Mum’s husband

[BlindMum]

I am a stepmum myself, and try to do my best(facing some issues but another story stor)

I am also a step child. I became a step child when I was 23 we have never lived together as I had already moved out by then my mum said she was happy so all is fine.

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever really got on with my mum’s husband, but I have always tried to be civil, as like, I said she’s happy and I don’t have to live with him so not my problem

when I moved further away to live with my now husband, she would come and visit once a month. No problem she would stay for dinner and we would have a good catch up. Husband never came as he was always working or with his own kids.

Since I had my son 3 now my mum has tried to come once every two weeks so she can see him but over the last year or so she’s not been able to visit as her husband has told her he has plans the morning. She plans to visit us or when she gets here, he will ring with some sort of emergency where she has to travel back again, this is a 90 minute journey each way.

Personally, I think it’s old as she always seems so upset that she has to leave. My husband thinks it’s jealousy, but I really don’t know how could a grown adult be jealous of a toddler?

I had this with my stepdad (came on the scene when I was late teens and had left home). I don't have DCs so it wasn't that, but things like:

Arrange to meet mum for shopping and lunch, get to lunchtime and she says she's not eating as she has to go home and make his dinner and eat with him, so can we just have a coffee instead

Arrange to go for a day out, I get to their house (I lived 100 miles away), and she says we can't go for the day out as he has a friend coming round to watch the rugby and she has to be on hand in case they need snacks!

She seemed to think this was perfectly reasonable whenever I challenged her on it! It was a very strange relationship, they both seemed very happy and he as very kind and good to her in a lot of ways (he's dead now), but it was very much based around his needs/wants being met before anyone else's came into consideration. He was a lot older than her, and domestically useless, and I think that came into it a lot (i.e. he's a man so there isn't any way he could possibly be expected to cook his own dinner!)

I wonder if it's not jealousy of your toddler as such, but that your mum seems really happy / excited when she's seen you both and he's jealous of that. It's very manipulative and controlling what he's doing though, just like my stepdad.

@Sparklefoof your spot on the situations seems very similar I think you ok to something about the manipulation and controlling but when I talk to her she just says she is happy so I remind her we always have a bedroom for her here

My stepdad is similar - my mum used to visit me regularly (once a year anyway) on her own but for last few years she won't leave the house without him as he always kicks up a fuss if she does. It used to really upset me but now I just swallow it and try and keep the communication flowing in other ways. Not easy though...

You and your son should take priority over a grown man's whims.
I hope she has fixed her will to make sure you inherit after she passes on (even though this is not now), and not some second spouse that you don't really care for. You were in her life long before him and are flesh and blood.

This does sound a bit odd. What happens when you go to visit her?

My step dad is exactly the same. Absolute twat. Married DM when I was in my 20s. Refused to come to a Xmas meal at ours so DM came alone! He doesn’t like me cos I see through his misogynistic ways and call him out on his bigotry. It’s split the family in two and my DC rarely see him and see DM a lot less than I thought they would. However, I refuse to pander to it all. DM is making her own choices and if she chooses to put him above her own DC and DGC, that’s up to her!

But surely dm just says her plans are valid also? She is enabling him to be a cunt...

I had a sm if I can call her that, as my dad lived with her in another country and I was already a grown up. So when me and/or my sister would visit, which was once a year of less, she would always be present or had some need that had to be satisfied by my dad. Once I was leaving the country and didnt say bye to her and he would be calling me almost begging me to do it by phone. Anyways, he passed suddenly and their apparentment was left to her and her daugher (about my age who by coincidence had the same name). It wasnt worth much most probably, but the symbolism of it is sad. I do think it`s controlling eventhough he seemed happier than with my mom. This wife did take care of him and that was the most important.