Just my ponderings, really.

[Squidger45]

I grew up with separated parents, and was always introduced to my respective parents' partners. Had some really positive relationships with some of them - I'm still in contact with 2 of my dad's ExG's.

My previous and current relationships, partners both had DDs.

Previous was 10 when we met, now 14 and we still have contact - she comes for tea, we go shopping etc. It was her who started calling me her 'step Mum' to people, and I had a great relationship with her Mum (and still do). I always took an active role when she was with us, as this is what I grew up experiencing with parents partners.

New partner has DD(5) who we see EOW plus holidays (she lives a bit farther away, we would love to have her during the week also but it's just not possible) and I adopt the same approach.

I see a LOT of criticism on other boards about step parents, assumptions of us being the 'other woman' , meeting kids too soon, not enough, being too involved, not caring enough, interfering, not including themselves, who can and cannot call themselves a step parent etc.

I mean what was I supposed to say to DSD14 when she started calling me that - 'no sorry darling, I'm not your SM because I'm not married to your dad and MN says so, its against the rules someone made up.'??

Just seems so alien to my own life experiences - why do step parents get such a bashing? Why is there such negativity towards blended families, and those stepping into the role of SM (sorry - girlfriend / boyfriend of an individual with existing child from a previous relationship) and trying to do a bloody good job?

I mean, 42% of marriages end in divorce and yet this scenario is so taboo on here, everyone acts like their life is perfect if they're in the 58%, and the ex and the SP seem to get so much grief. To the point it needs its own board.

Who ever didnt benefit from having lots of adults in their lives that love and support them? Can you not assume a semi-parental role without being blood related? Why can kids only have 2 parents, and everyone else is irrelevant? Sure, there's Mum and Dad, but is a parent not more someone who is or acts as a parent to a child.?

Why is this so bad, that you can care for and be invested in the life of a child who you are not biologically related to?

I just don't get it.

I don't really post about step-parenting issues on MN because of the responses I've gotten previously. Comments about me being too involved in my DSDs life who lives with me 50% of the time, and about me not being a parent.

As soon as you say anything negative about the mother you're shot down in flames. Golden uterus can do no wrong!

I'd recommend joining a step parenting forum. Much less judgement and people jumping to conclusions and everyone on there is a SP so they get it.

Are you surprised at the responses you got if you made comments such as ‘golden uterus’?
It’s not a nice way to describe someone is it?

I never actually used that term in any of my posts but reading the responses to mine and others posts that's the opinion of a lot of people. The mother is always right and the SM is either overstepping, judgemental, just going on what the dad says bla bla bla. A lot of mother's think they're entitled to respect just because they've birthed a child.

I’m sure you never used that term before 🙄

Cool story 🙄

@Laurdo and a lot of woman seem to think they deserve respect just because they are in a relationship with a man who has sired a child.

Being the current partner/girl-friend/wife whatever doesn't give you a special place or role in anyone's life (aside from the man you are with obviously); often the 'step-mother' appears to hold an over inflated view of their role. A SM may chose to adopt a parenting role; others are not obliged to welcome, thank or indeed respect her for doing so. (Partner aside obvs).

And both types of women are wrong. Respect is earned regardless of whether you've birthed a child or not.

If the kids mum is secure and happy then blended families can absolutely work but if she feels threatened by the stepmum/ angry at life etc and spews venom while the kids are in ear shot and they repeat those things then it's harder

because step mums are never insecure, never threatened by the existence of an ex and always nothing other than lovely to the children?

blended families are a two way process. They can’t work where a step parent (of any gender) doesn’t want the children around, resents maintenance paid, actively seeks ways to minimise children spending time with their other parent, is rude about their other parent in the children’s earshot…..in my children’s experience, their numerous step mothers have resented them without exception. It has been unpleasant for all concerned. The latest seems different, but I won’t be holding my breathe! 2 of my children no longer bother with their dad as a result. He won’t accept it’s because his home is tense and unhappy and he can’t believe they don’t view me as the useless waste of space he thinks I am. He has no right to think that, just to be clear, I have brought them up well with manners and politeness. I have always worked - 3 jobs on the go most of the time - and he hasn’t paid a penny. Eldest is at uni, middle is on track to secure grades 7/8/9 at GCSE and I have managed the youngest and his life-threatening condition on my own.

step mums are not all nice, kind or supportive.

step mums are not all nice, kind or supportive.

Well this is true of most humans. Step parents aren't a subset of humans with a collective traits. Not all (insert your preferred) mums/dads/grandparents ect are nice, kind or supportive. I hate to say it but and ? This is not new. The only difference is socially sm particularly have narrative of being well, evil and that thought narrative is decades decades old and ingrained in society.

Also for the above the term golden uterus comes from the reference (I believe) of the golden child. Which doesn't apply to every mother because not every mother thinks their child is so golden or deserves more than any other child often at the detriment of other children. The ugly sisters are a example of this. Realistically though a golden child doesn't make for well adjusted adults.

It's also not specific to first wives as it's a mental position that can affect anyone. But it does seem to be more prevalent in first marriages as they are the first born. So deemed more special.

Really it's about resources and the splitting of those resources .Literally more mouths to feed mean less resources to spilt therefore the group, has less to go around = more risk of death (in the animal kingdom anyway. We are programmed to want our nearest kin to survive, new female on the scene can introduce more mouths ect and hostility rise because of that instinct.

It's not rocket science nor is it complex, or really surprising. But it's a boring narrative to keep seeing when actually you would think we have realised why this happens, since we are so "advanced" as a species but realistically we aren't. We just tell ourselves that.

I have seen it argued that first borns should get more (x)because their parents split up at the detriment of other children.
But in a nuclear family you don't apologise for having more siblings and hopefully less they should get x because they were born first. You would say treat the kids all the same. But since you have two females both focused on their nearest kin and therefore it's a competition.

Which is bonkers but it is what it is.

Not all stepmums are nice, not all mums are nice. But I think the OPs point is stepmums tend to get a harder time than mums on MN. In my experience on MN, in a scenario involving a Mum and a SM, people seem quick to take the mum's side or make excuses for the mum. SM are expected to prove themselves and go above and beyond to be deemed as a good SM.

In my case my DSDs mum couldn't possibly be as bad as I make out. I'm obviously biased because I've listened to DHs experience. I should take a step back and not be so involved in my DSDs life.

If a SM is stuggling - "you knew what you were getting into when you got with a guy with kids"

Mum struggling "you're doing a great job, don't be so hard on yourself"

Maybe, just maybe some mum's are just shit. And maybe some SMs aren't completely evil.

So basically arsehole dad who sees no issue introducing his DC to numerous "step mothers" consistently chooses arsehole girlfriends. Nothing to do with step parenting as a concept really and certainly not representative of many step parents. The common denominator here is not the step parenting element of the situation but a parent failing to prioritise their DC.

@DebussytoaDiscoBeat you nailed it.

Why are sm (who aren't blood) held to a higher standard than dads that participated in creating these children.

The common denominator in the story mentioned above is dad.

@OP

I believe some women feel threatened by the existence of an involved stepmother. IRL, I used to get the cold shoulder from my DSD's friends' mums when she was in primary, despite being friendly and attempting to chat.

Having had a couple kids of my own with my DH since then, and having been through depression/anxiety on and off, it's a little easier for me to understand why someone might feel threatened. If you're feeling low and insecure about yourself and your relationships, I believe the existence of an involved stepparent can remind you of how tentative you feel. If you're already feeling low and insecure, the presence of an involved stepmother can signal that you are easily replaced. If your marriage is breaking down and you're struggling with feeling rejected, then that feeling of being replaceable can be magnified.

This is not a random stepmother's problem or fault. There's no chance any of us could replace the kids' mums, even if that was our aim.

FWIW, the only unmarried "stepparent" I ever gave side-eye to was a guy who called himself that a few months into the relationship, well before the kid was remotely comfortable with him. He was, understatedly, a horrific asshole.

I think it's gotten better over the years. I can post questions or remarks about DSD's schooling, for example, without getting shat on about my rank in the family tree these days.

But on the whole, yes, I've noticed the same pattern. It's a shame, because there are very, very few good resources out there for stepmothers trying to find their feet.

Most of us mean well. We want to bond with the DSCs on our own terms, in a way that suits both them and us. In fact, we kind of need to in order to all live in the same house peacefully. But there are gaps in our knowledge about who these kids are, which make bonding a challenge. I met my DSD when she was 4. Which meant I was missing ~35,000 hours of information about her personality, preferences, behaviour, etc. And I didn't have children of my own at that time, so I had no experience I could draw on to try and fill in some of those blanks. I relied on my DH a lot to facilitate that bond DSD and I have now. He was the only one who could have done it. It wouldn't have happened if he'd married me expecting a substitute mum.

I don’t agree at all with your point about some women feeling threatened by involved stepmothers.
I believe ex wives/partners just want what’s best for their DC’s, and would rather their DC’s have a SM who is kind and treats her kids properly when in her company.

What is often found (I know this from experience, and you can easily gather it from the numerous threads on the Step parent boards) is that the SM often resents having her partners DC’s in her life. As a pp says, they often resent maintenance being paid to the ex’s too.
All this resentment of the existence of the ‘ex family’ ,by the SM, is obviously going to be noticed by the children and their Mothers.

Not only do they have to adjust to their family living apart, but they also then have to often contend with a new woman who makes it clear that SHE is to now be the main focus of her man’s life, and his kids are an inconvenience for her.

As I said, there are obviously going to be great SM’s (and step dad’s) who actually make things easier for everyone, (if they’re accepting of the fact their partners have children from a previous relationship, and that these children should not be cast aside as if they’re in the way) ,but I’d say so many new partners wish their partners didn’t come with that ‘baggage’.
That doesn’t mean to say however that I think that all of those who wish their partners didn’t have children would treat them badly, or make life difficult for the previous family.

But there are some Step parents who do cause problems for the previous family. There are so many threads where it’s clear that, no matter what the story the SM is saying, IMO it’s so obvious underneath that the SM is resentful and bitter towards the ex and her DSC’s just because they actually exist.
How many times do you read how they describe the ex wife as ‘batshit’, ‘unhinged’, ‘crazy’, ‘money grabbing’, or the DSC’s as ‘spoilt’, ‘unruly’, ‘undisciplined’? I could go on.
To the SM’s, IF the ex was really all these things, well one thing to remember is your partner didn’t think so did he? as he made a family with her, and why is he allowing his children to live with a woman who is a really bad role model to his kids?
That’s bad parenting if he doesn’t even try to fight for custody to keep his kids safe don’t you think?
( Oh and it’s free to represent yourself in family court, so no excuses of ‘he tried to fight for custody but couldn’t afford a Solicitor)
Also, if your DSC’s are so unruly or whatever, what is your partner doing about that?

According to the SM’s, any problems in her relationship, it’s ALWAYS the ex wives and her partner’s kids fault in one way shape or form. Why is this?

I’ll tell you why, it’s because some people can’t handle the fact that another woman (or man) ‘got there first’ by marrying and giving him his first born children. That’s all it boils down to. That’s my opinion.
Remember, I did say that there are obviously going to be some brilliant step parents.

If we are looking a mn specifically my experience is often step parents (typically mums) venting about their step children. And whilst I get that an anonymous forum is good a place as any. My gut feeling is if you are not willing to build a strong relationship with your step children then don't get into that relationship in the first place.

I have 3 children, my 2 dd have had 2 step mums. The first was nice to them but didn't make a massive effort particularly when the marriage fell apart. She has no contact with my dd now except a hello if we bump into her. The second step mum was initially wonderful, really lovely very keen but over time she became nasty and spiteful (I appreciate ex dh will have had something to do with that) it's awful for children to grow up feeling second best or not good enough in a family, even if they have two families. I've seen first hand how massively it effects their self esteem. That's what annoys me, if your not prepared for the step children to be treated as part of the family don't have a relationship with someone who has kids.

@Cheesetoastiewithsauce

This part, I do agree with 100%:

Also, if your DSC’s are so unruly or whatever, what is your partner doing about that?*

That's actually something I've said to friends who were having a hard time with their own partners' kids.

I'm sorry to hear about what your own kids have been through. That really sucks. The adults involved could have found a better way to proceed, for the sake of the kids.

As far as projecting resentment in anonymous forums goes... From a SM's perspective, I've found it can be really hard to figure out where you fit in to an already-established family. And if your partner is fine with the kids being rude to you, isn't concerned about boundaries like bedtimes, isn't proactive about managing difficult behaviour, is afraid to enforce boundaries... then it can be really tough to figure out how to make it all work.

I've said this before: I relied on my DH a lot to facilitate a bond between DSD and me. That meant bringing me along with who she is and what she needs, but it also meant him stepping up and being the "primary parent" at our house. I think a lot of dads keep themselves in the dark about how to do that, maybe because society still doesn't demand it of them.

I have had some nasty responses on MN in years past, though. Back when I sought advice as someone newly responsible for and developing a bond with a small child, and trying to figure out how to fit into a blended family. Lots of people just straight up assumed I was responsible for breaking up my DSD's family. Lots of people assumed my DH must have left his marriage to shack up with me. Some responses were incredibly helpful, but other posters took the time to express that I shouldn't have a place in my DSD's life.

I can't help but think that reflexive responses like that must be coming from a place of insecurity. Because those responses weren't helpful, and the assumptions behind them weren't remotely correct.

FWIW, the rest of MN is full of posts venting about children and their behaviour.

Is it less of an issue when a bio mum does it? Why? Surely she knew what she was getting into when she decided to become a parent? ;-)

I think @Laurdo if a step parent is in a child's life 1-50% or even more then they are in their life and cannot be ignored. They deserve respect until they provide a reason not to have it.

It baffles me that a Mum/Dad would treat a Step parent disrespectfully knowing that person is still in their child's life. If my son ever had a step mum, I'd want to have a positive relationship with her for the benefit of him. I would put all feelings of upset aside for my child.

The people who are cruel and horrible to SMs on here, are largely, ex wives whose husbands treated them like total bastards and probably left them in a shitty situation. But not all broken families have those bastards in. And not all women who get into relationships with single dads think that behaviour is acceptable.

Some do.

However most step parents just want the best for the children, along side being in love with their partner.

Venting about behaviour fine but often it's a comparison vent our child vs their child which isn't great

@autienotnaughty comparisons happen in nuclear families all the time. Literally I have seen posts mum saying Dd is a angel and my DS is hell spawn and I don't know what happened.

The difference is mum has control over how to tackle bad behaviour in nuclear family. Any sp doesn't.

True I guess I'm referring more to when there's resentment at the impact the step children have on the family. Some people don't seem to want step children to be in their family and I know first hand the damage that can do to a child.

Thing is. If say someone did resent their step children and purposely want to exclude them. I'm not saying it doesn't happen before anyone lynches me

Do you really think they would post on mumsnet for advice ?

Or would they just proceed to do whatever and not give it a minutes thought. People post (even the most disagreeable people because they are stuck on a problem).

I can tell you abusive people don't give their actions a seconds thought. Because ultimately they don't think theirs anything wrong with their behaviour. So why would they come to MN to be ripped to shreds.
It doesn't make sense.

So although you may not know which side of the camp, a op falls, if they have posted about a problem/issue/emotion. It's because they care and are stuck. So odds aren't actually evil people.

But people do use that as a excuse to take out their anger on those who they haven't managed to tackle in RL, because shock horror those people aren't anymore likely to listen in RL as they are to post on MN for advice.

I get it, and no one likes to think they might be kicking someone who doesn't actually deserve it. But it doesn't solve the issue and just makes people who do this as bad as the people they profess to hate.

Only iMO. Obviously.

I’ve experienced step parents from all sides - I have a wonderful step father who, with an absent father, became the man I call my dad. My son has a step mother, who was the OW. I won’t ever particularly like her but my son loves her, I believe she loves him and that can only be a good thing. And I’m married to a man with a daughter who shares access 50/50. I have a mostly good relationship with her, only sometimes negatively impacted by her very bitter mother, despite it being her choice to leave. Seeing us very happy means SD returns to us with comments like ‘my daddy, SB and I are going to heaven, you’re going to hell / my mummy says so!!’

Both SM role and mum to a child with a SM can be tough roles at times for different reasons. And we can all make mistakes and on occasions, we probably all let our emotions put our own feelings over what is right for the child on rare occasions. But I think that is very rarely remembered when it’s a situation with a SM, people are far more likely to believe they are at fault while the mum could only ever be thinking about their child!