Step Mums who had their own Step Mums- need your perspective

[DoristheDuchess]

I'm a step mum, have been for 15+ years. I had my own step mum growing up. I also have my own children.

In recent years, I have become more and more angry with my step mum and how she treated me growing up. The deliberate things she did to make me feel not welcome, the inappropriateness of her behaviour and the rewriting of history to constantly gaslight those around her. I'm also angry at my dad for being too weak to stand up and put a stop to it.

We are still in contact with them as they are the only GPs left. But I've started to notice some of the same behaviour being played out in front of my kids.

Going NC isn't an option, my dad now has a degenerative condition so don't want to have a big fall out. I'm managing the situation as best I can and have gone LC.

But my anger towards her is just raging inside. I would never ever treat my stepkids the same way and I know my DH would be the first to pull me up if I behaved in the same way as she did and rightly so!

I'm in perimenopause so it's probably not helping! but all I can see is the damage she has done and yet she hides behind this religious piety pretending to be a good person. Its so hypocritical.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation?

@DoristheDuchess so I'm a step mum and was a step kid.

Can you expand a little more on these behaviours?

I'm so sorry about your dad it must be v v hard.

Thing is if sm was truly evil (and I can't say either way based on what you have put), your dad as the parent should have been pulling her up on it. He didn't have a gun so that his had to stay with her, he felt she was doing something wrong he could have pulled her up on it or took you kids and leave. He had parental control at the time. I know considering your dad condition it seems harsh for me to say this but a lot of peace came to me when I went to a therapist and they said I think your angry at the wrong person.

Secondly now your a adult, I think viewing the situation from a adult lens has a benefit of you having more control over what you will and won't stand for.

Side question but how do you find sm life ? Generally are you supported ?

Btw most people go slightly mad being pre menopausal but it does get better. My poor sister was a angry little cotton ball for a long while. But that was because she felt generally unsupported by her partner and it was coming out as anger.

Personally I think my sisters DH is a twat but we are where we are. So to speak.

You're right and I do accept that he was the parent and should have stepped up. I'm angry with him but as you say, it's hard to voice that anger now he has this condition. But the anger at him is still there with no where to go.

There are so many examples over 30 years of her behaviour. As I look back through today's view I guess it would be emotional abuse towards my dad, but that doesn't make it okay that he allowed it to spill over to his child.

One of the many reasons I am angry at her is because she was verbally abusive to dad and used me as ammunition in spitting out bile. I remember her going full throttle at him over the dinner table numerous times about how he loved his daughter more than her and how his wife should be first. I was a small child listening to this. It was like she wanted him to side with her and publicly put me in my place. She'd say snide comments to me that made me feel very uncomfortable. This went on for quite a few years, the verbal abuse. He just looked cowed. Interestingly she wouldn't do it when anyone else was there.

There were no pictures of me anywhere in the lounge, only those of her child. He had to hide his pictures away. I slept on the sofa bed when I 'visited' and whenever dad and I spoke on the phone it had to be on speaker phone so she could listen and talk over him. He took to phoning when she wasn't there.

Their engagement and wedding was horrible. Engagement announced in front of everyone in the family and I (as a small child) was expected to just smile whilst she flashed her diamond ring under my nose and told me to congratulate her, whilst her daughter was all excited and had clearly been told what was going on. I was just in shock. It felt like she was trying to provoke a reaction. I just remember choking down tears, trying to eat a roast potato and trying not to cry. My grandparents were furious with her behaviour and had very harsh words. I remember my nan coming up afterwards giving me a hug and just saying are you alright. I think I have a lot of anger at him for allowing that to happen.

She's always been quite inappropriate about what she shares and just says anything, always has. Talking about affairs she's had with married men at a kids party, to the point where other guests said to me WTF! My step sister is a result of an affair but that's a whole other story! Think she resented her daughters dad not being around.

There's loads and loads of examples over the years. But it was pretty horrible and I can hand on heart say I've gone in a completely different direction with my own step kids, to the point I'm almost terrified of making them feel unwanted.

I see that he was the grown up who was supposed to protect me as a child but didn't. He let me down, no doubt about that. She was awful at times though and there's no excusing that either. As I got into adulthood she soften more. But in recent years, since I've had kids it's starting rearing it's head again. Dad has GC, she doesn't and won't. I feel sorry for her as she wants them but it's not my fault.

I guess the thing that's triggered me recently though is her rewriting history, saying what a great childhood I had. Didn't they do the best for me. I've been very restrained and said ' it's complicated', to which they looked a bit shocked.

Being a step mum and a mum myself has made me really reevaluate everything. I don't think it's all peri menopause but more a sudden realisation that I now have a voice, I'm not that little kid trying to choke back tears. Yet now I have no where to release that anger.

Wow that was long!

I’m not a Step mum, and I was an adult when my father remarried, so I don’t consider his wife to be my step mum. But I’m currently having therapy for the drama around my parents separation and my father’s remarriage.

My therapist asked me if I was angry with my “stepmum”, and if so, why her and not my dad. On reflection, I’m angry with them both, but my negative feelings about my dad are balanced by at least some positive ones, whereas I don’t love my step mum so there is nothing to balance it.

I really thought I was “over” all the hurt that was caused, it is now more than 10 years ago. But actually, my feelings were never resolved, and now I’m addressing them in counselling. I really recommend it!

Forgot to add, I actually enjoy being a step mum. Both have grown into amazing young adults and are really lovely big siblings to my kids. So thankful for how kind and thoughtful they are.

Have you looked into EMDR to help support your feelings on all this? I’m having it for childhood trauma and it’s resulting cPTSD and it’s been amazing so far.

Sounds like your dad was abused by his wife and didn't feel able to get out of that relationship. By extension his abuser, abused you.

I've never heard of this before thank you. If you don't mind me asking, how did you come to be diagnosed with cPTSD?

I think therapy would be useful but equally I'm scared of letting the genie out of the bottle whilst my dad is still alive. There will be no big heart to heart here, just me left with more anger and emotions. I can see what's going to happen, my SM will become more and more dominating as he declines. At the moment she's trying to establish herself as matriarch of the family through whom all information gets passed. This hasn't worked as I've just ignored her attempts to pry or get attention.

He still phones me in secret when she's out.

I've tried to tell him over the years that I think he's being abused but he won't listen. For him its gone passed the point of no return. Its really sad to watch but there's nothing I can do. Honestly, once my dad passes I'll go completely NC.

I think there is utility in address this in counselling while your father is still alive. Grief is a huge burden, and anything you can do now to support yourself Will our off later. Also preemptive grief is a thing, and it sounds like some of your current emotions may be linked to that.

I'm not a stepmum or stepchild...but I wanted to say I'm sorry for what you went through at the hands of your SM. She's a rather sad person.

Your dad was a victim of abuse. He was abused by your SM and in turn allowed her to abuse you.

I find people (usually other SMs) will tell you that your anger is misdirected and that it's your dad's fault. This is really victim blaming. By blaming people in your dad's position, it deflects from the stepmother.

Just because she was an awful person, doesn't mean every SM is... so this need to bring it back to your dad when he was being abused is wrong. She is clearly a controlling and insecure person, if he can't talk to you without being on speakerphone. Not to talk about her crazy outburst when you were a child. She sounds unhinged.

I would say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep an eye on her for your dad's sake

Don't let her get close to your kids and try to play granny of the year. Protect them, but don't make it too obvious, as she sounds like the type of person who would take it out in your dad...especially not he's so vulnerable.

If your able to have your dad over to your house without her occasionally, then do that. You could frame it as giving her a break.

SM and stepchild here. My SM was more on the side of the angels, but absolutely not perfect! She took my Dad on with a clutch of young children, SEN included, so he always felt indebted to her, and perhaps let her have her way sometimes when he should have stepped up. However, it was SM that brought the happy stuff, mostly. My early childhood (before SM) was both highly traumatic and tragic - so SM took on a caseload, she really did. I've had my grievances, she's apologised for some of it, 'forgotten' some of it - similar to an actual parent, I'd guess.

Some mixed feelings still, but SM is the one person in real life that I can talk it all out with when I hit the buffers with the (adult) DSC. I hear you about counselling - I resisted it for years, worried that I'd be completely incapacitated by all the emotion I'd stuffed in a locked cupboard over the years. If you can find someone you trust, it would help with the anger load - better to get it out in therapy than end up dumping it on your children, inadvertently.

Once your DF passes she’ll have no link to you and will have to find other people to try to lord it over. So there’s that.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words. It feels so liberating being able to talk about it all. I was really nervous about posting, mainly because it's only recently I've really started to open up about all this and I thought people might say that it wasn't that bad and what am I moaning about.

I've told everything to my DH and he has been really supportive. Tbh he has never liked my SM and has seen some of this behaviour, he shuts her down whenever she starts acting like a child, which she doesn't like. Honestly, she talks like a child sometimes to get what she wants! she'll say it's a joke to brush it off if challenged but it's a weird thing to see.

He would happily go NC if possible but the kids like spending time with her because she plays with them. Although granny of the year comment from a PP has struck a chord. She never did anything like that with me or even tried to, so makes me wonder ... She seems very keen on taking photos of the kids to share with her friends and gets annoyed when I say enough! she makes a real fuss if she can't get the picture she wants.

I think pre emptive grief could be right, that feels like it could be what's happening. I need to look into that.

It's not unusual to fear going into therapy/counselling because the emotions feel so unmanageable. But in a decent therapy relationship, there is somewhere for it all to go - you can have a place to talk about it.

Hi, i'.m not a step mum but my mum had one. The damaged caused to my mum is immense. Her feelings definitely needed councilling. Her step mum always treated her less than her own daughter, and my mum was adopted by her dad and her adoptive mum (before she passed away). So there are additional feelings there.

Unfortunately her SM passed when my mum was about 20, my grandfather passed when I was young. So I've only ever heard my mums versions. But she has been massively impacted and has very low self esteem. These days she would have got lots of support for all the traumas and then the other behaviours would gave been worked through.

For your sake you should get some councilling to work through your feelings. Keeping it all inside is not healthy for you.

I had a wicked evil stepmom. Very abusive, very psychologically damaging, terrifying woman. To the opinion of all adults around at the time, she was a spoilt, bad tempered brat who kicked off if she didn't get her way. To her own children she was overbearing but motherly. To her stepdaughters, she was vile. Absolutely awful. She has given me lifelong body complexes and a fear of smiling in photos or ever being heard singing along to something. My sisters have physical scars from her.

My dad was there. That he did nothing doesn't mean he was weak. It means he condoned it. He put his want for her far ahead of his children's need of a happy and safe childhood. He himself was physically abusive, but she was psychologically so- and so deeply and nastily that it's still on my mind and my sisters minds 25 years later. He let her terrorise and belittle and demean and body shame with impunity, so as far as I'm concerned, he was complicit.

Your dad wasn't blind. And he wasn't scared. He knew what she was doing and he was ok with it. That's the bit that hurts most. You would never treat any children that way, but he sat back and let someone treat his own like that. Because losing her was worse in his eyes than what she was doing to you. I'm sorry, it's a horrible thing.

Op - what you described isn't just nastiness. It's abuse. Which is incredibly different from the usual discussions on here, so I withdraw my previous comment re dad as it's not applicable here.
He was and remains in a abusive relationship.

This wasn't dad stepping out but surviving. Of course though that doesn't mean you or him are to blame but if you are cross at him it's understandable because your looking at the situation as a adult going wtf.

I'm sure on a level you know this, but people on the receiving end of this often don't like to say the word abuse (because it unleashes a whole box of skeletons) and often trained into minimising it.

The term abuse shouldn't be used lightly (I work with abuse victims) but it is appropriate here based on your reply . Firstly and most importantly I think you need to grieve for the kid who deserved not to witness this, for the life your dad should have had.

I echo others that say counselling should help you process thing. It doesn't mean you will be ok with any of this, it just gives you space to process what happened which often is what needs to happen.

Anger as a emotion is a protecting factor, it's got energy. Use that energy to push yourself into action. Not for your dad (sadly you can't help him) but you can get help for yourself.

I had a SM from the age of 3, my father took me away from my alcoholic mother. I don't think my dad wanted to be a father so I was always with SM. It was OK til she had kids. Its only now that I'm older that I look back and see how I was treated in comparison to her kids. It makes me sad and angry. My dad died when I was 18 and I have no other bio family, I don't really have a bond with SM like she has with her kids. I've helped my half bro and sisters over the years but they don't help me. I find it all very sad tbh.

Stepmum and stepdaughter here.

My Stepmum actually protected me from my dad, she was wonderful in lots of ways. She never had her own children, maybe that would have changed things.

She was my inspiration and I used my experiences with her to make me a better Stepmum.

Sorry you had a bad experience. I wanted to comment to say that it's not always bad, Stepmums often get a bad reputation and looking at comments here it's easy to see why. I also had a lovely stepdad. I consider myself very lucky.

One problem with having a really bad experience with a step-parent is that it leaves women very vulnerable to over-compensating later. Life has a habit of forcing us into roles, whether we like it or not. (Terry Pratchett made great use of this in his fantasy novels).

So if you're not playing the Wicked Step Mother, then what role do you play? Are you playing the Good Fairy instead, with endless resources, endless patience, endless good humour? You may then end up in therapy with burnout, because the Good Fairy role isn't a role for a human being. All the while you're pushing yourself to the limits to fill the role of a character with no limits, all this anger is boiling below the surface, trying to force it's way out. One day it will, and someone will get burnt badly with the scalding steam.

The boiling over point is a really good one. It's a risk either way. if you have therapy because of past trauma caused by one person, how do you then deal with seeing that person again? You know you're never going to say all you want to them, but you've identified the damage they've done. I'm worried that I'll stirr the emotion up and then a tiny thing will make me explode at them.

Equally if I don't then the same thing could happen. It's a dilemma.

As a step mum myself, I take the point about trying to be a fairy godmother. I'd like to think I didn't get drawn into that. I just really took a step back and enabled my DH to spend a lot of one-on-one time with his kids, so they built up their relationship, which is really good. Don't get me wrong there's times that drove me potty, but I was very lucky that DH listened to concerns I had, so I didn't feel unsupported. We were and are a team so I feel really lucky in that respect.

I'd also like to add, the reason I posted this on here wasn't to bash any step mums, that would be wrong. It's more that step families have very complex dynamics, that are very different from a routine family setup. I think the emotional power balance can become twisted, which creates some very long shadows in later life. So it's difficult to explain that to people who haven't experienced it. I felt this board would have insight into that situation and I've been really touched by the wonderful support you've all given.💐

My half brothers and sisters don't understand my grievance because it's their mother and I can't say what I want to say as I'll upset everyone. I didnt ask to be in that situation, I was put in it.

I self referred to NHS counselling service after a chat with GO. I had private counselling in the past which had helped but I was falling off an emotional cliff in my mid 40s. I was advised that anything cognitive therapy based was likely to exacerbate things for me as I was already very cognitively aware and it was the emotional side and the childhood trauma that I needed help with. It has changed my life.m doing EDMR and it is up to you how much you delve.
Good luck with it all.