Strick visitation days count by teenage SD

[Anuta77]

This is just by curiosity. SD is now 16, but its been like that for several years (before she would at least spend every other week with us in the summer, because her mother was working and couldnt stay with her and that stopped when she was 11 and would stay home alone).

She comes EOW, NOT EVER A DAY MORE. Not even on vacations. Everything is strictly calculated. However, sometimes her mother makes plans with her on her visitation day and she misses it without problems, which is fine, its not the army, people should be flexible in life. Nobody here feels that theres a need to compensate for missing a day with us.

Just to say that we have a very good relationship and she adores her little brother, we try to do things that she likes, so it shouldn`t be so bad.

HOWEVER, if sometimes her mother decides to switch weekends (she always wants SD with her for new year), that could mean that SD has to be with us 2 weekends in the row and when that happens, she ALWAYS needs to compensate by staying 2 weekends in the row with her mother. She lives full time with her mother and sees her every day...

This year, she spent a whole week (!) with us on vacation because her mother went on a romantic vacation with her boyfriend and SD would have been alone the whole week including on new year. She stayed with us and looked happy as usual. We even made plans with her boyfriend and invited him. She came on a Sat and left next Sun morning as soon as her mother arrived. So that makes 2 weekends that she spent with us. We didnt count, but now she announced to her father at the last minute that she wants to spend 2 weekends with her mother. Shes been with her mother for that past 2 weeks every day and she will not see us for 3 weeks because of this change, not to mention that we do plan our weekends depending on whether shes with us or not and it now changed several things. Not her problem, but is it normal to calculate days in such strict accounting manner? This summer she was on vacation with her mother for 2 weeks, which meant that she missed a weekend with us and didnt come for 3 or 4 weeks and nobody felt the need to compensate. And she always asks my 5 year old son if he misses her, but apparently it has to be one way only.

Forgot to say that we couldnt do one activity she wanted to do on vacations because of the weather and I was planning to do it this weekend because she was coming. Its a winter activity that her mother doesnt do with her, shes not into winter sports, so it`s either with us or nothing, which is too bad.

Odd first post. The copy and paste needs work.

That's written like a ransom note!

Well it sounds like she's doing it because she she would prefer to be there and views being at yours as a bit of a chore. I don't mean that to sound harsh, I think it's probably pretty standard for SC with a "main" home.

And she always asks my 5 year old son if he misses her, but apparently it has to be one way only.

At her age I would speak to her about this, though. It's upsetting for small children missing people, so if she wants flexibility and to cancel coming frequently then she needs to not be prompting him to feel that way, it's cruel.

Apologies but I found it very difficult to read your post with the formatting. Why does it bother you when she stays, if she's staying less with you is that an issue for you?

@Yesthatismychildsigh, @ICanHideButICantRun I find your comments just as strange as you don`t reply to the actual post, but assume that I put this strange mix of fonts, but in reality it was done automatically and myself I was surprised.

Try and see it as your stepdaughters life, a whole entire life. Not a cake to be divided between her parents who need to get their share.

@aSofaNearYou I totally understand that it must be inconvenient to be staying over the weekend with another parent on set days, but then, it could be flexible both ways. I see and read about tons of teenagers who manage to spend time with both of their parents. I guess they come when they want and she could do the same, but for some reason, if she misses time with her mother, she feels like she has to be there. In reality, when shes with us, she barely wants to do anything other than being on her screens and the couple of winter activities she likes, her mother doesnt do (heck, all these years, she didnt buy her ice skates, nor does she has a snow suit, its me who lands her mine when she wants to do something), as my DP tells me, she does the same in her house...

I understand SDs mum not giving you the time back - yanbu but it isn't clear if SD wants the time compensated?

@lunar1 I agree that shes not a cake to be divided, but she herself apparently feels like that when it comes to her mother. As for me, I try to plan activities that she might enjoy (I have a 5 year old and a 15 year old, so its not easy to cater to everyone) and when she cancels at the last minute for a strange reason (its not like it was some activity with friends), it changes our plans as well. But when I dont plan anything, then shes probably bored, but I cant plan when things are unpredictable.

P.S. I don`t understand why my posts have this strange formatting.

I’m sure you can always try doing spur of moment things though, not everything needs to be planned.

Hi OP,

The formatting looks like it's because of the apostrophes you're using. If you use the one on the right of the keyboard (same key as the @ symbol) you should be alright.

Using the one at the top left of the keyboard will give you the weird formatting.

So: -

'This should be fine'

This one will look weird

Carry on with your plan. Why should your 5 year old miss out.

Just carry on with your normal plans for your 5 year old and she'll just have to fit in

Does she have her room at your house? X

Of course she does. My 5 year old doesn`t, but she does.

What? Why not? Your 5 year old should have a room, especially if she's not coming often.

Why do you care at all?
Perhaps it’s financial and her Dad only pays if it’s more at mums than dads?

She prefers time with her mother. Totally normal.

We have a 3 bedroom house and my teenage son lives with us full time. SD had her room before our 5 year old was born and while DS was a baby, he was with us. We have a big bedroom, so I put his bed on one side of it separated by a curtain and recently I bought a high bed for SD, so DS can at least have his toys under this high bed. But yes, he started school this year and he does his homework on a coffee table in the livingroom. Ill need to find a better solution, but for now its like that.

Yea, but about all these children who are in 50-50 custody? My DP told me if we separate, he will have our 5 year old son in 50-50 custody, I guess precisely to make sure that he doesnt prefer me, which he clearly does right now.

I would definitely be looking at changing things around so he has the bedroom, even if he vacates it when she comes to stay. He needs his own room, he's there far more than her.