Difficult biological father

[Staceypol]

To give a bit of back ground, my daughter is 9, I have been separated from her biological father since she was 1 month and Iv been in a relationship with my current partner for 5 years.

My daughter has always had a relationship with her father, it’s not always been regular and to be honest, if I was being blunt, he’s been a pretty useless father but it was important my daughter understood where she came from, so Iv done every thing to make it possible.

My current partner, since the day he met my daughter has parented her as if she is his own. My daughter has always been aware of my partners position in her life and naturally began calling him her step-father.

now the problem starts 😂😂…

My daughters biological father took a disliking to the notion of my daughter having a second father figure in her life (his own insecurities, I’m sure) and has since been discrediting my partner.

My daughter is now going through all sorts of confusion and asks questions that I can’t answer with out being very honest about her biological father, who, insanely, she believes walks on water.

I’m between a rock and a hard place, caught between honesty and protecting the undeserved image my daughter has of her frankly useless biological father.

Any one lived through it and have advice because I don’t know where to turn

Would some general conversations about what parents roles are / what is good parenting/ why are parents important …… with no reference to her father help improve things maybe?

Could you ask some questions about whether she wants children, what sort of mum she’ll be, does she believe in healthy eating or treats, how much time would she spend with her child, would they live with her etc etc.

It’s not an overnight fix but it might be easier for her to realise things for herself rather than hearing it all from you.

Id also say if she is asking specific questions it might be that she’s already there in her head but not quite ready to admit to herself / you that he’s not amazing. So perhaps you could think about modelling/discussing how we can love someone even when they aren’t always right / perfect/ reasonable etc?

That’s actually not bad advice. I hadn’t thought that she could be more aware than I’m giving her credit for.

she’s recently specifically asked me what does to take care of some one actually mean, because all I can think to say when she’s regurgitating her fathers excuses or views is that my current partner helps to take care of her and that’s what a parents job is, to take care of their children.

As someone from a broken home, degrading her biological father will only cause her more hurt and confusion, she will feel like she needs to pick sides and is letting down one parent if she loves another

I agree with the comment above, there are ways to chat with her to open her eyes a bit without directly telling her but she is only 9.

As she gets older she will come to her own conclusions

That’s actually a really good question for introducing the topic.

Taking care of someone means looking after them because you love them.

Examples of this are when I make your bed / when dad cooks your tea / when stepdad washes your clothes.

It can also mean financially when I pay for your clothes / when dad buys your food / when step dad pays your dinner money.

When you have a baby how will you take care of them?

(made up examples obviously but hopefully you can find something her dad does 😂)

her biological father, who, insanely, she believes walks on water.

That's incredibly common.

The conversations above sound good and can lead into “I’m glad that you think he is good to you. He wasn’t nice to me. Do you see SF being nice to me or not nice to me? “