Tips to help me cope with DSS (13)

[stepkids]

Basically- He is an arsey git.
We all make exceptions for his rude antisocial behavior because he is:

1. an angel with other people
2. well liked by his peers
3. doing well at school
4. his mum was an alcoholic and lost him (had him taken by the police) to OH when DSS was 7

But he does my ffing head in.
I truly dislike him because of his behavior. He will either ignore me (unless his dad is around and pulls him on it)
Or he will be /say / do completely contrary to what ever I say. He always knows better and will ALWAYS want to argue his point. It's exhausting. Just now he wanted to make bread - I said oh that's nice - remember you'll have to leave it to rise for 30 mins.
He insisted that you didn't. He then said 'oh I can't be arsed making it now' as if it were my fault (he did think it was my fault)

If I knock on his room - he answers with an very irritated voice 'WHAT?!'
He is so fucking ungrateful for everything I do. It is truly making me resent him.
OH is aware but because of the traumas from the past (and also because he cannot be arsed) he just lets him be.
It is awful living with DSS.
So - I can do nothing to improve his behavior except lead by example and correct when very necessary - but I can change my behavior and how I deal with it.
Any tips from experienced stepmums.
To avoid drip feed - me and OH have been married for 3 years and yes I knew what I was letting myself in for . Peri menopause is making it harder for me. And I am so fucking sick of parenting - especially for this horrible child (who can sometimes be nice to me)
My kids are both a lot older and moved out years ago.
And it was hard with them sometimes but this is like parenting at it's worst.
I sometimes thinks he trusts me enough to be horrible to me (that I will love him anyway) so I try and focus on that..
But it's SO hard..
help please.

Teens are shitbags. It's hard but it's not personal.

Find one redeeming quality and latch on to it until you die. He will come out the other end.

When he's being contrary or just a pain he like "ok you know best" with a massive smile. Remember in some cultures smiling is actually a sign of anger and danger.

Smile smile smile, and exercise is very useful to help wear you out so much that you don't have the energy to be annoyed.

Trauma breeds trauma and what you have said actually is reassuring that he does have a good bond with you and more importantly will come out the other side. Eventually.

Until then you have my sympathies and cake helps.
When he pushed back, allow him to fall (safely) and just say ah well you know best (knowing he's a teen so unlikely to know best but he will learn)

Speaking with experience, leave as much to your DH as possible. I invested so much of myself and it turned out it was not appreciated by anyone, I wouldn’t do the same again.

I think let things go. My kids are getting to that age and they can just be so argumentative about things I know I’m right about. But I figure I can argue and get them defensive and annoyed, or let them make their bread their way and prove I’m right when it doesn’t rise. I think it’s just natural for them to pull away from parents at that age and start doing things their own way.

He has been through a lot of trauma, does well at school and socially, and he is likely pushing out at the one person in his life he knows he can’t push away.

Thanks @hourbyhour101
This is the advice I would also give myself. Hahaha
His brother and sister look at him in horror sometimes due to the way he speaks to me and his temper tantrums - but they are both people pleasers so I try and play it down just how much I dislike the arsey git. As I want them to be able to be able to express their feelings if needed too.
Yeah I should have just let him make his bread - and then - when it turned into a rock just sniggered when I was alone
I will latch on to a redeeming feature and constantly remind myself of it. Thank you xx
Teenagers can indeed be shit bags

Oh and just for a disclaimer - I was a step child and as a teen thought I was a angel at the time.

My family can confirm I was not at all a angel and a right pain in the neck. And I was a actual dammed horror. It wasn't personal or because of my situation or even because I was unhappy. Teens gonna make your blood pressure rise.

And I'm a home owner, married and in a v good and well paid job and more importantly- become (hopefully) less of a pain in the neck.

I also have apologised to my sm/ Sf/mum and dad for those years and try to make up to them now with various crates of wine/cake and dark mutterings of my offspring showing all the "angelic" qualities that I had.

The days are long but the years are short. He will come around. 💐

@hourbyhour101
Thank you for your kind words. The recognition almost made me cry.
I know he will do well. He is very smart and a good person.
It's just so tiring ... like you say the days are long but the years are short is very true. I sometimes feel like he is wearing me down with horribleness ..
but :
I will smile and keep that smile plastered on my face if it's the last thing I do. And I will eat cake too lol.