Step son wants to move in

[Mums2three]

Hello guys this will be a long post so I apologise in advance, so back ground me and my husband have been together 13 years married 10, we have 3 children between us however none together (we both decided we didn't want anymore when we got together) now my step son who is 15 I have known from birth as I've always been friends with my husband as well as being together when we was younger, so my step son has always been around me and my childre and staying with me ever since he was born for night etc and when she cheated on my husband and moved away from our village we reconnected as i had just split from a controlling relationship, fast forward a few years and our son has decided that he wants to move out of mums house and come and live with us, so a bit of a back story with mum's house, you have mum step dad and 2 younger siblings, mum is very opinionated and likes to be the one to make all and every decision, and up until about a year ago for an easy life I have allowed it to be that way, however about a year ago my step son expressed he wanted to move with us after showing messages off his mum calling him every name under the sun and so my husband agreed, now im not going to say my stepson is an angel because he isnt he is a typical teen who pushes his boundaries and has lied and made up issues before as well as having a bite me sort of attitude ( however ive never seen this attitude my self he is usally very calm and open with me) anyway my step son went to his mother's to collect some belonging with my eldest and was met by his step dad who the dragged him off his bike and into the house causing my ss to have a cut on his head and then would not let him leave, the police was called however when questioning my ss they did so in the room with mum and step dad so understandably my step son played it down and told police it was just a play fight and despitemy sons statement it was dismissed. I had a major kick off with police about how they conducted the situation but that's dealt with now. So fast forward to Xmas day 2022 my ss come to our house at lunch clearly upset, when asked he told us how he had been playing with his sister and the head of her toy horse had fell off he put it back on but it fell off again when his sister grabbed the head and a wire that makes an led on the head light up had broken, for this step dad went off on him pinning him up against a wall (infront of mum sisters and ss friend) and demanding that he give him all the money he got for xmas to replace said toy. Now usually I agree if they break something they fix/replace it however in this case it is one wire that just needs connecting again and it will be good as new and the toy wasn't even broken directly by my ss so I feel the way step dad reacted was unnecessary and uncalled even if my ss had broken it thats not the way he should be handled! anyway 3 days after my ss arrived at our house he come to me to show me messages that his mum had been sending him calling him a spoilt brat etc (I won't go into the messages as no mum should talk that way to a child) she also rang my husband and said she didn't want him back (though I think this was said in a fit of anger because she wasnt getting what she wanted) because now all of a sudden she wants him home, he so far has refused, I did manage to get him to put out an olive branch to his mum saying he would return the day after and class it as a fresh start for them both, however he got a message back saying that there is no fresh start until he apologies for his actions! To which he replied, if i had something to apologise for i would. So at that point I was done with trying to get him to reach out. So yesterday and today my ss and my husband have messaged would it be okay to collect my ss things, eg uniform shoes etc, her response was no its not. This isn't a big issue we can luckily afford to buy new it's just short notice to buy everything. She is also unwilling for him to collect his pet hamster and at the same time refusing to take care of it, so my ss is obviously upset about this, it's like a sly way to make him feel he has to go back I think, Currently she is demanding him home and that we make him go home (usually I would try and make things work) but after the last few weeks I feel like telling her to get stuffed (does that make me a bad person?) My question is at 15 can she make him go back to hers? And can she withhold his stuff from him like clothes, his hamster etc and if not is there a way that he could get it without her being there as this is something he has told me he is worried about because of the last time he tried to get stuff to live with us (as mentioned above). May I also add mum has been messaging me over last 24h kicking off because I'm apparently making this worse by not making him go home and trying to make me out to be the evil step mum, I told her that this is my husbands decision and I 100% back him and all I want is for my ss to be happy and that he is the main priority. Well the response I got from that ended the conversation because I refuse to speak to someone who thinks that they rule over everyone's feeling and actions, ahhh please help I'm so confused as to what to do next...

Ok well his mum is nor protecting him and she is verbally abusive and his stepdad is abusive and downright disgusting.

Ss wants to be with you and his dad and he's 15. Hes old enough to choose. I think he should live with you both too. You seem to have more love for him than his actual mum tbh. I wouldn't agree with your mum on this one.

you are doing the right thing. Either DH and son go to pick up stuff or you request assistance from police to retrieve some of his things. In essence your step son is fleeing a physically and mentally abusive situation.

At 15 he is old enough to decide for himself where he wants to live. Good idea to ask for police assistance to collect his things. Hope his hamster is still alive.

He is old enough to chose which parent he lives with, get dh to collect stuff as I fear sending just so he is going to be met with a lot of abuse ( verbal and physical) also if she doesn't allow it call the police for assistance. She has no choice and no leg to stand on.

Call the police firstly to report the stepfather for assault, and secondly to go with your dh and DSS to collect his things.

And then call social services and tell them that there are two younger children in that house whose welfare you are concerned about, because if the stepson is being abused then the younger children likely are as well, and SS need to investigate.

I think you’ve made yourself very identifiable to his mum or other family members and could be putting him at risk. Ask for this thread to be deleted and repost with bare bones. Ss 15 is living in abusive household and wants to come to live with us, But his mum won’t let him - what should we do.

That's the world's longest sentence 🤯

This.

Stop engaging with her.

Your SS has been assaulted multiple times.

Involve the police 101 and social services.

Ask for a police presence for his belongings to be removed.

Report your concern for the other children.

Make it very clear to this boy your expectations regarding behaviour in your home.

Start as you mean to go.

This IS a police matter.
Involve them.

Absolutely he should live with you. No child should be subject to any kind of abuse by adults he should be able to trust.
I would send your DH to collect his things, she cannot withhold his possessions nor can she make him go home. At 16 he can legally get married and live alone so as soon as he turns 16 you've got nothing to worry about. X

Im not a step mum but I think your doing the rite thing and I would deffo ask for police assistance to get his things tho I’m not sure if there’s a legal rite to the things in her home or not but it’s worth a try, maybe a solicitor if things can’t progress any further

This is a good point

Get your DH to go with your SS to collect his hamster, he should have to deal with his mum alone if he doesn’t feel confident. If you really think she’s unhinged, go under the pretence it’s to sort things out even if that’s not true.

I could if write this myself... my SD 15 (now 16) moved in last august as her mum had pretty much handed over over all parenting reigns to step dad.. he called all the shots had way over the top rules and punishment and she couldn't take the atmosphere or controlling behaviour anymore.

Unfortunately mum firmly took husbands side and SD was outcast and made to feel terrible abs she's pretty much been ignored ever since. They dropped her off with black bags and her bedroom was given away to younger sibling that same weekend ( I didn't disagree with this as of course a room can't lie empty in a large family but not the save day!)

I have no practical advice, I'm sorry but I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read about a step mother putting her step son first and letting him move in. You're doing the right thing for your SS.

Hello guys this will be a long post so I apologise in advance

It would be much easier to read with paragraphs. It appears as a huge wall of text.

Just to add, you are doing the right thing protecting your SS. I would also call the RSPC and ask them to get the hamster if it's not being looked after.

She can not make him go home he is 15 and both parents have equal PR- that's if your DH is on his birth certificate. I would be contacting the Police and Social Services and asking them to collect his belongings l. Hes assaulted a minor in front of other minors and that's illegal and damaging. I'm glad your SS has you both.

Sounds like the stepdad is a controlling bully and mum is listening to what he says. Some step parents feel jealous of male children in the house not biologically there's. SS is better off at yours as mother isn't protecting him from step dad. Sounds like she wants him home but doesn't want the arguing between him and SD.

Christ this is a lot.

I would remind mum that if the hamster dies and this goes to court the judge will see the texts she's sent and remove all of her children. As that's emotional abuse.

On this occasion I say this while heartily I'm so sorry for your dss. He's lucky to have you and his dad.

His father should be contacting his mum and telling her he will not be returning home and make arrangements to collect his things. I’d tell her to go to court if she’s not happy and the judge can see the messages she’s sent.

Would your step son/DH consider contacting the police about the couple fo adults so far? It’s very concerning that step father is so aggressive to him.

There’s been domestics at this house. Police are aware. Contact your local safer neighbourhood team inform them he is coming to live with you and his dad. Mums refusing him to collect his belongings and ask the police if they’re happy to attend with dad and SS to mums home address to contact belongings to prevent breach of the peace. Hopefully they’ll assist.

Sorry that meant to say to collect belongings

Absolutely this.