DH and DSC

[killeraqueek]

Does anyone ever feel their DH is using their DC as a weapon against you? For example if my DH is in a bad mood with me or me him he subtly makes more fuss of DSC. For example he'll sit on the sofa with them not really making room for me or he'll ask them if they'd like a drink neglecting to ask me, he'll purposely laugh and joke with them and that sort of makes me look dull and boring. It really upsets me but maybe this isn't a step parenting issue and I'd have a problem with it even if they were my own children. I already feel like an outsider and it really doesn't help.

Yes, sadly.
In my case he becomes extra jovial and chatty with them, while "behind the scenes" (I.e. when they're not in the same room) he's been giving me the silent treatment.

I'm probably quite a bit older than you, OP, I'd be out of that relationship. I couldn't live with somebody like that. There is a real meanness about that sort of person They isolate and exclude someone and watch them as they sit there depressed and get their kicks from it. It's really cold.

It's so hard isn't it, it makes me feel like packing my things and staying with my mum. I don't really know how to react. I suppose it's just something I'll have to live with, if I bring it up he'll only say I'm imagining things

You can choose not to live with it.

@determinedtomakethiswork I wonder if he even knows he's doing it. I just tend to clean and tidy the g house so I don't have to interact much. Sometimes I don't think it's meant, occasionally they will play fight on the living room floor and I just sit there with a fake smile on my face but I don't want to join in but equally I'd feel mean spirited just walking out

So awkward!!

He sounds like a wanker. And no you dont have to put up with it at all.

I suppose it's just something I'll have to live with

If you genuinely think this is done out of spite, why on earth would you think you need to tolerate it?

What other shit behaviour do you let him away with?

My ex used to exclude our own child and make jokes at his expense when his children were staying. We also made him
move out of his room and in with us when DSC came to stay as they needed a room each . My son still remembers years later . It feel bad about it and his dad’s horrible behaviour

My ex used to do this with my actual children

oooh look at boring mummy in the kitchen again not like daddy, daddy's going to TICKLE YOU HA HA HA HA! followed by lots of shrieking and laughter usually followed by a crash and oooh noooo mummy's going to be soooo MAD and SHOUT AT DADDY tell mommy not to shout at daddy! Mummy don't shout at daddy! PWEASE we was only funning mummy urgh she is boring let's go to nanny and have some fun!

He would take them to his mums house and slag me off in front of the kids it sort of stopped when ds reported in circle time he needed his hearing checked because mummy wasn't shouting and daddy said she was and he couldn't hear it

out of the mouths of babes eh?

@sandgrown that's so so sad, I as an adult can decide if I leave but that is just awful for your son.
There is something very lonely about sitting upstairs alone hearing laughing going on in another room but not at all feeling you can be part of it.

@Theunamedcat yes I actually think my dad used to do it with my elder sister to my mum so I recognise the behaviour, it's honestly so subtle I think a lot of people wouldn't notice but I've definitely seen it before. I think I'd feel the same way if it were my own children but I suppose there is always a sense of not belonging anyway when they arnt and that's just amplified

I suppose it's just something I'll have to live with

Why in the fuck would you choose to live with this disrespect? You must have shockingly low expectations of what a healthy marriage is if you're willing to live like this.

I'd be telling him goodbye.

I don't feel it's something I need to leave over, I suppose I'm just venting.

Believe me, he knows he's doing it. And if the alternative to you sitting there upset is you cleaning the house than that is a win-win situation for him.

What you should really do is pack an overnight bag and go to stay with a friend.

Why not though? Why put up with that rubbish?

OP for a start I would mirror his behaviour and ignore him, so for example don’t cook or do the washing (except for yourself), etc whilst he’s being like that. If he makes a comment just be clear that you’re not being treated like an outsider then expected to act like wifey and step-mum running around after them. It’s one or the other.

If it carries on despite you giving him this message, when the kids are in bed I would also say “it’s a shame you only really engage with the kids when you’re in a mood with me”…he may say you’re being stupid but trust me he will feel those words.
(yes I know I sound like a cow but he’s making more of a fuss over them to punish you, it’s so wrong)

You can leave him because of his emotional cruelty. The fact he does it in this subtle way makes him even more dangerous.

His behaviour shows he has a capacity to be very cold and callous, and he won't hesitate to treat you as less-than.

Please look into your options for leaving. It will wear away at your emotional and psychological week being to stay with someone this emotionally unsafe.

*week being = well-being

I bet his first wife is well rid of him. You are the one taking on a big commitment as he comes with kids. What’s in this relationship for you? Is he definitely good enough for you?

I have to say this is a DP not a anything else problem.

What's that saying men who can't let go, chose women who can't say no.

I don't like this as a general rule of thumb but it applies here.

Being alone would be better than being with this man. Because a nice guy, wouldn't weaponise anything. Let alone his children. But bully's do tend to use whatever is at their disposal easily to beat their victims