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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is this 'disciplining?'

44 replies

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:33

What counts as 'disciplining'? A few weeks ago my SD did something I had asked her not to, and I expressed my upset to her. I didn't tell her there are consequences, or that she had better not do it again etc etc, I just said I was upset by her behaviour as she had promised us she wouldn't do that. DP says it is his place to discipline her not mine. I didn't consider that I was disciplining her, but I feel it is ok to express my upset? He thought I was out of line.

Today my SS did something he wasn't meant to do, and I told him I'm upset he did that, and that he shouldn't do it again please. I didn't shout, but my voice was very firm. Again, DP is upset and says it isn't my place to discipline his children.

I fully agree that it is his place to discipline them, and I do not want to overstep any lines, but tbh I'm failing to see the line between remaining totally mute and not taking any responsibility for behaviour in my home, vs being appropriate to express my feelings / upset / disappointment (without imposing consequences/punishment, which I am absolutely not looking to do and fully agree is up to their Dad).

Is it ok for me to express upset on occasion or am I meant to just quietly tell their Dad and let him have a word? I want to do the right thing so if I am wrong, please say so, but I'm just a bit in the middle over what my role is in this sort of situation.

Thank you for reading :)

OP posts:

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grievinggirlneedsadvice · 05/02/2023 18:35

I'm not in this position, but my gut instinct is that you are a person with valid feelings, so you should be able to express your feelings.
I guess the age of child and tone of your voice will come into play, how old are they?

mumyes · 05/02/2023 18:37

Tell dad and let him deal with it.

BriocheForBreakfast · 05/02/2023 18:38

I agree that you should be able to say something but it would be up to their dad to decide on the consequences of their actions.

Nommen · 05/02/2023 18:39

I would expect anyone to tell any child that their actions or behaviour upset them. Its then down to the parent to discipline accordingly in my opinion. Expressing feelings in a healthy way isnt discipline. Its setting boundaries. How old are DSCs?

MagnoliaMix · 05/02/2023 18:41

How old are the children?

2crossedout1 · 05/02/2023 18:42

What happens if you tell DP? Does he sort out the issue (with consequences for DSS if appropriate)? As long as he's prepared to do it all then I think that's ok. But not if you tell him and then nothing happens.

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2023 18:42

I wouldn't waste my time with any man who wanted a future with me that involved cohabiting who wasn't perfectly happy for me to discipline the kids, tbh. I wouldn't set long punishments but immediate consequences should be fair game. It isn't reasonable to expect someone (you) to live like that in their own space.

Original poster

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:43

SD is 18 and had had friends over and badly damaged some things in our home. I told her I was very upset about it and then left her with her Dad and didn't say any more.

SS is 20 and had used my exercise equipment after I had specifically asked him not to as my physio had explained to me how to set it to certain levels for my bad back. I simply said I was very upset he'd done that.

I realise both these issues are petty, but I didn't give either of them any 'punishment' or do anything other than firmly say I was upset by that behaviour. I hadn't considered that to be disciplining.

To me, disciplining would be saying that given they have done that, there will be no more friends over or to not use my equipment again etc.

Surely I am allowed to speak my feelings?

Thank you. I've had a bad weekend :(

OP posts:

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/02/2023 18:44

Their df is a shite df.
HTH..
And hope that helps you see your feelings don't matter to him op...

Original poster

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:45

DP rarely sets consequences. This is his prerogative and will shape his children, and I won't get involved in that. I think this is partly why I feel it is appropriate for me to express my upset (even if perhaps petty) because no other consequences or disciplining is offered...

As I'm writing this, I'm realising that perhaps also this is why he considers I'm 'disciplining' them, because to him this is disciplining!

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 05/02/2023 18:46

If they are all in your home then you absolutely have the right to lay down boundaries and express your displeasure at behaviour that you're not happy with.

If I've read that right and it's your house, tell your DP that he can discipline or not his kids any way he feels fit in his house but in your it's house your rules

TibetanTerrah · 05/02/2023 18:47

I don't think you'll do your relationship with SC any favours by running to dp all the time but staying mute in front of them. For one, you'll look like some strange tattletale with no say in your own house. They'll lose respect for you completely.

You haven't punished them. Surely you can speak up and say something is not on? And if DP wants to take it further speaking to them himself he can?

Laurdo · 05/02/2023 18:47

If you're not allowed to tell them their behaviour is wrong or express that they have upset you then tell your DP not to leave you alone with them. Either he trusts you to do the right thing when he's not there or he doesn't. I'm sure he'll change his tune at the thought of not being able to nip to the shops without having the kids in tow.

It's not even a "you're not their parent" issue. If any child/person did something in my home I wasn't happy with I'd be saying something. Does he expect you to just let them run riot in your home? I bet if they did something you'd asked them not to and they hurt themselves he'd blame you.

Veryverycalmnow · 05/02/2023 18:47

If you were telling their dad each time that would feel a bit undermining to me, like you were telling tales like a child. I think I'd try the 'telling him' option just to see if it worked out and to show you've tried his way and then have another conversation with him about this if it didn't work for you.

sweetsuzie · 05/02/2023 18:50

For Goodness sake if they were actual children fine but they are adults taking the piss.

Ask them in a different way - I would appreciate you leaving the settings on my bike as they are vital to my recovery, if that’s ok? You can use the bike with the settings but please do not change.

Breaking things is idiotic and disrespectful.

Greenfinch7 · 05/02/2023 18:52

These are not children you or he has a chance to 'discipline'; these are adults who are sharing your home.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 18:52

Right the thing is I wouldn't accept DH position if I was looking after my niece, friends child or anything like that.

Sounds like he wants to silence you completely and your never allowed to show displeasure in your own home.anyone who suggests in anyway that is normal, is abusive iMO.

This isn't a DSC issue. It's a massive glaring DH issue (even ignoring the other giant red flag with the dad who doesn't actually do any type of punishment)

This guy is not the one. And I wonder where else this behaviour plays out because it's doubtful the only place it rears its ugly head.

I work in the dv sector pro bono (and I don't mean in a low level) btw I know what I'm talking about here.

Laurdo · 05/02/2023 18:53

sweetsuzie · 05/02/2023 18:50

For Goodness sake if they were actual children fine but they are adults taking the piss.

Ask them in a different way - I would appreciate you leaving the settings on my bike as they are vital to my recovery, if that’s ok? You can use the bike with the settings but please do not change.

Breaking things is idiotic and disrespectful.

Na fuck that. It's OP stuff. She doesn't need to let anyone use it and already told the SC not to use it and they did anyway. Zero respect.

I honestly assumed this post was about small kids. They're adults. I wouldn't be pussy footing around them in my own home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 18:54

SS is 20 and had used my exercise equipment after I had specifically asked him not to

You don't discipline a 20 yo FFS. He used YOUR stuff when you'd asked him not to. Damn right I'd tell him he shouldn't have. And I'd have done it a lot less nicely than you.

Original poster

sunshinesallday · 05/02/2023 18:58

Thank you all for your comments. You are giving me the confidence to explain to him that what I've done is totally acceptable and not in any way out of line.

There is no back story, but for those who are concerned, his wife left him after a long affair, and he was devastated. The children wouldn't stay at him for a very long time due to being young and very clingy, and it has left him with an unreasonable fear of losing his children. Their own emotional situation is very complicated too. He is usually too scared to speak up at all, and they are therefore not used to it and incredibly upset if I do. However, as you have all reassured me, they are adults sharing a home with me, and therefore acceptable for me to express my boundaries/rules.

He is in absolutely no other way abusive or violent, just incredibly and unreasonably fearful of losing them. They often threaten him with never speaking to him again if he doesn't do something (eg more money, taking them somewhere etc), but those are his issues and not mine.

I think his real fear is that his kids will say they aren't coming again because I 'told them off', when I actually don't feel I did that at all.

It is just incredibly hard sometimes knowing what is right and wrong in these kind of situations xx

OP posts:

Irrelevantdata · 05/02/2023 18:59

Your SDC are plenty old enough to respect other people's belongings and you have every right to express your feelings when they don't. This is your home (whether it's your house or his) and you should be able to trust the people in it to be considerate, don't settle for less than that.

If DP doesn't want you to tell them when they've upset you then he needs to teach them to respect your home and belongings so they don't upset you! Don't back down on this or you risk becoming a second class citizen in your own home, the real issue is SDC's behaviour so any discussions need to come straight back to that.

Irrelevantdata · 05/02/2023 19:05

Just to say that your last post is a very familiar dynamic for me, I have had an epic battle to be heard over my DH's all encompassing fear of losing his (now adult) DC and it very nearly ended our marriage. I'm (I hope!) out the other side now but feel free to PM me if you need an understanding ear, its a difficult position to be in I know

Sleepless1096 · 05/02/2023 19:13

They're adults damaging your property.

I'd tell him that you're happy to leave the 'disciplining' to him, but the next time they damage or use your private peoperty without asking, you'll be reporting them to the police if a grovelling apology/compensation isn't forthcoming.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 19:13

I think the problem is really he's teaching them to not be good humans in the future. They now know that actually they can use this as a weapon and tbh will likely do so again. If the DSC said we won't see you ever again until you divorce (you) would he do it ? If the answer is a tentative yes then please for all that is holy run. You cannot save everyone. And you are worth more than this.

And yes they are issues but he's making them yours but not allowing you to show displeasure in your own home.

I was a step child and I never ever would have said that to my dad. There's something wrong if they have used this threat before, and will by all accounts do it again. Because emotional blackmail doesn't stop. And in the end you may end up as collateral damage.

And op im so sorry 💐(and to anyone who reads this and has a similar issue)

Choconut · 05/02/2023 19:25

I think you really need to to talk to him about how to handle issues when he won't speak to them about anything and he doesn't want you to either.
If he puts no boundaries in place with them then it's not surprising that they think it's fine for them to disrespect you and your things. You need to talk to him about the negative effect his behaviour is having on them. He is doing them a disservice by being a weak parent.

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