Just my ponderings, really.

[Squidger45]

I grew up with separated parents, and was always introduced to my respective parents' partners. Had some really positive relationships with some of them - I'm still in contact with 2 of my dad's ExG's.

My previous and current relationships, partners both had DDs.

Previous was 10 when we met, now 14 and we still have contact - she comes for tea, we go shopping etc. It was her who started calling me her 'step Mum' to people, and I had a great relationship with her Mum (and still do). I always took an active role when she was with us, as this is what I grew up experiencing with parents partners.

New partner has DD(5) who we see EOW plus holidays (she lives a bit farther away, we would love to have her during the week also but it's just not possible) and I adopt the same approach.

I see a LOT of criticism on other boards about step parents, assumptions of us being the 'other woman' , meeting kids too soon, not enough, being too involved, not caring enough, interfering, not including themselves, who can and cannot call themselves a step parent etc.

I mean what was I supposed to say to DSD14 when she started calling me that - 'no sorry darling, I'm not your SM because I'm not married to your dad and MN says so, its against the rules someone made up.'??

Just seems so alien to my own life experiences - why do step parents get such a bashing? Why is there such negativity towards blended families, and those stepping into the role of SM (sorry - girlfriend / boyfriend of an individual with existing child from a previous relationship) and trying to do a bloody good job?

I mean, 42% of marriages end in divorce and yet this scenario is so taboo on here, everyone acts like their life is perfect if they're in the 58%, and the ex and the SP seem to get so much grief. To the point it needs its own board.

Who ever didnt benefit from having lots of adults in their lives that love and support them? Can you not assume a semi-parental role without being blood related? Why can kids only have 2 parents, and everyone else is irrelevant? Sure, there's Mum and Dad, but is a parent not more someone who is or acts as a parent to a child.?

Why is this so bad, that you can care for and be invested in the life of a child who you are not biologically related to?

I just don't get it.

I know.

It's so sad.

Because a lot of step parents don’t even like, let alone love their step children. Not that difficult to grasp.

I clearly said, that just doesn't register with my experiences both as a 'person with a partner with children from a previous relationship' and as a child with DSPs.

Which is why I was so interested, and genuinely baffled about the vitriol on here towards SPs.

It's just not something I've experienced, and I feel like all seem to get tarred with the same judgemental brush, perhaps unfairly? Perhaps not. I don't know.

So for me personally, it is that difficult to grasp. Because it doesn't resonate with me at all from my own personal experience.

Or was my initial point too difficult for you to grasp? 🙄

Your experiences may be positive, but that does not mean another person's experience cannot differ. Neither experience is less valid than the other.

As this is a support forum, it seems to stand to reason that negative experiences would outweigh the positive. Perhaps there are lots of people who come on here who are for one reason or another having a difficult time in their blended family - this presents a distorted picture.

p.s. I had no idea there was a rule that one couldn't be a step parent unless married, how bizarre! My friend isn't married - she and her partner have been together over a decade and have 2 children.. by this logic are they less of a family??

I have no idea. I just saw a LOT of people leaping on a poster yesterday who referred to DSD when they're not married. It did not go down well, and a number of posters corrected her.

'You're not SM, you're dad's girlfriend' etc.

I found it all rather unpleasant, I've been thinking about it today and just didn't see why people had to be married to be important in a child's life.

I don't see marriage or not as an indicator of a family unit - but apparently some do and I was interested to understand the perspective because I'm unfamiliar with it.

@Squidger45 because people have grown up with wicked stepmothers and that narrative was born at a high time of mortality rate for mums and therefore a step parent was likely to be born out of the loss of a parent.

That's never gonna be a positive. Some people are naturally assume all steps are hideous and therefore why trust any of them.

Funny thing is step parenting board is visited much more by non step parents than step parents. With those non step parents being fairly loud in their opinions.

Bit like a bus driver saying he's gonna do open heart surgery and tell the surgeon where to cut.

Baffling tbh but I agree in rl no one is ballsy enough to utter the tripe that's typed on here.

I’ve had two step mothers, both deeply unpleasant women.

My step father was/is amazing.

I still see my step DD a few times a year (she’s at Uni, far away!) as she is my youngest DDs sister.

All of my friends/cousins that have divorced parents either have/had two awful step parents or one decent, one terrible - that’s around 20 people off the top of my head.

Your sample size of 1 - yourself - is, frankly, ridiculous.

My experience is ridiculous?

Lovely.

I don't have any friends with particularly negative experiences either, nor do I know anyone who has issues with their DSCs (bar one, who has issues with parents also as steals for drugs!)

I know people with indifferent feelings towards their DSPs, but not negativity to the extent I sometimes see here.

But my initial point really was geared towards other adults slagging SPs without knowing the situation, just because they're SPs. I was miffed - I love both of the children in my life that I've met through partners over the last 5 years (one of whom still calls me step Mum even though I'm not by MN's rules, and her dad and I are no longer together!) and I felt it unfair that all SPs (or whatever you want to call them) role was being slagged and belittled when that's not always the case. I felt it was a massive sweeping generalisation that I wanted to understand, being in that situation and giving a shit about my role in the lives of these kids.

I'm not trying to be inflammatory - I'm trying to understand which I made very clear from the start, so your terse and frankly rude response is part of the problem I'm grappling with.

Good point re. the historical context. Hadn't thought of that to be honest.

Its the non-SPs comments I'm often baffled with, especially the level of hate in some of them. It often seems they can do no right.

On Friday I saw (in the same post)

'She disciplines my child which I don't agree with' and 'why can't she look after DC when ExH is at work.'

So hang on, this poor woman is expected to look after a DC that she's not allowed to reprimand for rudeness, or discipline the behaviour of when DP isn't even in the building? This child should do what it wants, but be looked after by the SM nonetheless? 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Squidger45 try reading "stepmonster" it's a really decent book.

It's important to note that sm are often held at a higher standing than step dad. A bit like mums and dads actually.

What causes conflict imo is everyone has a different version of what it's a good sp and what isn't. There aren't any defined rules but people like to imagine there are and then get upset if those rules aren't met. If the step kids have one set of rules, mum another and dad another your bound to have conflicts.

MN really doesn't agree with blended families on the whole. A lot of kids end up in loyalty binds and taking them into adulthood. Sp get blamed if one of the parents is a shit parent because it's easier to blame a sm for a dad being absent even if dad was always absent (even before sm).

The more complex a system, the more points of failure it has.

As I said people have lot of feelings and they come on here to share them.

From what I’ve noticed, the Step parents who tend to get a ‘bashing’ on here are those who’ve created a nasty thread, where the Mum of their DSC’s is often referred to as ‘batshit’, ‘money grabbing’ (amongst other nasty qualities), but the poor SM’s (it’s usually sm’s and not Sdad’s) are ‘completely innocent of any wrong doing’. It’s such a common theme.

The DSC’s are often referred to in a negative way too, they’re either ‘naughty, rude, unruly, spiteful, spies for the mum, always wanting dad’s attention’ according to the SM’s.
Yet these kids are most likely just kids with normal behaviour, but the SM has to pick and magnify faults about them, because she hates that she has to ‘share HER man’ with them. And the DSC’s Mum is most likely a Mum that wants what’s best for her kids and expects their father to pay his way and treat them properly. That’s all. Yet the SM has to turn everything into an issue, and it’s all because of her jealousy.

What these SM’s tend to ignore, is that the DC’s and the ex were there before she came along (and the DC’s especially, will always be in their partner’s lives in some way or another), and that she had a choice as to whether or not to become involved with a man with ‘baggage’.
The children don’t get a choice. They have to often go back and forth to two different houses, and have to live with or see a step parent that makes it obvious that they’re not really welcome.

Just to say, there are many brilliant step parents no doubt!

Jealousy, insecurity

@Cheesetoastiewithsauce I'm not gonna lie but what board are you referring too ? If your not a step parent or a step child I would wonder why you would be on this board in the first place to be able to assert with such confidence that's exactly what happens here. That or you actually have no idea and are talking waffle.

Most people get a right kicking when posting here. Sometimes rightly,sometimes not. But I have been on here a while and haven't seen anything like what you have posted.

I'm am however currently on a post on here that op (mum) describes as having her child on a Friday is burden/punishment and she's annoyed because she's been stalking her ex's new gf on Instagram and surely she should should be watching the children while he works and mum should be free to do whatever while sm watches her kids - dad has them 4 nights EOW and a few days in the week. He's not asked for less days, he's asked if he can switch one of the days.

I think the problem is that when people split up. They give up the right to dictate what goes down in the other house. Some people think mums word is law and frankly it's not. I say this as a mum who has a Dd with a sm and she was the ow and I still rather like her. Go figure. When you blend you accept the children not the ex wife into your family. I have no interest in controlling what goes down in that house. It's none of my business (other than safety concerns)

And as a ex wife personally I don't think my Dd sm thinks of me at all, as I don't think of her at all. Can you imagine if people actually think that sms are jealous of mums 😵‍💫 hahaha

On second thoughts what you put has got to be a wind up. Because honestly it's such a cliche, it's got to be right.

Your clearly pulling my chain.

I signed up to Mums net for advice about real situations I can't talk to anyone about.

I'm a step mum and a mum.

The people around me tell me often that I'm a wonderful step mum. The children are lucky to have me in their lives and that I am strong and resilient. I can't ask them how to deal with really intricate or tricky situations because who really knows unless they experience it.. right?

But on this forum, I have been absolutely torn apart. Step Mums feel the need to start posts with "I'm not the OW". "Please no judgment". If they so much as use a word out of place they are the WORST.

But some advice is so helpful that I have to wade through the none-step parents and none parents whose children have step parents. It makes it worth it.

But some posters are absolutely vile and unhappy with themselves and that, I guess, is their issue.

@roseheartfly just one mum to another I'm sorry if that happened here. I don't doubt it did. Not for one second.

But honestly it's rather depressing that people can't ask for advice without having very word analysed and bad intent assumed.

It's actually already shown up on this post. Which I don't know if it answers OPs question but at least highlights exactly what happens on every post here and what people think and say to someone essentially asking for help.

I’m not ‘pulling anyone’s chain’ as you put it. And who are you to question what I’m doing on these boards unless I’m a SM or a step child?
You’ve no idea of my family set up, and what I will say is that I’ve been on here a long time too on and off over the years, and I guess the reason many sm’s get a pasting is because of exactly how I’ve described, some of their posts are not very nice about their dsc’s and their partner’s exes.
You are describing one thread which, yes I agree the ex wife is out of order. But I bet to every one like the one you’ve mentioned, I could pick out ten where the ex wife is being pulled apart and the dsc’s are a problem for the SM’s.

Demy it all you might. I can read.

Deny *

If the kids mum is secure and happy then blended families can absolutely work but if she feels threatened by the stepmum/ angry at life etc and spews venom while the kids are in ear shot and they repeat those things then it's harder. I've been racially abused by my stepkids who don't know what they're saying but they are repeating what they've heard. Not a recipe for a happy home life! Yet when we've been away with them for longer periods like on holiday it's totally different.

I had step-parents and have been a stepmother and I agree with the OP. I was friendly with my father's partners but never felt that parental bond- That was okay, there was never any tension and there was mutual admiration and respect. I do feel parental love towards my stepfather, he's a lovely man and my life has been made immeasurably better by having his influence and presence when I was younger. My stepchildren and I got on too, there was no drama, just respect.

I feel really lucky to have had all these people in my life. They weren't all perfect, but the expectation of perfection is unfair anyway.

So my DD refers to my fiancé as SD and dads long term gf as SM. I still have a good relationship with my exHs DD and her child calls me Nana. However her DM is and always has been a stereotypical bitter woman and will always hate me. The SDC mums are definitely not always the victim I bent over backwards for her kid when she didn't and I'll always be slagged off for it 😬😂

@Cheesetoastiewithsauce soo... if you have been on here for ages you would have seen the multiple times MNHQ have come to this board and said that although everyone is welcome on here the board is primarily for step parents and step children and is a place for advice for them.

Not for people to vent a spleen over there own internal issues they haven't sorted out on some random op.

I'm assuming you don't go on to the multiple pregnancy board (having not had multiple a pregnancy) and say your all awful and actually your doing it all wrong 😑 if your automatic is well it's different (well sad to say it's not). Everyone can have your opinion sure, but not all opinions are equal. I don't ask any random person on the street to perform heart surgery. I ask a expert or at least someone with working knowledge of you know heart surgery

Actually re posts most of the posts I see here usually a DP issue .Even with a unreasonable ex (which btw I am a ex wife) and kids being challenging. He is the person who married two people and create life with one or both. It is therefore his job and responsibility to control whatever poison is coming into the house and correct the kids (if needed). If someone has a decent partner it doesn't matter if the ex is Freddy Kruger she is literally surplus to requirement in the kindest sense.

The ex bit out of order in the post I mentioned about mum. Now what would you say if that op was a dad ? He would be slaughtered. Rightly so actually. I would also say both deserve to have a break from kids because both parents deserve this. But if she had been a he not one person would be like oh he deserves a night off.

If you can mention 9 posts you could mention quickly - where the ex is being painted as evil by the op and op hates is jealous of the ex/children, I'm all ears as is this op. Because if that's the case I haven't seen it but I'm not disputing the fact that it doesn't exist. Just that I haven't seen it on this board in the quantities your suggesting.

If people are genuinely jealous of mums and the kids and mum/kids are getting a bashing for no reason, I haven't experienced that in RL and I haven't experienced it here at a by the numbers your suggesting 90% of the time to be the rule when I don't agree. And it seems like I'm not the only one ?

That said though on a emotive level I have no reason to agree with something I simply don't see.

Just who the hell you think you are I don’t know. Your whole post is a disgrace, especially the part you mention of pregnancy boards. It’s fuck all to do with you what I post, where I post, or what opinion I have, so go away.

And I’m not going to give examples of threads on here just to satisfy you, look through them yourself. And if you read what the op on here posted, she asked why SM’s get such a bashing. I answered, end of.
So don’t bother replying to me as I don’t wish to communicate with someone who sounds like a right know it all.

@Cheesetoastiewithsauce that's a lot of emotion for the internet. If you can't cope with people disagreeing with you and have to start name calling then this isn't the place for you.

But you have kinda illustrated my point. I tagged you originally because I genuinely was a little staggered at what you put tbh, and I was interested in the other side of thought because it's not been my experience of being a step child or my experience with step families.

You said you could mention 9 posts and since I literally haven't seen what you stated you have seen, so I asked ? Really bizarre response to what was a genuine question. I have to say though I haven't ever seen a sm be jealous of a mum because why would she be ? It doesn't make sense.

Weirdly your response seems have turned a bit to of the stereotypical persona (that you outline in your first post, ironically) that I as a mum don't certainly hold and never seen the wild .I genuinely thought it was a wind up, since on here I actually haven't come across someone in RL that thinks like that and haven't ever seen that so blatant on here.

I stand corrected you genuinely believe what you believe. Okie dokie.

But as I said it's the step parenting board and unless there's a set written guide to how people should blend a family I seemed have missed, some healthy debate is bound to happen 😊

It’s because of internalised misogyny. Everything is womens fault in the eyes of society. People don’t realise they think this but it’s obvious in every area of life.
look at how working mums are regarded as opposed to working dads, look at how much of the unpaid labour caring for young and old is done by women, look at how differently step mothers are regarded as opposed to step fathers. When you notice it, it’s no surprise at all that poor step mothers have all of their kindness thrown back in their faces.