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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling with adult step daughter

18 replies

HeadAboveHeadBelow · 30/12/2022 21:05

I'm having a hard time with this at the moment. I met my partner when his girls were 6 and 8 yrs. Two years later we moved in together, and his girls have always lived with us 50% of the time. We had our own daughter together a year after we moved in. The 2 girls, now 19 and 21yrs are both v close to my partner especially the older one. And they are both v close to our daughter, now aged 10. The 19 Yr old still lives with us, the 21 Yr old has moved out but visits and stays over every few weeks. I've become more and more aware over the last few years that I'm often not included in conversation, in plans, and the 21 Yr old pretty much ignores me. I'm starting to dread it when she is due to see us as I find it so uncomfortable. Am at a loss how to approach this 😕

OP posts:
chocolateasaltyballs22 · 30/12/2022 21:48

Have you tried to speak to her about it? And when did it become a problem if you've known her for all that time?

imalreadygone · 30/12/2022 22:40

Ignore them and just treat them like a housemate?

Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 06:58

chocolateasaltyballs22, it's kind of just increasingly been like that over time, as they've got older. I've analysed it to death: what did I do wrong, what could I have done better etc.
I think if I directly talked to her about it, she would be freaked out and clam up.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 06:59

imalreadygone, yeah I guess that's probably the best option, it's just like a housemate where I'm really close to her 2 best friends who also live with us! (Her dad and youngest sister). It feels really unbalanced.

OP posts:
Virginiaplain · 31/12/2022 07:14

Don't think there's much you can do - it's a bit as if she's punishing you for what happened in her childhood (divorce) but if you carry on as normal she will probably soon get a boyfriend / partner / husband and then after that children - by then what happened in her childhood will surely seem of little consequence and you will be a welcome pair of hands as a grandmother.
Perhaps your DH could make sure that he includes you even if she doesn't and compensate for her behaviour.

3487642l · 31/12/2022 07:14

Were you ever close to them? What was your relationship with each of them like? To mention they were/ are close to your partner and your dd, but nothing about your own relationship with them.

hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 07:38

Oh op this isn't on you.

What's that saying you can be the loveliest perfect most peach and someone still will still dislike peaches.

A pp has mentioned maybe she blames you for her parents not being together ( as illogical as that is) and you can see from posts on here that actually even as adults people seem to encourage the wicked sm narrative.

Instead of fighting the current. Just go with it. Make sure DH calls out rudeness ect and keep being kind. Remember this isn't about you.

Even though it feels v personal and if she doesn't get over this whatever it is. It's on her not you xx

Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 08:00

@Virginiaplain DH often seems a bit oblivious, also he and I have had a really rocky patch this last year. So that hasn't helped. But I do think you're right that 'carry on as normal' is the best policy. My instinct is to remove myself and avoid it all, which possibly doesn't send the best message 😒

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 08:03

@3487642l I could honestly write an essay about the development of all our relationships over the last 13 yrs! It's hard to summarise in a post. But I'd say our relationship seemed fine when they were younger, but we also never really bonded.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 08:12

@hourbyhour101 thank you, that's comforting. Agreed, don't fight the current- I think I've been trying to do this over Christmas, which has just made things worse, and as we all know, Christmas is such an intense

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 08:14

...an intense time!

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 08:16

@HeadAboveHeadBelow some of the most Brillant lovely posters on here gave me the same advice and honestly it's freeing.

The worst part of blended family is that some people will have issues that aren't linked to you or anything you do but what you represent. Whether they solve those issues it's on them. Not you.

Christmas also sucks but it will get easier but don't be made to feel like a intruder in your own home.

HeadNorth · 31/12/2022 08:27

Blended families are really really tough on children, especially the older children who have to have 2 homes while subsequent children are secure in one home with 2 parents. It can take many years to work through the experience and when you leave home and start establishing yourself as an adult it can be flashpoint for a lot of conflicting feelings about your upbringing. If she is being polite to you, there really is not much more you can expect. Hopefully space and time will enable her to work through her feelings and over the years your relationship will get easier. I think it is safest not to push too hard just now - as you saym xmas can be an intense period.

yellowgecko · 31/12/2022 08:39

HeadAboveHeadBelow · 31/12/2022 08:00

@Virginiaplain DH often seems a bit oblivious, also he and I have had a really rocky patch this last year. So that hasn't helped. But I do think you're right that 'carry on as normal' is the best policy. My instinct is to remove myself and avoid it all, which possibly doesn't send the best message 😒

Did DH confide in her about your issues? Maybe she sees herself as 'team dad'?

3487642l · 31/12/2022 08:59

If you never really bonded then that it's just how the relationships are and I think then it is understandable that plans are made between dad and daughters, and it is also okay they have their own conversations - unless it is in front of you and part of the ignoring you behaviour. I do think that ignoring you or having an attitude towards you when they are with you is not okay and I think it would be your DHs job to talk to them about this, to find out if there is a specific problem that need to be addressed (whether it is to do with you or something they are projecting onto you) If there is no specific issue he needs to tell them passive-aggressive behaviour is not okay. It's rude and disrespectful and unnecessary from teenagers that age.

3487642l · 31/12/2022 09:00

Sorry - teenager and young adult 21 yr old

MeridianB · 31/12/2022 21:52

May be a lone voice here, but I think you have a DH problem.

No one should be excluding or ignoring you in your own home. He should have zero tolerance on this and be standing up for you.

Otherwise how long will this go on? It could be for decades. You deserve better.

Reugny · 31/12/2022 22:01

I agree with @MeridianB the fact you aren't included in plans when you are in a long term relationship to the bloke, have a child with him and he's the eldest adult indicates where most of the blame lays.

Have a word with him about making plans and not checking if you are interested in being involved.

Also point out any shitty behaviour.

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