let her walk over you. She’s acting like a bit of a brat, as many teenagers do, but it’s the parents job to have lines she knows not to cross and you need to be respected. Neither you nor her dad are doing her any favours. Just act normal around her, pull her up if she needs it, and hopefully she’ll go back to normal soon.

Is it possible that the daughter might think that the engagement and the purchase of the new house might signal something even more alarming than you becoming a permanent fixture? She may fear that her father may have more children. She might no longer be his only daughter.

I think that for some kids girlfriends come and go; they are not a serious threat. They may even be fun sometimes.

Not many 14 year olds are enthused about the prospect of their parent having more children particularly when their parent already has 3 kids.

You may just want to let her ride out her teen angst and misery and hope that she comes out better on the other side.

I have experience from the other side that might help:

I have a lovely stepmum who I liked as soon as I met, but I really struggled in the run up to her marrying my dad.

I don’t think I understood my feelings at the time, but I think I probably felt a bit insecure and unsure on whether it would change my place in my dad’s life (I was also really worried they would have a baby but it turns out that was never on the table).

My stepmum just kept treating me normally and my dad took me out for a couple of heart to hearts where he reassured me that they both loved me. He made sure I knew I could talk to him about my feelings without judgement but that I couldn’t be rude to my stepmum because she had done nothing wrong.

By the time they got married we were pretty much back to normal and still have a lovely relationship now.

I wonder if it might be a combination of her age and that with the upcoming marriage she might be pushing back against more overt authority from you (assumed or real). Especially if her dad has opted out of any form of disciplining. It's a difficult line to tread because you have a right to enforce authority as its your home but I'd be careful of assuming a mum role, even in a benign way.

It might just be a typical teenage thing. They can be full of drama at that age! You sound like a wonderful stepmum, caring about her and empathising with her perspective and vowing to not come between her relationship with her dad. Of course it's hurtful for her to ignore you, etc., but I would just try to be consistently kind and ride out the teenage storm. If you can talk to her, great, but she may not be comfortable talking, so just be consistent and try not to get too caught up in the drama.

I would think she's worried about you and her dad creating your own little family unit and she's being pushed out.
I would keep love bombing her.

Definitely your DSDs age is significant here, added to which she is undoubtedly conflicted about you being on the scene, it's just come out more prominently now. Every child whose parents have split up wish they were back together again, and your presence no matter how positive is just a confirmation those days will never return.

having been a step-child, the negative feelings came out super-strong between the ages of 15-20, not least of all I had a step-sister vying for my father's attention, after which I left home and over the years I got my head round the situation but it took a very long time.

My parents split up when I was 6 and my mum got with dsdad when I was 8. They didn't actually marry until I was in my 30s and had my own dc. Them getting married was a shock to me (they always said they didn't need/want to) and although I was an adult and dsdad had been around forever, I was still upset by it (obviously I didn't show this or cause any drama!). To me it sealed the fact that my dmum was now his family and now I officially had a step parent and step siblings and in reality all I wanted was to belong to a nuclear family.
Point being, this girl is likely feeling the same and she is having to contend with teenage hormones at the same time. Your DH is exacerbating the issue by pretending that nothing is happening. You sound great OP, give her lots of reassurance and perhaps open up about your own experience?

Thanks all for the advice, really appreciate it.

Update:

I spoke to him last night whilst we were out for dinner and he couldn’t be his usual avoidant self and had to talk.

He explained that he thinks it might be because she expects him all to herself. His ex wife has never had another partner in the 12yrs they’ve been divorced, she has also never worked (wealthy parents support her financially) and never had any hobbies, so she is always available for the kids 24/7. He thinks DSD might expect that same level of non stop interaction and because he can’t give that (works full time etc) she may be seeing it as I’m what’s stopping that.

Discipline wise he said he has tried over the years but admits that he’s given up a little bit. When he’s disciplined in the past, the kids would refuse to see him. Or his ex wife would undo it (such as if he confiscated a phone, she’d give it back to them as soon as they were at hers again)

I do wonder if this is maybe her interfering a little too. Ex wife will always call the kids when they’re over and will then question DP over text and say he needs to do XYZ. Rather than talking to DP, the kids will tell their Mum of any complaints.

He said that DSD was 2yrs old when he and his ex split, so she’s never known them together as a family unit. I’ve explained that time and no memories of that doesn’t matter, it’s real to her right now. It now must all seem so final with DP and I marrying. It must be bringing up so many conflicting emotions and feelings for her. I just want to give her a cuddle and tell her it’s all going to be ok and she’s wanted and part of my family now too, but she’d just tell me where to go right now.

I’ve never tried to take on that maternal role with DSD. She has a mum and I would never try and step into that role. I’m also very conscious that his ex might feel uncomfortable with that too. I’ve always been a friend figure, there if she needs me but also happy to take a step back. I don’t try and discipline the kids or correct behaviour, that’s DP’s job as the parent, but I’m there for support when required.

With wedding planning, I asked her if she’d like to pick the colour scheme and help choose the bridesmaid dresses, so she has that feeling of inclusion too. She was enjoying that, but recently is very disinterested.

DP said that he spoke to all of his kids prior to proposing and asked them how they felt and if they were happy with it. He said they were all fine and excited. I’ve gently suggested that he needs to regularly keep those conversations going as feelings are going to change constantly, emotions are going to pop up etc.

DP has agreed to speak to her this weekend and provide her with some reassurance

Your husbands a bit of a coward trying to avoid conflict and discomfort isnt he. But in effect what hes doing is allowing his daughter to treat you with disrespect and sacrificing your comfort and ease in your home, because he wont correct her on her behaviour. She doesnt have to like you or your role in her life, but she does have to show a bare minimum of politeness and good manners. Im glad its being addressed as this is a very slippery slope.

He explained that he thinks it might be because she expects him all to herself. His ex wife has never had another partner in the 12yrs they’ve been divorced, she has also never worked (wealthy parents support her financially) and never had any hobbies, so she is always available for the kids 24/7. He thinks DSD might expect that same level of non stop interaction and because he can’t give that (works full time etc) she may be seeing it as I’m what’s stopping that.

@Chunkychips23 this was my situation entirely. Dp has 3 (all boys) & things were fine until we got married & then they got VERY territorial. Like in your situation exw doesn't work & is on call 24/7, she also did a lot of badmouthing about me & my dd 'stealing' what was hers & the boys; that is dh's wage!! She totally ignored the fact that I work & support my dd along with my own exh!
Dh's 20 year old has mellowed now that he has his own life & has been out in the world for a bit, but the 17 year old is still a head wreck, clings to dh massively & has no interest in me or dd & the 23 year old is not much better. When things got bad dh got into a habit of seeing them at his parents house (which he still does) & that's still where we're at - dh gone from his home most weekends to hang out with a 17 & 23 year old (but that's another thread). Dh tackled things by giving them more one on one, but in doing so he failed in talking to them & so they could all pretend me & dd don't exist when they're in their little bubble. As it is I now rarely see them & I lay this all firmly at dh's feet. Like so many nrdads he didn't want conflict but in not tackling things & in giving them so much one on one he's created a massive divide which I can see will cause issues down the road with graduations etc.
So my advice is get your dh to talk, talk & talk some more to her. She needs to be reassured she's not being pushed out, but she also needs to realise you're going nowhere. If he doesn't manage this now it will grow legs.
You sound lovely btw & like you're doing a great job.

OP you have a huge Disney Dad DP problem.

He sounds waaaaay too involved with his ex and her expectations. It sounds like they split yonks ago and his children are at ages where they can make their own decisions about how often they see him. so he shouldn't be held to ransom by his ex witholding contact.

My SD now barely speaks to me and will go out of her way to let me know I am not welcome in my own home.

This is simply unacceptable. DP needs to address it. And if DSD sulks and decides not come over, he has to live with that. Because this is not just about you - it's about helping his 14yo grow into a rounded person, who won't be able to go through life ignoring people without consequences.

I'd ask him what he'd do if the roles were reversed- what would he expect from you if your child was refusing to speak to him in your shared house?

What would he do if his DD was ignore her grandmother, or a teacher?

I'd be tempted to leave them to it for a few visits. Go out, see friends, be away, be busy settling in. And def let DP do all the running around and cooking for them.

So he text her last night asking if they could have a chat at the weekend. She’s sent him back an essay this morning about what she wants to talk about - weirdly, it seems very much written by an adult, not a teenage girl. DP thinks his ex wrote it. Unfortunately I have to agree - but maybe she was just trying to help SD vocalise her feelings.

Her worries are that he spends too much time on his phone (he works field sales, so isn’t office based) it’s great that he’s moved closer now, but he should have never moved out of the village in the first place (he had no choice, financially couldn’t afford it) he never does anything with her anymore and that he saves all of his ‘special time’ for me, not her. The final point was that he says he doesn’t have money to do what she wants, but he spends money on other things, not her - i.e the wedding (my mother is paying for that though, she’s been saving for that since the moment I was born haha)

She also mentioned that last time she was over he didn’t want to do anything at all, but watch a film with her. DP had just buried a very close friend two days prior (SD was aware) and she’d had a temper tantrum over it (full on crying and stropping off to her room)

Its good to finally know what’s been upsetting her and it’s a great point to start with. It’s validated me slightly (and selfishly) knowing that it’s not all been in my head and there has been something up.

He has said that he doesn’t understand why she feels that he gives me that time priority, especially when we both work full time and I also run a small business. We have very little time together - I’ve said he needs to look at it from a child’s point of view. SD doesn’t see it that way. We live together and doing the mundane things like food shopping and dog walking, to her seems like quality time, which she feels she’s not getting from DP. Of course that’s going to make her feel insecure, left out and resentful. How she feels is very valid and she must be feeling so confused and worried :(

He said he’d handle it, but some of those points she made have clearly been building for a long time, possibly before I even came onto the scene. I really hope he can provide her with the reassurance she deserves and needs.

Do you think it would be worth me also having a chat with her at some point, or would that be overstepping?

Do you think it would be worth me also having a chat with her at some point, or would that be overstepping?

Honestly, I'd leave it. You have made it clear you care and you're interested in her. Your DP has now followed up and has some feedback from her.

It's really for him to stop and think about how he needs to evolve as a parent and how he communicates with his children, as well as his expectations for them.

Time for him to reset contact with his ex, too.

I think she is very fortunate to have such a kind, rational and reasonable step mother. I hope she will come to realise that, as well.

Just a suggestion : are you sure she wants to be a bridesmaid? It’s almost like asking her to give her Dad away, formally, to another wife. I know that it is the fashion, but maybe she would be happier as a top table guest? Will your step sons be attending? Perhaps she could do what they are doing, and be with them, included but not centre stage.

worth asking her, perhaps. I wish you a happy marriage.

Yes I went through something similar to this. Took a similar approach to you in that SD was bridesmaid, we involved her in as much as we could with the wedding (planning activities for the kids, she even helped deliver the speech, chose the bridesmaid dress) and I have always tried to give her plenty of space with her dad, but have been friendly and around if and when she needs me.

I think part of the issue in our case was she was getting very stressed out because her mum was asking her lots of questions about the wedding and she felt she needed to report back on everything that was happening. She was hearing a lot of things at home about what other people 'thought would happen' and this was making her insecure and uncertain when she came to our house, which then came out as hostility.

The things that helped for me were just what others have said really- taking a step back/making other plans when you sense this hostility. I think that way it makes it clear to her that I'm not going to be there trying to get in between her and dad, which is what she may be afraid of. On the other hand, being really positive and warm/loving when she does reach out. Wait for her to come to you. For example, sometimes when I sense the death stares/evil eye I'll just go upstairs and read a book or something. My step-daughter will notice I've pulled away and then she'll suddenly appear all friendly and ask me to help with her hair and things (something her dad can't do!) which is always a nice bonding thing.

Letting her know how much she means to you as well as her dad, as and when there's an opportunity to do so. For ex sometimes text in the week and say 'I really enjoyed X this weekend, thank you. Have a lovely week x' That sort of thing.

There's always going to be bumps in the road and sometimes I think it's just kids - it's not even the step-parent thing.

@Chunkychips23 I'm going to say that I really do feel she's being egged on by dm, as in her grievances are being given legs and allowed to run. At 14 she should be well able to process her dad grieving over the loss of a friend; that's an adult telling her her dad shouldn't be deprioritising her no matter what!
I personally find children saying parents don't spend on them but spend on each other also extremely rude and distasteful & from my own experience that definitely is fuelled by the other parent. Who or how your wedding is paid for & you & dp's finances are absolutely NONE of her business (or her dms) & you & dp should in no way feel you have to justify your spending. My dh recently told me he sometimes doesn't tell his dc that we are away (eg short city break) as they'll all kick off as will their dm - is my opinion this is ridiculous & behaving like he feels guilty & I was furious when he told me.
It's great you have insight now but I would be vary wary of appearing to validate certain behaviours/grievances. Teenagers are tricky but they do need to be taught that the world does not revolve around them - as do certain exes!