How Long Until partner should tell his younger son about me? Dating 2 years

[MooCow73]

I have been dating my partner for two years now at Christmas. I have two daughters now aged 18 and 20 who have always been aware of him and I's relationship, firstly as friends then as things progressed as partners. Just to set the background my ex has behaved appallingly since I split from him 3 years ago with help of a non molestation order and in the last 3 years has been convicted of harassment of me 12 times. And a 5 year restraining order is in place.
Because of my ex and my situation my new partner does not come to our house as my ex is extremely unpredictable and currently I am still typing to reach settlement on buying him our of our house. We both felt it inappropriate as the house was technically half his and for the sake of my daughters too until we were sure. But to be honest I never though it would take years to sort out.
My new partner has two boys by two different mothers currently aged 16 and 10. The 16 year old son I see and he is often at home when I am there and stay over and we have a good relationship. However the 10 year old I haven't met. This never bothered me previously as he was only 8 when we were first dating, however I now feel that two years later maybe we could meet? I don't want to upset their dynamic in anyway and I am more than chilled about my partner spending plenty of time with his sons without me needing to be there however I feel that everyone else in his life knows about me - family, work people, friends but I can never be part of anything that his younger son will be attending as he knows nothing about me. I feel personally he should at least be talking about me as one of his friends so that the boy gets to be familiar with my name etc.
To further complicate things my new partner has a 3rd son who he does not see. Not by choice. His ex girlfriend got pregnant and let him know by text message weeks after they had broken up. Social services were involved and my ex tried going to court to get some sort of custody of the child so that once it was born he would be able to see him as he has shared custody with his other two children who both have different mothers. He absolutely adores his sons and is a great father by the way. This girl has some mental issues and he was not granted access to the child so pays for it but has never even met it as she won't allow it.
I know that this ex (mother of his 3rd child) was allowed to meet both his boys when he was dating her (they dated for around a year max with some breakups) and he really regrets this. He said he let her be around the boys way too early which he regrets. So Initially I was more than happy to stand back regarding meeting this children as I totally get his kids are younger than mine and they must come first. We haven't argued about this or anything however I am just wondering what other peoples opinions are? Part of me feels after two years he can't really love me if he doesn't want me in this sons life. Yet he is always talking to me about him as if I know him and sends pictures etc and asks my advice and opinion about him, tells me about his mother when they disagree etc. I even pick his Christmas gifts! Nothing is hidden from me about this kid, but I know he is worried his sons mother will play up when she knows I am in the picture. She often gives the child grief about other things and he is quite anxious about being away from his dad when he goes to his mums house. However the reality is she probably knows he dates me as it is a small town and everyone else knows as it has been 2 years!
Would it be unreasonable to suggest that maybe this year my partner actually addresses this issue and lets him know I exist? Or should I wait indefinitely until he suggests something? I don't want to waste the next two years in the shadows if you understand but I really love this guy.
Furthermore the 10year old son does not know about his little brother who he has never met. The older son knows about this brother and has always known as he knew the ex girlfriend so was told she was pregnant as he was 11 at the time. The 3rd child is now turning 5 this spring and my partners 10 year old knows nothing about him and I know my partner is tortured about how to tell him so I have always felt I don't want to put any more pressure on him about me getting to know him as he has this other issue to contend with.
What do other people think? I"m just looking for any advice please maybe if you have been in a similar step type situation as I have no experience of dating since I had my children.

Your lives sound quite full on and slightly complicated. However, 2 years is a long enough time to know if you're committed to the other person and it's definitely enough time for people in his life to meet you if that's where you both are headed.

I can see he feels burned by the past and protective of his son but that's an issue he has to work on.

I think you have to have a sit down with him and talk about it - you seem to have a gentle and considerate approach to this, so I wouldn't worry that you're pressuring him. It is time to have that talk and I belueve he does owe you some answers at this point. What he says will tell you where you stand.

What court has decided a perfect decent man can not see his own child?

I do not believe this.

The girl was ‘mental’ was she? So why didn’t he gain full custody?

I don’t buy this shit for one second - yet you do?

two years and you haven’t met both children? Weird as heck- not too soon but a think a brief introduction about 6 months as a ‘friend’ seems normal and then definitely by a year. Two years? No plans to live together. It’s just weird.

As someone who is going through the family court, you are highly naive. The courts simply don't allow a father no access unless there are serious safeguarding concerns which threaten the child emotionally or physically.. Even then they would be granted supervision. I wouldn't be so gullible.

I can understand he was reluctant at first however, after 2 years I would be thinking about maybe moving in together etc within the next year or so. You can't spring a relationship on a child then move the woman in. I would definitely sit down with your partner and try and gauge a timeframe for this.

As for the custody arrangements of the 3rd child. No judge would not allow access to a decent man wanting a relationship with his child. I would of thought there's more to this and I would be questioning him on this. Courts are always keen for both parents to be in a child's life. If he was rejected 5 years ago, maybe it's time he goes back? If it was me, I would have to returned to the court once the baby was born and not given up!

Good luck

The third child scenario doesn't ring true at all. There's either safeguarding issues or he's walked away. No court would deny access without very good reason. Does he definitely have unsupervised access to the 10 year old? Could this by why you're not allowed to meet him because there is more to that one too?

Alarm bells are ringing OP.
I doubt he is being honest with you and telling you a version that suits him better.
I would definitely do a check on his background if you haven't already done one.

Sorry but he is not being honest with you.

Going to court to get 'some sort of custody' before a child is born is not a thing. The most likely scenario is that the relationship with the ex was difficult and he walked away.

He's a shit dad and he's using you.

I was going to say precisely this.

This is so complicated. Amazed you aren't pregnant yet the rate he's seeing his oats! There is more to this, much more...

So one ex will 'play up' if her child meets you, and another child's mum, who has mental health difficulties was able to prevent your boyfriend having any contact.

This just doesn't happen with no reason.

Run away now.

Either your new bf is abusive, his 16 year old son has behavioural issues around other children, or both.

As PP gave pointed out the Family Court would not prevent a parent from seeing their child at all unless there were safe guarding issues. The level you have to meet is low.

If your bf is only seeing the 10 year old under supervised access/away from his house but the 16 year old has been living with him for two years, then the person in the household with problems may not be who you think.

The Family Court likes full and half siblings to know one another.

If 2 years isn’t long enough then no time will ever be. The story with the youngest there has to be more to it.

OMG what a mess. I wouldn't want to be with a man with three kids with three different women before you throw all of the other dubious stuff in. I'd be outa there if I were you.

Thanks for all your comments. He has full 50/50 custody of both of his older sons totally normal with no supervision or social services input etc. Both kids are free to come and go as they please between him and their mums houses. He is always keen that the boys get to spend as much time together as brothers as possible. The third child issue I was told that all it took was for the pregnant girlfriend to say he is a threat to her unborn child and he was out of the picture. As I say I have no experience of family court. He did pursue custody through the family court (I have seen some of the paperwork) and eventually walked away as solicitors advised him to as it was causing so much stress to him and his work and kids were starting to suffer, and that the mother (who I know of in other circumstances to be a person who causes problems and is very manipulative) would be someone you could not negotiate with. She was brought up in care herself for some of her early life before going back to her family about which she is very bitter although they are good people. and it turned out when she was at a scan with my partner she had had 3 previous miscarriages though my partner had no idea she had been pregnant before and had not discussed starting a family with her. It seems she was wanting a child and a dad with money if that doesn't sound too bad. She has for example assaulted a neighbour within past 12 months in a local shop, and my partner when they were finished which I have seen on video. I could never understand why if he has full access to his other kids who are happy he would be a danger to this child in eyes of the law. Solicitors advised she would constantly be accusing him of things if the child had say a small bruise etc. So he was advised to wait until the child is old enough to speak up for himself. She is known locally as someone who has accused a man of raping her which was found not guilty in court and of constantly fighting and falling our with neighbours and work colleagues. But I don't want to focus on her or putting her down as I don't know her personally only of her. However I do think I need to be asking more questions about what happened re courts and why he was deemed a risk to this child as to me its ironic a court would say that yet let him keep seeing his other 2 children as normal?

This man has 3 children by 3 different women. You have only met 1 of the 3. They are each 5 years apart. Can you say with any degree if certainty that any of his sons have met the other. How can you say that he is a great dad when you have never seen him interacting with 2 of the 3?

Is it any wonder that he hasn't introduced you to his son? He hasn't yet managed to introduce his sons to each other. He hasn't introduced you to his sons; he can't visit you in your home.

This relationship has so many issues and potential for drama that the failure to introduce you to his son seems normal.

Perhaps it is not your partner who does not want you to meet the son, maybe it is the son's mother who objects. In her place, I would have reservations about my son meeting any one else in this circus like drama. I would have told my ex not to involve my child in his various relationships going forward. The child already has 1 and possibly 2 siblings ( you have never seen the 16 year old and the 10 year old together) that he may not have met. He does not need to be introduced to any more people in what seems like his father's come and go life.

He may be a great partner , but nothing from your description screams great dad.

Enjoy what you have, but don't try to involve his son in your relationship. There is nothing to be gained by pushing an introduction. This is a family that seems accustomed to distance and secrecy.

I think you’re a fool to think that court denied him access to his third child for no reason. That bar is extremely high.

I think it's odd that you would describe the guy as your 'partner' when you are only dating , and for whatever reason, not that closely involved in his life.

He has so much going on! Whether you are hearing the truth from him or as some posters are suggesting, not quite the full truth, either way it is clear he is not ready to do anything more than dating. You aren't a full part of his life. And I actually think that's sensible. Quite honestly whatever the truth of his stories, it is probably wise of him to keep things to dating only, for the foreseeable future - if not for ever.

If that isn't enough for you, sadly you may need to look elsewhere.

OP your update makes the situation worse.

You do realise if the third woman is a trouble maker as you describe her as, then until her child is 18 she will be accusing your bf, either or both of his two older sons, you and both your daughters of abusing her child?

Then once her child is 18 as he will likely have emotional problems if not other ones then your bf, either/both his two older sons, you and both your daughters will be accused of causing him other problems.

Nice guy. 3 kids, 10, 8 and 5 by 3 different women - so 3 relationships important enough to have kids in, within 5 years. What a prince.

Have some self-respect and find someone better.

Run away.

This man has 3 children by 3 different women. You have only met 1 of the 3. They are each 5 years apart. Can you say with any degree if certainty that any of his sons have met the other. How can you say that he is a great dad when you have never seen him interacting with 2 of the 3?

Sorry OP, I think this man is telling and showing you a tiny sliver of his life - presumably because much of it does not stand up to scrutiny, but possibly because he's not taking your relationship seriously.

Have you met any of his family or friends?

After two years of dating, it doesn't sound as if there has been much progress in the relationship. You may never know why this is, but he's really not giving you any reason to trust him or expect things to change.

So the only question is whether you're content to live like this for a lot longer.

Absolutely this, especially the last sentence.

Doesn't contraception mean anything to him? I know relationships don't always work out, but especially with the last one...it doesn't sound like he was preventing a baby. He gave up because it was stressful.

3 x 3 ...kids ... thank God they're all boys... or they could end up in a relationship with a sibling in the future, without knowing.

On meeting the 10 year old...maybe wait till Summertime and see if things have changed... then if not, you could suggest a day out when the weather is good

Thanks for your comments I'm taking a bit of time out to reflect and decide what I need to do for me and my girls. I guess when I met him i felt that 3 kids by 3 women all apparently accidents was pretty galling. I was quite shocked. It's not how I would like to live my life and tbh I saw it as a bit of a failure for someone who is actually quite successful and really well organised in other areas of his life. He seems to have been a disaster with choosing a girlfriend was how I saw it and clearly should have worn a condom especially by time number 3 was conceived. But I tried to look at it as it was in the past, I wasn't there and I shouldn't judge as I'd had a 20 year relationship with a truly horrendous man who is even now 3/4 years later still writing about me every day on facebook several posts a day and is still determined to ruin me for leaving him although i have non molestation and restraining orders in place. And looking back at my own situation I can now see so many red flags and examples of coercive control and abuse and I don't know why I stayed with him. So I guess I wouldn't like to be judged solely on my poor ability to leave him earlier.

There are no safeguarding issues with the two older children they live like brothers, are involved in each others lives and go to his house usually around the same days so they will be able to spend max time together as siblings. They go on holidays together etc. with their Dad and get on well as brothers.

The third child though I def need to ask more questions around this. I could never understand initially like a lot of you have commented why my partner would be denied access simply because the mother said he was a danger to the child. Thats quite a statement to make if you have no evidence surely? OH said at the time that it is really hard as a dad to get custody of kids and it seemed at the time that anything she said was taken as gospel and everything seemed to be geared about keeping the mother stable as she is known to have mental health issues. This was all while she was pregnant. I know when she was pregnant social services were involved and initially she had tried to say he wasn't the father, then changed her mind and said he was. Then asked for DNA test then didn't want one. A DNA test was done eventually and the child is his. Said he could come to prenatal appointments then said he couldn't, said she would never stop him seeing his own child as he was a good dad to his other kids and she had never known her dad, then changed her mind. I just don't get though how that is allowed to happen. The social worker also asked my OH if they could rekindle things as his Ex had suggested that and when he said no he didn't want to get back into a relationship that clearly hadn't been working but wanted to co parent the child she basically shut him out and said he was a danger to the her and the child. That he was controlling. From there it seems to have got messy. When the child was born he was not told until the next day by social services and she instructed that his parents and his older son who was aged 12 then could come and meet the baby. But no one would go purely because she had blocked OH out of this babies life and his family felt if he wasn't going to be allowed to see and meet his own child then no one would see the child. It wasn't his decision they made that decision. His family were disgusted by her behaviour.
When the baby was born she apparently would drive into the street where he lives and park up (she lives about 5 miles away) and walk up and down the road outside his house with the pram like to goad him or something. It's all on cameras and I think he ended up getting a restraining order against her at some stage. It's a long time now since we initially talked about this in a lot of detail so I think i need to go and refresh myself with the facts and have an honest conversation about it. He is open about it like I can ask him things but tbh I guess i have kind of parked it trying to ignore it. The first time he spoke about it was a long hard conversation but tbh I hand't been expecting it and was actually quite shocked and if I'm honest a bit gutted that he had another child with another mummy. I'd always known he had two kids - I kind of knew him vaguely through work over a number of years - but not 3.
When talking about it OH has always said he wants to get to know the child and gets upset that he may never have the same bond he has with his other two boys. And he is gutted that the boys don't know their brother. Especially the younger 10 year old who is an only child with no step siblings and would absolutely adore a brother or sister. Its what he always asks for if he makes a wish etc. He thinks about this 3rd child every day and gets upset. I get it is upsetting however my attitude is why don't you do something about it? In business OH is very to the point no beating about the bush and gets things done. Sometimes I feel it's like he has his head stuck in the sand, What is he scared of? Why does he let this girl get away with this? He always said he doesn't want the child to hate his mother or have any beef with her about her decision to exclude him from the childs life as it wouldn't be good for the child to have to hate his own mum even if she has acted like a complete cow. He said obviously as the child grows up he will become aware of what has happened and he won't try and turn him against his mother he would rather look at the facts and answer any questions However I don't get it. I could never abandon my own child until I had exhausted every avenue. When I say that, he has told me how stressful it was and working with the family court was really frustrating things would be cancelled on the day they were meant to sit etc and the stress of it all really got to him and was affecting other areas of his life. He said he had to eventually pull back as it was affecting his other kids and they are his priority in life. He didn't want to end up in a situation where if he actually got any custody of the baby that she was trying so hard to keep away from him that she could allege he had abused the baby as she is, as I have said, extremely hard work. He felt that would potentially leave his other kids open to being affected by the situation if she were to accuse him of anything untoward. Its a horrible situation however this kid will be 5 this year and obviously as others have pointed out will affect my life too in the future if we remain together. I guess the fact there is no contact atall means the child has been sort of hidden so I don't really have to deal with it however potentially the situation is like a ticking time bomb. A bomb that I have no control over. Yes i want OH to have this child in his life and every child I believe should have access to their parents (obvs as long as no safeguarding issues etc) however this child clearly comes potentially, as others have commented, with several issues as well as the added stresses of dealing with a third mother who clearly doesn't want OH to meet the child at all. If we are to stay together and move in together this is a massive issue for me and for my kids too going forwards.