Help. I really don't like DSC

[RoundO]

I have two DSC. One is a teen and one is 10.

I really like the older child, they are lovely, considerate, kind, fun to be around, chatty and just generally easy to look. Sure there is the usual teen attitude sometimes but on the whole they are really well behaved and we get on well.

But I really really struggle to like the younger one. In fact admittedly I don't like them at all. Everything they do grates on me. They are moody, selfish, barely engage in conversation other than to be rude / ask for something, whinge about everything, wind their sibling up (Inc teasing our younger children too). I just find their presence annoying put bluntly and internally roll my eyes whenever they are around.

I try so hard to be exactly the same way with them as I am their older sibling but I get barely anything back. I'm not new either by the way I have been around since they were a lot younger. DSC10 is exactly the same with their dad and mum apparently too.

It doesn't help that my husband thinks they can do no wrong either and babies them ridiculously.

I'm finding it hard to turn a blind eye to normal child behaviour like I can do with the older one and my own, everything they do bugs me even when it's "normal" misbehaviour or be subjective when it's an issue between the two DSC, often finding myself wanting to side with the older one even if they aren't always in the right.

I don't know what to do, I have tried so, so hard and I think that shows through the fact that I have a lovely relationship with my older DSC but I just cannot seem to bond with or like the younger one.

It's completely shit to feel this way I know. And yes I'd be heartbroken to know someone felt like this about my children. But I just cannot seem to like them.

Easy to like not look*

I can sympathise completely and I do think it's normal to have less tolerance for step children. We don't have the same feelings as we do with our biological children.

I have a step son and he grates on me. I cook him lovely dinners, clean up after him and there's no thank you and he's so ungrateful. I made a lovely dinner last night home made took me ages. He sat and refused to eat it. He does like this dinner and we've had it before. He said he didn't "fancy it" - he's 10!! He wanted something else. I said absolutely not and he went hungry. His dad was up for making him another dinner - I put my foot down and said no! I cooked for 7 people - I'm not letting him control the situation or get what he wants. Children are manipulative. I ask him every time he comes to please make his before before he goes home. He left this morning and his duvet was on the floor and pillow at the bottom of the bed. He shares a room with our 3 year old so I can't just ignore it and shut the door. I'm so annoyed and frustrated with it. I don't like him either!! I just hope his attitude changes. I absolutely wouldn't allow my son to behave this way but being a step parent - we are stuck with no authority!
Moral of the story - we all really struggle with children. Sometimes they are even our own - hopefully they grow out of the shit bag behaviour lol

The fact that he's exactly the same with his parents shows it's not a you problem. It's obviously causing you unnecessary stress so just take a step back. If he won't engage with you stop trying. Let his parents deal with him. If he doesn't have the same bond as the older SC then that's on him. You can't expect people to like you when you don't try to be likeable.

I don't like my oldest SS. It used to stress me out watching him treat my DH like shit when all my DH ever did was try his best for him. I tried to make an effort with him but it was never appreciated so now I just don't bother with him. If he doesn't acknowledge me in my own house then I just don't care anymore but now he no longer gets lifts to places or food made for him.

One of the hardest aspects of stepparenting is when DSC have been raised/allowed to behave in a way which is the complete antithesis of how you would/do raise your own children’s.

You can try and talk to your DH at a quiet calm time, but IMO it doesn’t make much difference; even if they agree, it’s hard for them to (or want to even try to!) make a change when they see DSC for a limited amount of time.

Step back a bit, deep breaths, internal eye rolls, long walks, hobbies which get you out of the house, long baths with wine. None of them fix the issues, but stop you from saying the wrong thing or getting too wound up!

Forgive yourself for not liking him. It's ok, not all kids are likeable.

Does your DH have your back on things? That could be where the problem lies...

firstly it’s lovely you want to have a good relationship
but a few things that stood out to me:

I try so hard to be exactly the same way with them as I am their older sibling
Ok but they aren’t the same child. They have different interests, needs, insecurities etc. if you had two children of that age difference you would be different with them, try to think about the needs of the younger one more

It doesn't help that my husband thinks they can do no wrong either and babies them ridiculously.
well this is the crux of your issue really. In the same way that if your DH encouraged poor behaviour in your child, even if you didn’t, you’re going to lose because of the mixed messages. If DSC mum and partner are supporting this too then even worse. You need a United front with your DH

then I would think about why this child is acting this way. And how can you counter that. Do they not get enough attention. Do they get too much. Are they insecure or anxious or just spoilt. Figure it out and counter it. You can only do that with DH though.
but if he doesn’t want to support you as a fellow parent but still expects you to have his children in your home and for you to parent them in anyway then you have other issues.

I went off my own biological kids between the ages of about 8 and about 11. Not little enough that the behaviour was still a bit cute and not quite old enough to rationalise with in some cases. Same with my god children, step kids and niblings! It’s a tough age in my experience. Forgive yourself for your feelings and try to let go of the idea that equal means the same - kids need different things, they are their own person. This stage may well be just that, a stage. Your interactions may well get easier with time

Some kids are arseholes. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t like some of them. You are not Jesus Christ who loves every single human on this planet, no matter how twatty they are.
I’m fed up of this narrative that if don’t like someone (especially a child) it is my fault because I don’t try hard enough to see the good/lovely in them. Well, I tried my best but didn’t work…not my fault that they are the way they are.

I do understand, I’ve found myself having less than charitable thoughts sometimes & I really don’t like myself for it. More the older child that I find difficult to enjoy. It’s the smallest of things, they are very demanding but things like Christmas & birthday or a trip, any treat really, I’ll work very hard (both time & finances) to make it magical but I’ve never heard a thank you for a gift unless their dad tells them to. I don’t think it’s malicious I just don’t think they think it. I keep reminding myself that I don’t give to receive thanks (though it would be nice) and they’re realistically too young to know what it’s like to work your ass off & then give up pots of the cash that it would have been nice to spend on yourself or the house, on them instead.
likewise with the eldests behaviour, they’re vile to the youngest who is a real sweetheart but I keep reminding myself, I had a younger sibling too who drove me round the bend & i try to be understanding & patient.
The oldest is a slob to be frank & it drives me mad finding underwear & socks everywhere not to mention food wrappers (food crumbs too) empty glasses & random forks, whereas the youngest knows where the wash basket, sink & bin live.
luckily for this grievance I was a slob at that age too, so perhaps I’m reaping what I sow here.
they are very good at complaining, criticising, wanting their own way no matter what but, but. There is very little I can do about this final point. They weren’t always this way & I keep telling myself it’s hormones, this isn’t forever, i don’t feel guilty about not absolutely adoring this child because sometimes they are really hard to like & I don’t have that biological maternal bond, but I really do my best to never let it show in my face. Lately i’ve been making more time to spend 1-1 with the eldest to try & find some common ground & enjoy their company, but it’s tough going, their social skills aren’t fantastic but I’ll keep plodding on & am looking forward to 10 years time when they’re hopefully able to put stuff in the bin, talk to people with manners & not slam doors & scream if it’s not their turn to pick the movie that night. God I do hope they aren’t still like this in 2033. & honestly I’m glad at least they’re not repressed, i was a melancholy teen myself who wouldn’t say boo to a goose & I’m glad (if I’m not grasping at straws here) that they can express them self?!

In a similar boat here.
Don’t feel bad - you’ve tried.
Some people just aren’t likeable.

Same here.

I’ve been in my DSC lives for 9 years. The younger boy (now 14) I have a great relationship with. The older girl (now 17) I can’t abide. I haven’t seen her for 2 years and we had to put a rule in place that she wasn’t to be in the house alone with me. It was just so painful to be alone with her.

Shes heavily influenced by her high conflict vitriolic mother.

She (SD) is moody, non communicative, manipulative, badly mannered, lacks empathy and won’t look me in the eye or talk to me.

After letting it upset me for years and trying so hard with her - I now don’t bother. I’m not wasting any more of my time & energy on her.

I beat myself up for years about not liking her (or rather the way she behaved) and having such a poor relationship with her (she’s a complete stranger to me). But relationships have to work both ways. I’ve come to realise she doesn’t want a relationship with me and that’s fine.

Look up the NACHO method of step parenting. When you disengage & stop caring the relief is immense.

I don't like mine either. Disgusting behaviour that I can't tolerate and finding it harder and harder to keep the peace for my husband's sake given some of the things she's said and done recently

My step kids have been allowed to be fussy eaters to the extend the youngest only eats generally the same three meals all the time and it’s always processed. Even when I cooked Christmas dinner the youngest had potato’s Yorkshire’s and meat. Will not eat veg.

At first I use to be fuming with my partner for allowing it as myself and my partner were both brought up to eat what’s for dinner or go hungry. My partner states he’s allowed to get away with it at mums so feels bad to cause an argument for the short time he’s got the kids. So now to overcome thing I have told my partner I’ll cook dinner for us and he can sort the kids out as it use to really annoy me when I’d take time cooking a nice meal and they wouldn’t even try it. Now that my partner sorts out their dinner and I sort out ours it no longer annoys me. However they’re both lovely kids bar the eating situation so I’ve not had it bad at all.

I literally can’t give a toss what other people’s children eat. They are not mine. If they were brought up to be fussy and eat junk, so then be it. It is not my health and life that’s going to be impacted by it. Let them and their lax parents bear the consequences later. I wash my hands.
I can offer them nice healthy food, I do my bit. But if they refuse to eat it, what do I care?
If mama feeds them junk, give them junk too so nobody can complain. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Try lovebombing and faking it till you make it. Spend some one on one time. Give them a privilege that’s just for them, not the younger or older kids. Make them feel loved even if you’ve mentally detached. They will change as they get older anyway.

As with many things with SC, that works only to the extent that it doesn’t impact on your choices (and your own children where applicable).

Absolutely not your circus. But when it’s on your lawn, it can affect you in various ways.

Sometimes when children suffer from rejection they do everything in their power to make others reject them fulfilling their thoughts about themselves. Unknowingly of course as they are only children. It's like they wear a t-shirt saying REJECT ME!! And that's what we want to do.
So as an adult your message loud and clear has to be NO l won't . So as much as possible be aware of that and do the opposite. This child was obviously younger when his dps broke up so possibly more impacted and needs unconditional love which will hopefully eventually break through. So in a nutshell don't give him what he deserves but what he needs.
Also 10 year old can get sullen but grow out of it.

This is the stupidest advice I’ve ever read regarding this subject. Why would anyone indulge a sulky brat?
Lovebombing them my ass..
Faking it till you make it Huh? You can’t fake love. Fake love stinks from a mile. Faking love is the biggest waste of energy and time. You know what they say? Love is like a fart. If you force it, it will be shit.
They will change as they get older anyway yeah, often for the worse.

@Monoprix to echo what you have said above - lovebombing is also warned against by stepmothers as all it does is increase the loyalty binds with their mum, and makes things far worse. Another area where well-meaning advice from non-stepparents can be actively harmful (even if well-meaning)

internally roll my eyes whenever they are around.

You think it's internal. It's not internal.

If there’s lovebombing to be done, it’s generally far more appropriate for one of the parents to do it.

Being lovebombed by a stepparent is likely to exacerbate many problems. Often the best thing a SP can do is to step back while the child’s parent steps forward./

It helps if the parent understands that it’s hard to like a child who is behaving like this and it’s not nice living in a situation where children are trying to reject you. Too often, the parent misinterprets the SP stepping back and blames that for how the child is feeling. But, in many cases, it makes no difference what the SP does because it’s not really about them. The child needs help with their feelings about their family situation (or something else). And they need it from their parents.

There’s always one.

There’s no way you can know this, even if ‘I had an evil SM who hated me and I knew it’ is what you’re about to come out with next.

@DrMarciaFieldstone

There aren't many people who can disguise contempt effectively and continually.

I think most people have been in a situation where someone's been "internally" rolling their eyes at you, and no matter how sophisticated the eye roller felt they were being, it was definitely noticed.

Children aren't stupid, contrary to common belief.

I get what you’re saying but when you’re cooking a meal for a family and they don’t even try it that can be frustrating 😂

Loving your step kids isn’t automatic, they are after all the product of your partner’s previous relationship and a constant reminder of his ex, who’s also hanging around in the background in a shared custody situation. So firstly let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for taking on someone else’s kids. My youngest step son put us through 6 years of teenage hell, culminating in my house being raided by the drug squad because he fancied himself as a gangster. Both my husband and I stuck by him, even when his own Mother gave up and moved away. He moved out 2 years ago but it’s still not an easy relationship and I felt I was always walking on eggshells. Recently there was a situation where we felt he’d lied to us again and we had words. I was upset for precisely one day, previously I’d have been upset for days obsessing and trying to make amends, constantly berating myself as ‘not a good enough step parent’ but I’m sick of tiptoeing round him in case he falls out with us. He broke the relationship with us so unfortunately has to accept the fact that we still treat him with suspicion, especially when he says things that don’t add up! I feel it’s been cathartic for me to let go - he’s out of sight out of mind until he matures, and that’s coming from his Dad who although he loves him is protective of me and our future together. As for his elder brother, brought up the same, not one spot of bother, we have a great relationship with him. Sometimes you have to look at yourself as a parent, step parent, guardian etc and think well I did everything I could, I did my best. They are individuals and they’ll be who they are, not our fault if they make bad choices - and I’ve felt so much better since accepting that! Self preservation, I’m just human too.