Boundaries…

[WarmingUp]

I have a DD (3 months) and DSS (9y/o). When my DP’s ex found out we were expecting she made life hell, demanding mediation to have set days (although these were already in place and we would pick up her days/evenings when she needed), telling DSS he’s not having a real sister, having her family members message DP abuse and telling us we’re lucky to see DSS at all. For context, he lives with us 50:50 and has always done so but she threatened he would live with her full time. She just made the co parenting relationship really difficult and I had little to no involvement but DP would cry and be upset every time there was a kick off, which in turn did affect me and put undue stress while pregnant. Anyway fast forward to DD being born, DSS mum is buying gifts, saying how happy she is for us etc. although I couldn’t ever forgive her for how she had been the 9 months prior it was easier to smile and thank her.

DP and I both feel the same about ex, that she made things difficult and how much upset she caused and I want nothing to do with her bar being polite at handover. For Christmas DSS was given a mobile from his mum, it transpires that he has been taking photos/ videos of DD and sending them to his mum. She came to pick up today and said how lovely it was that she had them and she’s been showing out DD to her whole family. I don’t like this and asked that DSS doesn’t take pictures any more as I don’t want them shared but he is welcome to take photos on mine / DP phone of his little sister as we know they are safe. This has caused upheaval with DP and he thinks IBU, apparently DSS has been in tears about it and is so upset he can’t take photos of his sister. I just really don’t want the ex having and sharing photos of our daughter. I explained to DP that if DSS wasn’t given a mobile for Christmas then neither of us would be sending ex any photos so why tolerate it if the DSS is doing so?

I don’t know the purpose of this post. I guess to gather other opinions?

Just to add, DP & I rarely share photos of the baby to social media and neither of us have the ex on social media as she blocked DP when she found out about the pregnancy. Also, they broke up when DSS was 1y/o so 8 years ago- if that makes a difference.

Honestly I would let him take photos not videos. If it is likely to support a positive relationship with his half sibling then that would trump the sharing of the pic.

Or buy him an instant camera so he can print them?

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DSD sending photos to her mum if I’d had a new baby. Obviously from the child’s perspective it’s completely innocent and he just wants photos of his new sister to look at when he’s not at your house, however his mum isn’t likely to be approaching it with the same mind set. Given her past history and your understandable reluctancy to share photos online I would have a stern conversation with your DP about DSS using the phone around the baby. Also why does a 9 year old have a phone anyway? Surly that’s too young to own a personal mobile?

Thank you @Marblessolveeverything for your reply, I hadn’t thought of an instant camera but will look into one for him. He had a great relationship with his sister prior to having the phone/ taking photos and videos so I don’t want this to affect it but I feel really uncomfortable.

@Vickyofthevally i totally agree with you re: 9 year old with a phone, it’s also got a hefty price tag although on a monthly contract (close to 1k, about 5 x more expensive than my own phone!!) but was a Christmas gift from his mum. I explained this to DP, DSS is so proud of his sister and loves her so much and that’s great and while innocently taking these images/ videos he has no idea the past few months from hell we’ve been put through by his mum and then for her to be sharing these images with her family. I find really uncomfortable. I just needed some reassurance that INBU in this situation. Thank you.

Phones are given in a lot of cases when children go between houses, it was recommended to my son to reduce anxiety in not being with mum. However we got a dumb phone, so the phone is a bit of a red herring I think in this situation as it is a pretty standard in co parenting.

Be aware if you have permitted pics on sm then the pics are already accessible, don't be naive that everyone you share with has their settings locked down.

I would be very grateful he is positive about his sibling so would work hard to sort a solution.

Sorry cross posted, hopefully the instant camera or similar will work.

With you on this one

@Marblessolveeverything Completely understand children that live in two different houses needing a way to contact the parent that they are not with 100% no doubt but I should have specified that a 9 year old doesn’t need a phone that has the capability of taking photos (or good quality photos at that). From OPs pp it seems likely he has an expensive/ new IPhone and that I find unreasonable. What ever happened to a pay as you go brick phone that could only do texts and calls?
Children walking around with IPhones now terrify me as they will grow up with a twisted sense of reality, the value of money and not to mention the dangers of the internet/social media. Yes even if you have safe search on.

Sorry OP I’ve gone on a tangent on your post but to confirm I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it nor if my step child sending photos of me to her mother I find them both equally strange.

I would say photos are fine but no videos. It’s an invasion of privacy where she can look inside your house and hear what’s going on. I’ll bet she enjoyed making you feel like that.

Amazon have cameras that print out the pics in black and white pretty cheap he can use that and pics stay in your house.

A huge no to him using his phone to photograph or film your baby. The ex sounds vile and if this is the boundary you need to prevent further abuse from her, then please enforce it.

Please don’t be talked into putting up with this. Your DH does not get to dismiss this as something that would make his DS happy when it has serious consequences (ie ex sharing images on SM).

The instant camera is one option but if he takes the photos back to his mother’s then you’re back to square one. Best solution is to let him use his dad’s phone when he’s with you. And the whole thing is easily explained to him as being a good big brother by helping to keep his little sister safe.

The ex sounds a bit crazy tbh. Why would she even tell you she's showing picture of the baby to her family members...very bizarre.

It's not just that she's seeing the photos, but she's getting them off his phone to circulate.

Given her history, you're feelings are valid. Your DH needs to understand this and find a way to explain it to his son that you don't want photos of the baby being sent around from his phone, so his dad will keep them secure (cloud storage) and SS can have just 1 or 2 on his phone to look at. Perhaps an agreement to reduce the number of photos he takes and his phone checked to see what pics he's taken.

Oof, I totally get why you are uncomfortable here.

We have this a little bit with DSS being given a phone we don't really want him to have, but tbh we just tell him not to be on it most of the time. Fine if he wants to message his mum but most of the time we just don't allow it if he's just messing around, which we would do anyway as it simply isn't something we want him to be doing, but it also nips the taking pictures thing in the bud.

Your DSS is growing up in a world of social media and tech. If he's going to start using it he will need to understand your views on it. So he'll have to have it explained to him that you prefer to keep things private so don't want lots of pictures of the baby and house being sent around. This can be explained without it being specifically about him and his mum. He can be allowed a few pictures but that's it. These are just the sorts of conversations we'll all have to have with our kids now that these technologies are so commonplace, and his mum has rushed it happening with him by giving him the phone.

OP you are completely in the right.

I was in a similar situation but my DP supported me, so he preempted the taking of photos. Luckily he did as there were issues around his eldest DC use of the smartphone they were given.

To put it bluntly you are the only parent whose sole job is to speak up for and protect your joint child. You are doing this.

Your DP has to protect both children and he is failing in this.

A 9 year old is far to young to have a smartphone and could easily get into trouble with one. Your DP needs to look up and read around online safety. If he did then he wouldn't allow his child to use the smartphone in his house and presence.

In regards to your own child - his ex is not related to your child so she has no right to have any photos, and due to her previous abuse she should definitely not have any photos.

Your DP needs to step up and protect both children.

@aSofaNearYou

Your DSS is growing up in a world of social media and tech.

Tech is a wide field and there is stuff you can safely show and teach a 9 year old to do, but social media is not the part you should be showing.

I don't disagree, but now that he has been given a phone they will have to have complicated conversations with him about privacy.

My DSS wants to be a YouTube superstar and doesn't understand why I don't want videos of him playing in our house and with my DD to be on there. At that age being seen is purely a good thing, they don't intrinsically get why some adults value privacy.

I had a very similar issue. I lost it (postpartum) and said why the fuck does she want photos of my baby when she's never wanted to meet me. I then started randomly shoving my camera phone in DSC's face and taking photos of them and said ah nice ill send that to my mum, etc.

Extreme and most probably not the best way of sorting it but it pissed me right off

Gosh that’s really tough. On the one hand I wouldn’t be happy about my step kids doing this, but equally I’d want them to feel a part of the family in the same way we are and it’s odd if someone said ‘oh you’ve got a baby sister’ and they don’t have a photo or something to show.

The bigger problem is always that we can’t explain to the kids what Mum has been like and why we want nothing to do with her.

I think I would try to do two things:

1. I’d try and look at my discomfort as my boundary and not DSS’s. It is appropriate for DSS to have a photo to show someone he is close to. The same as your Mum or your Dad. You don’t know who they show those photos to anyway, you’re only finding out because DSS’s Mum wants to wind you up.
2. I would talk to DSS about phone safety and sharing photos and how he needs to make sure he’s respecting your privacy and that of the baby. And I would do that because I have step children who started to wander around my house with Mum on FaceTime and it won’t be long OP before that happens. But there will be more than ‘this’ that you don’t want to be shared with the world.

The bigger problem is always that we can’t explain to the kids what Mum has been like and why we want nothing to do with her.

@Spandang Not in every case.

Also helps in my case DP's ex has made her "comments" directly to her child and now only to her child.

She also makes these 'comments" about other people including those who have helped her child.

This would be a definite NO from me.

My SD was told by her very high conflict mother to take photos of us, private letters & documents & we later found out she was breaking into her dads phone and taking pictures of our WhatsApp messages. All of which she was giving to her mum. She was 15 when this was discovered & she had been doing it for 2 years at least.

Social services got involved as did the school - DSD had counselling. She still doesn’t think she has done anything wrong as her mum asked her.

I would nip this in the bud now before it gets worse.

I had this when dc was a baby. DSC would use their iPad and phone to picture baby and then show EVERYONE- I can't imagine videos being taken also.

I found it uncomfortable and a total invasion of privacy (the mum of dsc had also caused lots of issues) and I hated it when dsc would say how their mum liked certain pictures. DP couldn't see an issue but I was so annoyed. Especially as while at our house they would be sent to mum, friends, chat groups of friends.

Anyway one day I heard the camera noise take a pic (was always done when I was out of room) and I asked what was that? DSC explained pictures for their friends to which I was able to say there and then I didn't want pics of their sibling sent anywhere, we keep pics for ourselves etc. Thankfully that worked.

My DM used to also (without permission) plaster pics of DC all over sm and use as what's app profile picture which really annoyed me. (I don't put DC on sm at all).

I would say to DSS it's better if he's in the pics too and asks you to take them- then you can angle them so DD can't be seen that well.