Make up your mind

[BlindMum]

We dropped SD off with her mum at the station I say my goodbyes earlier and wait somewhere else today I went to grab a drink as we were getting on another train right after ( I don’t stand close during drop off due to her mums comments in the past to me try to start an argument)

so a couple of days before drop off SD fell off her bike she was being silly she ended up with a little scratch on her forehead nothing bad at all she laughed it off husband messaged her mum just to say she does have a scratch but she’s fine do you want to talk to her she said no she was busy

so at drop off I’m walking back out with the drinks and all I can here is her mum screaming at my husband saying how bad this injury was and how she didn’t know about it and he’s never seeing her again We have been here before and he doesn’t shout back anymore

next day comes and a message from her mum so what day are you having her next.

I'm so confused how do you go from you are never seeing her again to when are you having her in less than 20 hours

this stuff used to really get to me but now just confuses me

It would confuse anyone. She wants to kick off and throw her weight around but also wants time off so won’t actually stop contact.

I’d try and ignore it, you can’t argue with stupid.

Do they have a contact arrangement or is private? How old is SD?

Oh it's frustrating and relentless isn't it.

We've had similar with my SC mother. One day it's "I can't be without them for more than 2 days" the next she's telling the kids they're coming to live with us permanently. It's just a weapon to beat my DH with but it's unfortunate that the kids are always caught up in it.

@AnneLovesGilbert that’s what a friend told me you can’t argue with stupid always makes me giggle.

always been privet arrangement husband would like it to be formal but I think he is worried she will take her away

she is 7

Oh absolutely!

Also - you get told off for looking after them (you aren't their mum blah blah) but then get told you don't care enough and you should include them more.

It will never change. Hopefully your DP stood up for himself as he can't accept being spoken in this way, especially in front of the SC.

I think I'd be putting in place a regular schedule if I were you, then at least the kid will know when she's coming and going. I'd hate not to have a regular agreement, it means you can't plan anything.

But yes, the ex also sounds unhinged.

I made peace a while ago with the fact that if DSDs mum (or anyone) wants to have an argument then they will pick on anything and its more about them, their feelings and what’s going on for them than anything else or the actual issue so when they feel better the next day they’ll act fine

@Lkydfju yes we can tell what’s going on in her life from who she has a go at so if she’s having a go at me it’s school or SS that’s said so
thing to her if it’s my husband she’s broken up with another new boyfriend

@overthehill7 yes he will stand up for himself now without shouting back he suffered from DB so has worked really hard on this and the reason I am around just in case

@HandbagsnGladrags I’m trying to get him to do it but he is still scarred of her so it’s hard hopefully it will get better

regards to planning anything yea pain in the bum. We just plan things and SC slips in to the plans or not we spent years being told what to do by her then I put my foot down. I’ve always said she not right but saying anything then I’m the bad one according to the In-laws anyway but that’s a different issue

Poor kid.

Mum needs a good hard look in the mirror.

Presumably this was in front of DSD?

It's bad enough that she shouts at your DH for no reason and threatens to deny contact. But poor DSD shouldn't have to hear this.

I agree with others that you both ignore. But, if your DH wants to avoid the ongoing threats and worry then he could get a court order. Only you guys know if this would amp things up too much.

She's clearly unhinged. Having a non-formal custody arrangement isn't a great idea. My DH had an arrangement with his ex and as soon as she didn't get her way she stopped contact to his DD4. He now has a legal arrangement. Unless there's good reason, no one os going to stop your DP seeing his kid.

Women like this are unpredictable and it's important to have strict boundaries in place and minimal contact. Having a formal arrangement negates the need to discuss when he'll have her next. It also means she can't just stop contact.

Aside from that, grey rock her. She obviously enjoys conflict so don't give her it. Let her scream and shout and throw around threats, say nothing and walk away.

@Laurdo the grey rock is what we do she can scream and shout all she likes

on our next train I said to my husband just wait for a call from SS about you hurting her

so I was wrong it wasn’t SS it was school that rang. Saying mum has said you did this to her but after talking to her dad and SC they were happy the story’s matched so they weren’t going to get SS involved

Oh we have one of these, grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. It drives them more crazy but you get peace from it. Your normal brain is no match for crazy brain, so don’t even waste your time trying.

Get your custody agreements formalised so there’s no need for ongoing contact with her.

Poor child too.