Back to mediation or court?

[timetodine]

Hello,

Background:

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is nearly 12, they split when she was a baby. They were young, met at university. Partners ex moved back to her home town when they split, and my partner shortly moved back to his home town. These towns are about a 5 hour car journey from each other. My partner always made the journey to see his daughter, they have a very close relationship and he's done everything he possibly could. He moved up there when he was younger so he could maintain that close relationship. His job then moved him back to where they met but he travelled weekly to see her still, getting hotels etc.

Fast forward to when DP daughter was still young, partner had moved back to his home town but was still collecting her from school on a Friday and dropping her back on the Sunday.

When we first met, he had changed things so it was every two weeks as the travel was getting too much for both of them. DP ex said their daughter was getting tired on the Monday after the weekend etc.

This was still happening for a couple years. DP and I then had children. We financially tried to still do the journey to collect DSD every two weeks but it was starting to cost a lot. DP was also getting tired. It's a ten hour journey on a Friday and a Sunday, every two weeks. We had young children and he couldn't take the Friday off work any longer.

DP suggested to DSD mother than we met half way. This was met with a hard no. DP had tried to reason with her and asked if we did 2/3 journey and she did 1/3 but it was still a no.

They did go to mediation over this as nothing was being agreed on. We were still doing the journey every two weeks. That didn't stop.

Mediator agreed and we came to the arrangement that we would do Saturday-Sunday every two weeks and we'd pay for their train tickets and we'd do the 2/3 of the way.

This lasted a short while. DSD ended up not meeting us or letting us know the few days beforehand that she couldn't do it. DP then made the same journey back up as did not want to let DSD down.

They went back to mediation and in the end it was agreed that we'd do a huge change up. Since then, we have DSD in the school holidays. We share Easter, summer and Christmas with alternate Christmas/new year every year. This has been going on for two years now. We still pay for their travel, still meet same place 2/3 way, they do 1/3.

Our issue is, there is always a problem with meeting and no communication. We like to book things in for the school holidays. If that's holidays, camping, days out, seeing family and friends. We are an active family that like to go and do things. But with the lack of communication, there's been many times now where DSD has missed out, we have lost out on money due to things changing last minute, or our DC have missed out.

The reasons behind the changes of meeting vary. Some are questionable. The last time we were told by DSD mother that she had hurt her legs. DP went and collected her from home, we had her for new years, and he dropped her back. But after speaking to a mutual friend, she had been out partying for New Years, also bowling and went for a New Year's Day swim. We saw videos of this also, so it wasn't just gossip.

This did upset my DP. Because he feels like she's perhaps lying to get out of meeting us. So, he then had to travel up to collect and drop back etc. this isn't the first time this has happened.

This time, we have sent the train tickets two weeks ago for Feb half term. DP mentioned in the email that could she please let us know all is going ahead because the day we collect DSD from our meeting point, we are then planning to see GP (they live far away also so need to book tickets and let them know etc). We have had no acknowledgment from this email. DP did a chase up email and just politely reminded her that we needed to know if things were going to change as we had to book tickets etc. still nothing. It's worth mentioning we will never involve DSD in this. A few people have said to us, why don't you ask DSD to ask her mum. We do not want to do this.

This happens most times. And the times she ignores are the times we know she's not going to meet us basically. We have noticed that. But DP also politely mentioned in the email (with the train tickets) that he can't do the journey to and from her house anymore this year. That if she cannot make it herself, she may need to ask a family member to do it. Or let us know and we can do another day. This was also stated in the final mediation.

What do we do now? There's no other issues. They are usually amicable and have been. He pays her weekly maintenance and has never been late etc etc.

Do we suck it up and just do the 10 hour round trip to collect and drop her off every time? Is this normal? It's just very long, DP is getting older and I do not drive. We would have to most likely split it and stay in a hotel so we weren't doing ten hours in one day.

We also have our dc to accommodate for also. It's very hard! DSD is very much loved by us all and we don't let her know this is an issue or anything on our behalf. We just don't know what we can do next.

I guess all we want is better communication and for the dates to be set unless something happens, either or. I have to say if my DP can never make the collection/drop off (very rarely) he lets his ex know and his parents do it. We've never let DSD down or made things difficult for his ex.

I'm not trying to shine the golden light on us and make DSD mum look bad. We have no complaints other than this communication and pick up/drop off. We just would like things set it stone as it causes anxiety in us not knowing what's going on.

Is this a court issue? Is it back to mediation again? I must mention that DSD mother is sensitive and DP has to word things in a certain way so she doesn't get upset or defensive. So he doesn't want to go in all guns blazing and upset her. But he still needs some stability.

Thank you for reading.

Is it really worth going to court? If I've read rightly contact is now only three times per year in the bigger holidays. If that's the case he should probably just do the travel so that it can't be messed with.

It’s a control issue with the mother.

We had the same (without the large travel distance) with my DSC’s mother. Wouldn’t do any pick up’s / drop offs (hasn’t done one on over 10 years). Absolutely refuses.

Also wouldn’t respond to emails or texts. My OH doesn’t phone as she has a so abusive. So years of being messed around.

After years of her messing my OH around / not being able to make plans - my OH took it to court.

A clearly defined CO was put in place & the judge weaved into the order that communication had to be by email only and the mother had 3 days to respond. If she didn’t respond within 3 days the request by the father was approved. If she defaulted on this - it would be a breach of the contact order. And father could bring it back to court as a breach.

You will have another 4 years of the mother messing you around if you don’t take control.

Three times per year?

No.

We have dsd February half term, all of Easter (above was a mistake), may half term, three weeks of the summer holidays, October half term, and half of Christmas.

So we meet at the meeting point 12 times a year.

Thank you for replying.

This is what we are worried about. We don't want DSD to not come down here and spend time with us all. We really do have her best interest at heart. The travel is just a lot. Ten hours in a day is crazy imo and just not safe?? On top of my DP working two jobs also. Not that that has any relevance to dsd mother. But the last time he did it at Christmas, and we found out that dsd mother hadn't been truthful, it really upset my DP as he's always been so good at helping her out etc. Never said no to extra money if it's needed, he pays for dsd extra curricular activities. And money aside, he's a bloody great dad. He's a lot better than some of the dads I have read about on here that's for sure!!

May I ask how you proceeded with the court?

I don't think it's worth going back to court.

Your DSD is now 12, by the time you go through the court process, she'll be 13 and old enough to decide when she visits you, and to travel on a train on her own.

Why don't you arrange for DSD to travel alone, you collect her from the nearest direct train station.

It's dropped from 104 times per year to 52 to 12.

I don't see the issues with making that journey 12 times to be completely honest.

Given her age I wouldn’t bother with court. None of it’s ideal but no court will compel the ex to stick to plans or make DSD be available. What would DH be hoping for?

Given her age, and that it's six times a year, so 12 journeys, he needs to suck it up and do them. Otherwise it won't be long before she just doesn't come at all. She's not going to want to do the journey on her own. I wouldn't want my 14 year old doing that distance alone, plus if her mum is uncooperative what guarantees do you have that she will put her on the train?

It would be ages before you actually get to court. Because of the distance he isn't doing any of the practical parenting, if he wants to maintain this relationship he needs to go get her.

You don’t say how far away from their original living place he moved? Was most of the distance created by him?
so he cut his contact down when he started dating you, and then further when he had a second family. Now down to 6 times a year. The train journey saves him an hour and a half there and back and he pays for it? Yes I think he’s bonkers to not just go and collect her with it being so infrequent. If there is a direct train to somewhere closer it might be sensible for the daughter to take it alone but might be a bit young for it

If it went to court I think you’d be in danger of the judge saying it’s unfair to other parent that you get vast majority of holidays with her whilst mum
gets all day to day care?

I think your dsds parents have massively failed her here. What were they thinking decided to live so far away from each other? It's hardly a shock that 5 hours each way is proving hard to manage! Your dp barely sees her and now even travelling is too much for him, poor kid

Why can't dsd just get the train there and back? She's 12, at that age I was going from Manchester to Devon by myself every summer to stay with my grandma. If you're not comfortable with her changing trains (which I get) could she get a train to the nearest direct station to where you live, your do meet her there and then they do the last part of the journey together?

This situation was bound to happen a 12/13 year old doesn't want to spend 80%+ of her holidays away from all her friends stuck with younger half siblings and her dad, she has her whole life hours away and because she's only with you during holidays won't really have proper friends at yours (not judging you just a typical age thing).
The other thing is that the holiday split is unfair and needs to change. Your dh can't just insist everything has to fit his new family life. Expecting a 12 year old to do a 5 hour train journey alone is not ok.
If your dh takes this to court he will be lucky to get half the holiday time he does and that's only if his dd wants that much time away from her home life.
If I was your dh I'd be speaking to your dsd and asking her what she wants in a non pressurising way ie as she's getting older would she be happier spending a bit more time in the holidays with her friends, even if she says that everything is fine the way it is reassure her that she's loved and wanted its just that he understands that as she gets older she may want things to change and that's ok because he wants her to be happy and she can tell him anytime that changes. She will at some point come back and say that it's too much.
Honestly I've seen this happen so many times that I can almost guarantee that it's most likely being driven by teenage hormones and how your dh handles this will dictate the relationship he has with her as an adult. If she feels loved, wanted and listened to as an adult she will have a good relationship with her dad but if she feels that she's being forced to leave her friends and home every holiday she will resent him and eventually refuse to go (if that's not already happening) and it will destroy their relationship. I know that this isn't what you want to hear but in the long term spending less time with her for now may well be the best course of action if that's what she needs and wants with the understands that when she does want more time that he's happy and willing to do so.

As someone else mentioned at dsd age, she would have her wishes & feelings taken into account.

I think her Dad needs to talk to her to explore the issues. Whilst she might want to see her Dad the reality of the journey plus being away from friends might just be too much. I don't think Court is the right way to go as it will just cause conflict that is rarely fixed afterwards.

I personally think you were daft having more kids with someone in this situation.

It was clearly bonkers at the start, but to introduce 2 more kids - ridiculous.

Of course that was going to make seeing the original child a shit ton more difficult.

I think you should just suck it up & stick to the original arrangement - i.e. you'd P should do all the travel to see his daughter.

I'd stop arranging things that include DSD until she is actually with dad. Otherwise you'll just be getting stressed out cancelling stuff. If that means she misses out then Dad needs to tell her why she's missing out.

By the time it gets to court DSD could well be 13 and allowed to make the decision herself. She might not want to do the long train journey often anymore but might be scared of upsetting her DF. At that age peers become the most important thing. I think I would try to gauge what contact DSD actually wants does she want to go for the school holidays all the time?

You see a child 6 times a year (if I'm reading that right, you just see her in the holidays?) and you're quibbling about picking her up?

You suck it up for the handful of times he actually still sees her.

You can't complain of tiredness/expense when you have chosen to have more children. His priority should have been his existing child.

At her age she can decide herself. I think you have a bit of cheek expecting this tbh.

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