Exh refusing to return DD for another day

[helplesshopeless]

Posted this on the divorce board but maybe this is better placed here.

My exh is threatening to keep my daughter another night tomorrow (she is at his 6/14 nights and comes back to me on Sunday nights after his weekend).

He says if I come to pick her up he will call the police. What’s the best way to deal with this? I don’t want to unsettle her by turning up at his but I can’t let him just decide to change the pattern. She's expecting to come back to me for dinner tomorrow as normal. How do I go about this wisely? Do I just file for a court order if he doesn't bring her back?

He has PR so the police won't be interested if I call.

@Sellorkeep agree with you as posters post these issues in lone parents, relationships, divorce/separating, legal issues and AIBU.

AIBU is the worst place to post these issues in, while those posting in lone parents and divorce/separating don't get other perspectives in their answers.

Oddly I don't think I've seen these issues posted in parenting, which is where they actually fit.

OP - you are being given a v hard time by some bitter people.

Yes you have a right to be concerned - an agreement is in place and he is unilaterally breaking it - unacceptable.
Circumstances have changed as she is now in school - then he sits down with you and you both work out a new plan. The old one worked fine for both of you.

It is after all about the child - the language of his fair share is all about him not his child.
Well done for staying neutrl - it is bloody hard when provoked.
Time for court, I think and you realising he may get 50/50 but sounds like a formal agreement to secondary school age will be needed.

Good Luck - it is hard when you have done the hard work and then the other person starts demanding in an unpleasant manner a change. He does not have his daughters best interests at haeart if he goes about it thisway

Yes you have a right to be concerned - an agreement is in place and he is unilaterally breaking it - unacceptable.

It's not an agreement if one party isn't agreeing. Circumstances have changed since she started school. There's no point going to court if he's going to end up with the extra day anyway.

I think in the middle of this is a 5 year old child that has expressed a preference of being with her mum.
If my DC were told they were going home/ to their mums on Sunday and without warning it was changed to Monday they would find it very unsettling and anxiety provoking.
They need routine, consistency and boundaries not being used as a way for dad to get one over on mum.
It sounds like controlling behaviour OP, I would see a solicitor for advice.
He's nearly at 50/50 anyway and if he gets that perhaps you can have a formal agreement of set days so you all know where you are.
He's being unreasonable not to bring her home as agreed unless both you and DD are amenable, he should be asking you not telling. You are right to try and hold a boundary , I would consider being less willing to accommodate any future changes he asks for due to his work commitments / holidays etc

Good chat -they did have an agreement in place because the DF could not look after the child when not in nursery as he was working.
So there was agreement - don't see OP saying he went part time to facilitate this - she did. One side of the agreement wants to change then he acts like a bloody adult and sits down and talks about it - you do not do what he ahs done.
Situation has changed now needs renegotiation - no issue with that.

You have to have this all documented and keep records.
Be polite and remember everything that you write will be read by judge.
Write to him and say that you had agreed a schedule - detail the schedule- and that he cannot just change the arrangment at short notice. Tell him that he should bring her back..

He will say no.

Then you can state that you are not happy with the situation because your child needs CONSISTENCY in her routine. Then if he doesn't bring her back, text him and say WHAT TIME WILL YOU BRING HER BACK IN THE MORNING.

With this, you can go back to your solicitor to ask him to write to his solicitor that he broke the agreement.

There is no point going round and creating a scene if she is not in any danger.

Op, I feel for you.

I also don't think that 50:50 custody is necessarily the best thing for young children, especially if the mother has done the vast majority of looking after them in their short lives.

I'd email/text your h asking him to return dd at the agreed time, so you have a record of it if he doesn't. He's not acting in your DD's best interests here. He's also trying on parental alienation.

I'd see a solicitor and tell them all this, see what your options are - and what is best for dd.

Why are some men such cunts??

Unfortunately you are right that the police won’t be interested as you both have PR - they’ll advise you to go to family court. If he’s doing things like this, I’d get a court order ASAP. It may mean that you have to compromise though because 50-50 is common where there is no reason not to award it.

after getting all the messages as evidence, get your solicitor to write him a letter to warn him not to do it again and that if he does you will get a court order.
Then you appear to be the reasonable person.
Then next time he does it again you have supporting evidence for the court and that he was warned.

Been there, done that.

What is best for the child and what appears fair to the parents are not the same things. It may best for the child to have more time with the mother.

If he had 50/50 then he would have been responsible for childcare on his day. It may have been the pattern you fell into but he could have had an extra day and you could have worked an extra day.

I don't agree with him just refusing to return her despite an agreement via mediation.

But I've never been one to be against 50/50 from a young age as both parents should and could parent their child - separated or living in the same home.

@itsgettingweird I agree. Don’t agree with him not returning her, but 50-50 isn’t inherently bad for young kids. It depends on each individual situation. Also people always go on about the Dad who wants 50-50 so they don’t have to pay maintenance, but there are also a lot of Mums (including one of my in laws 🙈) who don’t want 50-50 because with 50-50 the excuses not to work for “childcare reasons” dwindle by 50%.

Hi everyone. This thread will soon be closed as there is a duplicate thread in existence. If you wish to continue commenting, please find it here. Many thanks, MHHQ