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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why do reactions to second marriage siblings differ

34 replies

SemperIdem · 01/02/2023 10:39

I’ve noticed, in real life and across various threads, that children seem to react better to their mum having a baby with a new partner than they do their dad.

I can’t really work out why but it does play on my mind. My step children’s mum is expecting a new baby and they have all reacted fine (after the initial surprise) and my partner and I plan on having a child together after we marry. Based on what I have seen and read, I’m aware their reactions might not be the same.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 10:42

Probably because they feel it’s unfair the new baby will get dad full time while they won’t. That’s if the mum has primary residence.

I’m not saying that’s right but I’ve seen people say it.

My DSC mum hasn’t had anymore and we’ve got out and another one on the way and my DSC have been very positive about both.

DangerNoodles · 01/02/2023 10:42

Because usually the children live with thier Mum and the child will feel more like a sibling to them. If they only see thier dad at weekends, it feels more like they are being replaced.

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 10:43

Probably feel like they will be replaced? I’ve seen dads have other kids then barely bother with the first, haven’t seen that happen when it’s the mum and usually mum is the RP. So I would say they worry the child will be pushed out and dad will have more of a bond with the new child as seeing them more?

ChicCroissant · 01/02/2023 10:44

Same as the previous posters with the thoughts about the full-time dad.

aSofaNearYou · 01/02/2023 10:47

What often gets said is that the SC feel more insecure about their NRP having more children who live with them whilst they don't, which makes sense.

But if it's any consolation, my DSS was perfectly happy about our two DC being born.

Zwicky · 01/02/2023 10:55

My dc aren’t in that situation but all have had several friends who have felt pushed out by the dads new baby. Some have lost bedrooms, some have been essentially banned from the house for a period of weeks when the new baby is born, their have been financial implications that the dc have become aware of, there is a real and genuine fear that they will be squeezed out of the “new” family. Doesn’t seem to happen when the mother (the usual residential parent) has a baby. Not one of dcs friends, that I’m aware of, has been told to sleep on a sofa at their mums house because they aren’t there full time anyway. It happens enough for dc who haven’t been through it to be aware of it, and when a new baby is coming they worry.

PeekAtYou · 01/02/2023 10:57

I think that the balance of parenting in mum/stepdad households is very different to dad/stepmum households. Ime stepmums do a lot more than stepdads (or dads do much less than mums) so they will be more insecure with dad. If he doesn't do much and that time is cut further because of a sibling then I can see why that's a worry.

Original poster
SemperIdem · 01/02/2023 11:17

The comments re when the children spend significantly more time with their mum than their dad completely make sense.

There’s a solid 50:50 arrangement in place for my step children so perhaps that would make a difference, in the future.

OP posts:
Nadal · 01/02/2023 11:22

It may not be an issue. My step kids welcomed their new baby brothers. No animosity at all. In fact the opposite.

Mari9999 · 01/02/2023 12:06

If they spend most if their time with mom, it feels as though mom is just adding on to the family. If dad moved out, it likely feels as though he is replacing the family.

Mom is unlikely to ever have reservations about them touching or interacting with their new sibling. Many stepmother 's seem to take a "this is my baby attitude" while mom' s are more likely to take a "this is our baby"; attitude.

Many children seem to feel that the grown-up with their mother's children , but the only spend time with their father's other children. The dynamic is often very different.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 12:09

It’ll probably be less of an adjustment for them when you have one because they’ve already got one at mum’s. Travel hopefully!

There’s often a suggestion that when dad has another child he’s moving on and leaving his older kids behind while mum doing it is adding to her family in a more acceptable way. Which isn’t fair and shouldn’t be an issue in the equal split you have.

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 12:11

I think also it may be when mum hasn't already had one and it is seen as dad leaving to gave a new life and replacement family. In your case where mum has clearly moved om and have another it will probably make your path easier too. Good luck with ttc and hope it all works out well for you.

We have a his, mine and ours and all kids have been happy and accepting of later sibling. As young adults they are in touch with each other more than us and arrange to meet up for sports events etc.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/02/2023 12:12

There can also be a fear that the stability in the NRP home could be upset. My girls were both worried when their Dad's (now ex) wife got pregnant that he'd walk out on her, as he had done to me, when the baby was little and they wouldn't get to know their sibling.

Also in their cases they both wondered for a while why their Dad was happy to be a Dad full time to their sibling, but had chosen to be very, very, very part time with them.

Thesenderofthiscard · 01/02/2023 12:18

With our friendship groups the break ups have been because the dad's have an affair or are pretty rubbish hands-off dad's. When you have a dad who's had an affair or not been there much for you it can be a bit tricky watching him play the doting father with the OW or new partner and baby.
And even if he was like that initial when they were little, they're too young to remember it.

I coach a sports team and one of the girl's has a Mr. Angry, not that interested dad who completely changes into Disney dad when his girlfriend & new baby are there. It's tough to watch him be not nice to this wonderful kid then treat the new baby like it just fell from Heaven. She deserves better than someone who treats her like an inconvenience now he has another family.
Luckily her mum and older sister are great.

Thesenderofthiscard · 01/02/2023 12:22

OP - so long as your DP treats All his children the same - allowing for the time a baby can take up- you won't have any probs, Also, as the mum has had a kid it evens things out a but too...

Cileymyrus · 01/02/2023 12:31

I also think that mum’s decisions are accepted as default- they can’t really argue against them.

they can kick off against dad and threaten not to see him, but can’t do the same against mum when it’s their main home.

they have less to lose. as much as a child may not like it consciously or subconsciously they aren’t going to threaten to move in with dad and disrupt their lives.

NewNameNigel · 01/02/2023 12:33

I think this all comes down to how well the children's parents supported the children through their break up.

If a child has been subjected to one parent making comments about how the other no longer loves them as they have left, negative comments about their step parent etc then of course they will react badly to a new sibling.

If however the patents have put their differences aside to provided united parenting where the children feel loved by both of them then they are likely to be happier with the news.

DarkShade · 01/02/2023 13:06

Agree with it being a 50:50 thing, and perhaps with kids feeling more secure in their relationship with their mother, perhaps due to mums typically being the primary caregiver. Even in families where parents are together you'll find kids feeling more secure in their relationship with one parent, often mum. As a child I always knew that I was my mum's entire world - with my dad, I know that he loves me, but it wasn't quite like that. I think that kids often feel that their dad moved away and is starting again with their new family, but feel so secure in their place in their mum's family and life that they take new siblings as additions to their own family.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/02/2023 13:19

Because baby in the primary care home will be a new member of their family that always lives with them in their secure place.

Dad is often not resident parent so they're jealous of being 'replaced', sibling gets to live with dad all the time and they fee second bests

EasterIsland · 01/02/2023 13:41

I can tell you why in my case - my father had a series of affairs, as well as our large family. When he had his second family he proudly talked about being a father all the effing time.

Because clearly, his first family were invisible, not important, and not fulfilling.

I have very little to do with him or his second family. They're not my family.

MissWings · 01/02/2023 13:42

It’s more significant usually. Particularly if dad is just a weekend Disney dad.

Original poster
SemperIdem · 01/02/2023 14:00

EasterIsland · 01/02/2023 13:41

I can tell you why in my case - my father had a series of affairs, as well as our large family. When he had his second family he proudly talked about being a father all the effing time.

Because clearly, his first family were invisible, not important, and not fulfilling.

I have very little to do with him or his second family. They're not my family.

That’s awful, I’m not surprised you that you don’t want much to do with him!

OP posts:
Zwicky · 01/02/2023 14:05

I can tell you why in my case - my father had a series of affairs, as well as our large family. When he had his second family he proudly talked about being a father all the effing time

Because clearly, his first family were invisible, not important, and not fulfilling

iirc Boris Johnson was similar when his baby son was born, despite having several older children. Weird for a father of x number of dc to start saying things about “now I’m a father…” when he’s been a father for nearly 3 decades.

EasterIsland · 01/02/2023 14:48

I can tell you as an adult child (as I was) it hurts. A lot. People think it doesn't because you're an adult yadda yadd yadda, but that's bollocks. So if your partner has left the mother of his children for you, don't expect roses ...

Original poster
SemperIdem · 01/02/2023 15:18

EasterIsland · 01/02/2023 14:48

I can tell you as an adult child (as I was) it hurts. A lot. People think it doesn't because you're an adult yadda yadd yadda, but that's bollocks. So if your partner has left the mother of his children for you, don't expect roses ...

Where did I say he had done that?

OP posts:
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