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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should we ask ex for the money?

27 replies

Moneyquestion23 · 05/01/2023 14:00

Have NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

Totally understand money is a sensitive issue for many. And money in blended families and between exes can be fraught.

Would welcome polite views on this situation…

DSD turned 18 last year. She attended a private school and both parents earn decent salaries and agreed a 50:50 split of fees from the start.

Ex then frequently fell short or completely opted out of paying school fees – without any warning or apology or thanks, each time leaving DH and me to find thousands of pounds in just a couple of days.

When DSD was 10, DH was happy to consider state school as choices were good and we knew we were at risk of paying for everything again. Ex was adamant about private and pushed very hard for this. She promised she would change her approach to money and never miss her half of the fees.

You can probably guess what happened. Things were better but far from ideal, with more last minute shortfalls which we had to cover.

I have not worked it out exactly but it’s likely to be around £10,000.

She earns a good salary and we would not expect it back in one go. If she was hard up and saving every penny I would probably write this off.

My question is.. should we ask the ex for the money she should have paid? WWYD?

OP posts:
Passpass · 05/01/2023 14:02

Nothing. Ex was absolutely in the wrong but how is this going to end up ? You all in court arguing over 10k with DD in the middle? Walk away with heads held high knowing you did the very best job you could for your partners child.

asphalttaz · 05/01/2023 14:03

You should ask, but expect to receive nothing.

EL8888 · 05/01/2023 14:04

I vote yes. But instinct tells me you will be wasting your time.

Charrpower · 05/01/2023 14:06

You can ask, but if she didn't pay it at the time, it's highly unlikely she will now.

Thymely · 05/01/2023 14:07

Ask, but don't be surprised if they don't understand/remember that they were falling short all the time or expect them to agree to pay. Not worth trying to go to court over, but you may feel better at least airing your frustrations.

TheFlis12345 · 05/01/2023 14:08

What reasons did she give for not paying?

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 05/01/2023 14:08

I can’t see how you’d enforce it, especially as DD’s mum had already set a precedent regarding her attitude around payments before your DH agreed for DSD to go private for high school.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 05/01/2023 14:10

You could ask. But I feel like the time has passed really and it would have been better dealt with at the time.
I assume she’ll say no. What do you intend to do if she says no?

Chowtime · 05/01/2023 14:11

Yes, absolutely ask for the money.

Original poster
Moneyquestion23 · 05/01/2023 14:37

Thanks for all the responses.

A couple of you have mentioned court. This would never happen. In fact it didn't enter my head until I saw the posts on here. So, no, we don't see this as something 'enforceable' but it's more about the principle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneyquestion23 · 05/01/2023 14:38

TheFlis12345 · 05/01/2023 14:08

What reasons did she give for not paying?

She never gave any. DH talked to her about it when it first happened as obviously he was concerned that there were wider issues. He knew she never saved any money in the past but hoped that wanting this for DD would be a motivation.

OP posts:
randomusername666 · 05/01/2023 14:45

When DSD gets married be tardy stumping up for wedding costs

Lollypop701 · 05/01/2023 14:52

Tell her how much it is and if it happens again you will have to look at a state school. Only worth it if you mean it.

Blendiful · 05/01/2023 17:30

If she's left now I doubt you will ever see it again. But it would perhaps be worth asking, see what she says. If she is adamant she can't give it back.
I would wait and see what happens with future costs for DSD (car, wedding, house) etc and offset against this. If she says she can't pay, may be worth saying that when DSD requires any of the above; she pays the first 10k and then any other agreed amount is split 50/50. Might stop her coming asking again for more.

In reality DH should never have agreed to private school with her already falling behind. Or he should have made it clear he would only be paying half and any owed would be on her to address with the school ir DSD lost her place due to this her fault: sounds to me like she knew DH would pay and so took advantage, probably to make herself look better too.

HandbagsnGladrags · 05/01/2023 18:54

Are you sure she agreed to pay? Or are you only hearing his side?

I've been in a similar (reversed) situation.

Original poster
Moneyquestion23 · 06/01/2023 10:23

@HandbagsnGladrags Good question. I saw her messages 'I can't make this term' and 'I can only give X this time' so I have no reason to doubt DH's word.

Also, at the point we took stock before senior school, all three of us had serious discussions. It was the ideal time to stop but she was dead set on continuing and made promises.

As a PP said, we wanted the best for DD and hoped things would change. 😞

Ultimately, she knew we would not take DD out of school so there were no consequences.

It would have made such a big difference to have had a word of apology, more notice of problems and an acknowledgement of us making up the shortfall.

OP posts:
TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 06/01/2023 10:29

You missed your chance when you didn’t put her in state school at the age of 10. DH’s ex had us over a barrel just before we got married. She wouldn’t sign the financial separation order until he agreed to take on their joint debt which was around £4k. Now the cow goes around smugly telling people she’s ‘debt free’. Yeah love, only because you point blank refused to pay it. Anyway, we walked away with our heads held high and bought a gorgeous house whilst she lives in a rented dive. Ah well, what goes around comes around.

GerbilsForever24 · 06/01/2023 10:30

It's a bit late now. I mean, she's behaved appallingly but your DSD is basically finished school and I can assure you that she's not going to pony up the cash. On plus side, you need to have very little to do with her now. So your DH could ask her to pay back but I'd assume it won't happen and get on with your life.

MattDamon · 06/01/2023 10:35

I wouldn't ask. She won't pay and it will get messy. Consider it an investment in the young women you both love.

MattDamon · 06/01/2023 10:36

MattDamon · 06/01/2023 10:35

I wouldn't ask. She won't pay and it will get messy. Consider it an investment in the young women you both love.

*woman

cestlavielife · 06/01/2023 10:42

Who is paying uni costs? Maybe she csn pay those . Presumably will only get miminum loan
.
Focus on the next three years.
That s 15k right there if not more for her uni accomodation for three years

TellMeWhere · 06/01/2023 10:47

Agree - let her pay uni costs if child is going.

You can ask her for the money but you won't get it. Why would she give it now if she didn't then? It's not like she forgot it needed paying for.

If you didn't want to pay it and didn't want to raise the issue at the time money was owed, then you should've taken child out of private school. As a step parent you were under no obligation to make up the short fall.

whatstheteamarie · 06/01/2023 10:51

I agree with @cestlavielife

Do a spreadsheet detailing exactly which payments she missed and the total she under-paid.

Your DSD is now an adult and has the right to understand where her Uni funding is coming from.

Explain that due to the £10k discrepancy in payments so far, you are expecting the ex to take out a loan or similar to pay for the first £10k worth of Uni expenses and after that it will be split 50/50.

If the ex doesn't pay then the daughter will have to liaise with her directly. The hard part will be not backing down on this, but you can always explain that as an adult your DSD is capable of getting a job and paying her own way through Uni (even if this means deferring for a year or so) if the ex doesn't pay what is owed.

Sit down with your DSD and you ex and the spreadsheet to discuss this calmly.

Choosing not to pay for your DC, whether that's for food or schooling (that you've chosen) is an arsehole move and I feel that parents who do this should be held accountable.

CornishGem1975 · 06/01/2023 10:53

You won't get it but ask away if you want to make your life harder. This is something that should have been dealt with as it happened.

Original poster
Moneyquestion23 · 06/01/2023 12:09

Thanks for the responses.

DH has saved a lot for DD's Uni time. We don't know if her mother has but he didn't want to take the risk. Our only worry is that DD will give some of the money to her mum, but it's her choice if she does and DH won't be making up the shortfall again.

OP posts:
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