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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is this 'disciplining?'

44 replies

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:33

What counts as 'disciplining'? A few weeks ago my SD did something I had asked her not to, and I expressed my upset to her. I didn't tell her there are consequences, or that she had better not do it again etc etc, I just said I was upset by her behaviour as she had promised us she wouldn't do that. DP says it is his place to discipline her not mine. I didn't consider that I was disciplining her, but I feel it is ok to express my upset? He thought I was out of line.

Today my SS did something he wasn't meant to do, and I told him I'm upset he did that, and that he shouldn't do it again please. I didn't shout, but my voice was very firm. Again, DP is upset and says it isn't my place to discipline his children.

I fully agree that it is his place to discipline them, and I do not want to overstep any lines, but tbh I'm failing to see the line between remaining totally mute and not taking any responsibility for behaviour in my home, vs being appropriate to express my feelings / upset / disappointment (without imposing consequences/punishment, which I am absolutely not looking to do and fully agree is up to their Dad).

Is it ok for me to express upset on occasion or am I meant to just quietly tell their Dad and let him have a word? I want to do the right thing so if I am wrong, please say so, but I'm just a bit in the middle over what my role is in this sort of situation.

Thank you for reading :)

OP posts:

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plumduck · 05/02/2023 19:30

So he wants you to just sit silently and take it?

What a weirdo. Why should you stay silent?

mathanxiety · 05/02/2023 19:44

The issues you describe are not petty at all.

Your husband is completely out of line. I assume he's playing the role of guilty dad and letting the adult children get away with extremely disrespectful behaviour toward you. You're being thrown under the bus here.

I'd sit him down and tell him you fully intend to treat the young adults who come into your home with the complete respect one adult owes the other, meaning that you will be as honest and as blunt with them as you feel the situation warrants.

He is 100% in the wrong here and has set up a hierarchy of respect worthiness - you're at the bottom of the pile.

I wouldn't put up with this, tbh. I'd be having serious second thoughts about the relationship.

Yousee · 06/02/2023 04:48

Would you be expected to not express your upset to any other adult who did those things?
I was expecting a sorry tale about 6 year olds and cutlery use or something like that... What a piece of fucking nonsense. You should not be "disciplining" adults, they should be well able to switch their listening ears on and not mess around with another person's stuff.

Nicecow · 06/02/2023 05:39

That sounds pretty pathetic, you barely did anything. Of course you should tell a child if they've done something that's upsetting, you should be able to tell this to any child, let alone your own stepchild. I would absolutely do this with a nephew or neice, and would have no issue with this done to my own DC. How else do children learn?

Nicecow · 06/02/2023 05:44

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:43

SD is 18 and had had friends over and badly damaged some things in our home. I told her I was very upset about it and then left her with her Dad and didn't say any more.

SS is 20 and had used my exercise equipment after I had specifically asked him not to as my physio had explained to me how to set it to certain levels for my bad back. I simply said I was very upset he'd done that.

I realise both these issues are petty, but I didn't give either of them any 'punishment' or do anything other than firmly say I was upset by that behaviour. I hadn't considered that to be disciplining.

To me, disciplining would be saying that given they have done that, there will be no more friends over or to not use my equipment again etc.

Surely I am allowed to speak my feelings?

Thank you. I've had a bad weekend :(

Sorry, somehow I missed this. They're adults! This is even worse imo. Surely if this was a friend, aunt etc you would tell them. Your DH is being a bit of a dick quite frankly and quite disrespectful to you.

Newmama29 · 06/02/2023 05:49

I think that you’re allowed to discipline (within reason of course) when it comes to being disrespected in your own home. I would tell another adult off if they were disrespecting me in my own home so why can’t I tell a child? When my dad & step mum moved in together, I always remember my mum telling me that my step mum has the right to tell me off as I am in her home too & should respect her rules. Obviously the consequences should be carried out by their father but if you are the first responding adult to a situation, I don’t see why you can’t express how you feel it 🤷🏼‍♀️

ApolloandDaphne · 06/02/2023 05:58

You don't discipline adults. You treat them like fully functioning human beings. If they are doing something you don't like with you belongings, in your home then you tell them so. Your OH is being ridiculous.

Slobbet · 06/02/2023 05:59

They are adults, so disciplining is a weird one, you’re much better widening their understanding. I would instead ask them again not to touch the gym equipment and remind them why. Can be talked through very nicely, with warmth rather then accusingly. No need to be very cross. It maybe possible to find a compromise if the equipment can be marked so that DSS can return it to the original setting.

were the broken items an accident or intentional? What items were they?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/02/2023 07:13

Why are you staying in this toxic situation?

bumpytrumpy · 06/02/2023 07:46

They're adults!! No one disciplines 20 year olds!

They sound selfish and immature but that doesn't surprise me with a dad pandering around after them like they're 8 year olds. Are they all sticking to the outdated contact schedule as well? Pathetic

Laurdo · 06/02/2023 09:20

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:58

Thank you all for your comments. You are giving me the confidence to explain to him that what I've done is totally acceptable and not in any way out of line.

There is no back story, but for those who are concerned, his wife left him after a long affair, and he was devastated. The children wouldn't stay at him for a very long time due to being young and very clingy, and it has left him with an unreasonable fear of losing his children. Their own emotional situation is very complicated too. He is usually too scared to speak up at all, and they are therefore not used to it and incredibly upset if I do. However, as you have all reassured me, they are adults sharing a home with me, and therefore acceptable for me to express my boundaries/rules.

He is in absolutely no other way abusive or violent, just incredibly and unreasonably fearful of losing them. They often threaten him with never speaking to him again if he doesn't do something (eg more money, taking them somewhere etc), but those are his issues and not mine.

I think his real fear is that his kids will say they aren't coming again because I 'told them off', when I actually don't feel I did that at all.

It is just incredibly hard sometimes knowing what is right and wrong in these kind of situations xx

So his adult children use his fear against him to extort money from him. They sound delightful.

Good luck to them when someone pulls them up at work for something or they have any other conflict in the big bad world.

Lots of marriages break down, lots of kids have to go between parents or have step-parents in their life. It is not an excuse to behave like utter arseholes.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this mess.

MeridianB · 06/02/2023 09:31

Oh my goodness, I really thought you were talking about five-year-olds! No wonder you're fed up.

Seriously? They messed up and you can't even have a calm word? And then he does nothing anyway.

Your DH needs to snap out of his Disney Dad guilt and support you - and them - properly.

Your responses sound totally reasonable and I wouldn't change the way you're approaching things.

Original poster

sunshinesallday · 06/02/2023 09:56

Thank you all so much for the reassurance and for really making me feel like I'm not imagining things.

I realise this behaviour by him will cause all sorts of problems for the DSC in the real world (& am already seeing examples of this with the eldest, 24). (he has 3 DC).

We've discussed it this morning, and I explained that I do not consider what I did on either occasion to be 'disciplining' and that I have a voice, and will make my feelings known to other adults in my own house. He totally accepts that and can see I was not wrong in any way. He knows the underlying issues and is working on it and tbh is often very fair to me as he knows his behaviour can be unreasonable.

I think I was just after a sense check from you because sometimes when you're in the moment you can't quite see the situation from the outside.

Thank you :)

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 06/02/2023 10:09

You don't discipline 18 and 20 year olds. You do what you did - explain that something was inconsiderate and ask them not to do it again as you would another adult. You then expect them to repect your boundaries.

It sounds like he is suffering from an excess of dad guilt and will probably never impose good boundaries around his adult children's behaviour. Not looking good for the future.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 10:18

What you did is not disciplining and you had every right to express your feelings, especially with SS using your equipment. SS should have apologised and his dad should have reinforced what your said.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 15:11

sunshinesallday · 06/02/2023 09:56

Thank you all so much for the reassurance and for really making me feel like I'm not imagining things.

I realise this behaviour by him will cause all sorts of problems for the DSC in the real world (& am already seeing examples of this with the eldest, 24). (he has 3 DC).

I think I was just after a sense check from you because sometimes when you're in the moment you can't quite see the situation from the outside.

Thank you :)

Sounds good from your point of view.

Unfortunately the damage is done to the children. Not by you. It's a real shame because he's done the classic things of forgetting he's raising humans to adulthood, instead meeting his own parenting needs. The'll have to learn the hard way now.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 06/02/2023 15:24

And btw... the issues you mentioned are most certainly not petty at all. They need to respect you and your home. And keep their hands off your stuff.

Paturday · 06/02/2023 15:26

Discipline means to teach so I don’t think his version of discipline sounds like discipline either tbh.

hourbyhour101 · 06/02/2023 16:10

Op glad with your update and agree with @MrsTerryPratchett actually.

It maybe become more of a problem when they are older but again that's not a problem of your making.

I am glad you felt heard by DH and that makes me feel little less concerned. I hope he sticks to his word 💐

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