DS doesn’t want to live here anymore

[stuckstuckstuckstuck]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to write this, maybe not. I really don’t know what to do.

DS is 11 and has developmental delays/some behaviour problems, and functions at a much younger age (in some ways). He struggles with following directions most of the time (tidy up, etc, he has to be tricked into it/make it into a game/etc and then he will do it, same with bed time etc too). He is also kind, funny, smart and full of love. He is exhausting at times! But he really can’t help it and he isn’t a bad child, he has been diagnosed with these problems and delays, it isn’t excuses. And he can be the kindest, sweetest boy when he’s happy, he’s also so much better than he was a few years ago. He used to be violent, hit me, throw things, break things, hurt other children. He never does any of this now.

I’ve known DP for years as friends (maybe more acquaintances as he had never met my son or been to my home) and 2.5 years ago we started dating. I never thought I could find a partner to love and accept me and my son (I have autism so we are quite a bit to “take on”), and I made sure to fully explain to DP what son was like and how difficult he could be. Eventually they met and they liked each other, in time I’d say they got on brilliantly and DP was so good with my son and my son adores him. DP’s family are all wonderful with my DS and he has a family for the first time ever (ex and I don’t have family and all biological grandparents are dead).

DP is almost 50 and never had children as his long term ex didn’t want any, he doesn’t talk about it much but at times he’s hinted that he regrets that and it’s too late now etc. I even asked early on if he was happy with one day becoming a step dad and he said he would be happy with that. He has repeatedly said my son’s difficulties don’t bother him. One problem DP has though is that he is very emotionally closed off, even with his own family he won’t hug or kiss them or say he loves them, he almost seems to keep a distance. His parents and siblings aren’t like this at all and my DS and I (despite our issues) are already the type to hug his family, etc.

My DP is awful at showing affection even to me and we’ve had discussions about it in the past, in some ways he’s a wonderful partner but I do feel unloved a lot of the time and crave some affection. I can understand that’s just how he is though and he makes up for it in other ways, but my DS doesn’t understand that. So when he tells DP he loves him and DP says something like “who can blame you?” in reply, my DS doesn’t get it. He does have a very good sense of humour despite his problems but he also craves affection too and doesn’t understand why DP can’t show it. He’s always asking him “do you love me?” Or “would you save me if a bear came and tried to eat us?” And DP always deflects with humour or says an outright no. I’ve discussed it with him and he says it’s just how he is, he can’t change or be more affectionate but that he does love us. He gives my DS one hug at bedtime.

As time has gone on my DS has struggled more and more with this, he loves DP but feels DP doesn’t love him. He wants affection and reassurance and DP just can’t bring himself to be that open with anyone, even a child who loves him. Now they bicker about everything, my son is less and less likely to do anything DP says (something he struggles with anyway, being told what to do). DP is getting annoyed more with my DS and I’m constantly in the middle, telling DP to leave DS alone but also asking DS to turn his computer off like he’s been asked, or tidy up etc. DP doesn’t have a go at him unfairly, he just handles him badly (in lots of ways my DS’s disabilities are hidden) and refuses to back down. DS is a lot better than he was but still responds better to love and being playful than someone telling him to do something now because he said so, with no explanation as to why.

Yesterday was awful, they bickered all day. I was in the middle. DP wouldn’t back down as he says DS is rude and I don’t do anything about it (I do, but in a way that may look soft but it gets the results), DS was angry and upset so wouldn’t do anything DP asked. He was asking DP for a hug and DP said no as he doesn’t listen to him etc. At bedtime DS told me he doesn’t want to live here anymore, he hates DP and he wants to live with his dad, he says he doesn’t even want to visit and he wants me to speak to his dad today. This will be a massive change for DS as his dad works long hours and he’s always been used to me being around for his appointments and activities etc whereas dad will need to use wraparound childcare (I don’t drive and live 45 minutes away so can’t help out as I’d love to). I told DS if he really means it then we can move out, just us but he says he wants me to be happy and stay here. He says he loves DP and would like to see him “sometimes” and will miss his pets and his family but he wants to go to his dad now because he can do what he wants there. I’m heartbroken, dad initially had 3/4 weekends but very rarely sees DS that much, it’s more like 2/4 and even that’s reducing, he’s barely seen him in months. When DS is there they don’t really spend time together and my ex just does his own thing, plays games etc and leaves DS to it a lot of the time. I worry about his behaviour declining.

Obviously I know I need to move out and find us somewhere to live away from DP and I was up all night looking for places we could possibly afford, but DS says he won’t live with me anymore and wants to go to his dad. I’m about to lose everyone, DS will be with his dad full time and I will be living alone somewhere new. My only hope is if I’m living alone he will agree to spend weekends with me. Because of his age I know he gets a say in who he lives with so I just feel completely broken knowing I’m losing him.

The reason I put this in step parenting is because I feel DP and DS’s relationship is the main issue here. I hope that’s okay, I wasn’t really sure where else to put it. If it’s wrong I’m happy to move it.

Ditch the DP. You’ve worked so hard on making your DS stable and happy, the DP (who has his own issues) is an adult and if he can’t adapt he must go.

I do think at 11 he is too young to understand what leaving you might actually be like. I think you now need to give him space with just you and him to work things out. You may need to say let’s give it 2 months just us and then talk again about living with your dad. You need to step up, get your dp to move out ASAP and get back to a stable home for your ds. You sound like you do an amazing job.

I’m not sure how you’ve got here. Are you renting or own? How long have you lived together and where were you and DS before? Clearly you and DP can no longer live together, you have to put your son first. You can date when he’s with his dad but the status quo isn’t working.

It doesn’t sound like your ex would want DS living with him. So take that off the table. You or DP move out, ASAP, and you need to put a lot of effort into reassuring DS that he’s your priority, that DP’s issues aren’t any reflection on him and that you’re sorry DP’s behaviour has been so upsetting to him.

I’m already looking at flats, ideally closer to my ex (as much as I don’t want to live close to him!) so that I’m more likely to be able to help with DS. What’s breaking my heart is that my DS might not want to see me anyway. He’s telling me to stay so that I have company, or if I leave he said “find another boyfriend so you aren’t alone” (he’s very young in some ways so thinks you can just get a new partner whenever you like!)

So you don’t think I should mention anything to my ex at this point?

That’s good advice, I hadn’t considered delaying it like that. Thank you

I’m not sure how we got here either. It’s complicated and a little bit outing so I won’t give too many details. Basically about 6 months ago the place DS and I were in was about to be sold so we needed to move. I was obviously looking at places to rent when DP and I had a discussion about us staying with him for a while (initially that’s how we discussed it). We ended up staying with DP due to the housing situation and I had to make the decision on moving with DS to another rented place and then potentially in with DP after another year or so, or staying with DP. It felt too soon but they got along great, DP is a good man and he owns his house and wanted us there so it seemed more stable and less moves for DS. I realise now I messed up. It honestly came from a good place.

DS doesn’t really want to
live with his dad, he just really really doesn’t want to live with your DP. This is his way of telling you how unbearable the situation is for him. He wants to know that he is your priority - which he clearly is. In your shoes, I would say “I hear you, I know this isn’t working, we are going to find a place for just the two of us as a matter of urgency”. In the meantime can DP give DS some space, so that he’s not being upset by his lack of affection?

I wouldn't take him saying he doesn't want to live with you too seriously.

He doesn't like the now situation.
Sees that as the now solution.

He obviously has empathy for you but I think your partner has checked out.

Kindly, I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself with talk of how DS will go to live with his dad and how all the after school arrangements etc will change like it’s a fait accompli. As @Rotherweird says above, DS is expressing a need for change, not a request to live with his dad.

it hadn’t occurred to me that he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted to live with his dad. I’ll talk to him again now. Thank you.

I think your ds is trying to make everyone happy. He wants his dads only so you're free to find a bf.

Tell ds, that the two of you are going to find a new flat, you need him to help make it a home. That the new flat is only for you two, you know you rushed dp moving in and that won't happen again. If he's not happy at the new flat then you'll help him talk to his dad about moving in.

I honestly don’t think you need to talk to him about it anymore at this stage. He says he wanted to live with his dad because he couldn’t articulate how he really feels - I.e, the situation with your DP is intolerable to him. If you talk to him further and try to get him to ‘admit’ this is the real issue, you risk him entrenching his position because he sounds an empathetic little soul who doesn’t want the ‘responsibility’ of breaking up your relationship.

I would find somewhere else to live, tell your DS what is happening and then play it very gently for at least a couple of months. If at the end of that time, he still wants to live with his dad you can explore that. But you don’t have to go from being the resident parent to only seeing DS every other weekend - residency arrangements can be 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever works for you. This is especially true if you live close to his dad. And while DS is old enough that his views will be taken into account, he doesn’t get to decide as such. Would your ex even want him full time?

Moving into a place of your own for just the 2 of you sounds like the best plan.
It does sound as though neither you nor your son are quite acclimated to accepting differences in other people. You recognize your differences , and it does sound as though your partner was making an effort to adapt to your unique behavior and responses. His adaptation clearly left a lot to be desired.

Your adaptation to his inability to be openly demonstrative also leaves a lot to be desired. It seems that you all expect to be accepted as you are but are less capable of doing the same with each other. Your son is young, so his responses are evolving. You and your partner may have to accept that even the most loving of partners may not be capable of meeting all of your needs. You need to decide if his actively demonstrating loving behavior and concern can compensate for his inability to articulate his feelings or act as openly affectionate as you might desire..

You and your son will probably benefit from living alone. That need not mean the end of your relationship. It is also normal for adolescents to sometimes think that a more permissive environment is preferable. He is not choosing dad over you; he is thinking with a 10-11 year old mind set about tomorrow as opposed to long term.

A place of your own will decompress this situation for all of you, and allow you to become reacquainted in a far less stressful living situation.

At 11 I'm sure I would have thrown out the "I want to leave" option if my parents had been separated. Unfortunately they weren't so I had to tell them I'd rather live in foster care when I wasn't getting my own way.

People give children's ideas so much weight these days but sometimes it really is just childlike tantrums and frustration after a bad day.

Please don't talk to your DS without carefully thinking about what you will say.

Your train of thought is odd and you many need some professional help to think things through rationally, this really isn't meant as a criticism.

But to take the words of an 11 year old at face value and immediately start planning his life away from you suggests you may need support with your mental well being.

Children of blending families often become the ultimate people pleasers, no matter how distressing things are for them.

Tell your child that what will make you the happiest is to get a little place just for the two of you where you can have your own routines and house rules.

It is becoming increasingly understood that emotional neglect and witholding of affection is harmful to children - children need to hear that they are loved and precious and worth defending. I think something has gone very right with how you've raised your son, where he knows this is what he deserves and he doesn't want to settle for less than that. Abusive arrangements are absolutely rife and unfortunately lots of people stay much longer than they should because they excuse and justify the behaviour that makes them feel emotionally-unsafe. Your son has a great instinct about protecting himself and I think you should feel relieved and glad he values his needs and is not likely to tolerate an abusive relationship in the future. It is great you are taking action and moving out.
It may be that your DP cannot change, and means no harm or intentional hurt by his behaviour, but behaviour is what affects the people around us - not the thoughts in our heads,. So his behaviour is hurting your son, regardless of his intentions.

Thank you for all the replies, you’ve helped me see that I can hopefully sort this out without him feeling he needs to move to his dad’s x

There are two things about relationships I’ve learned the hard way: 1. don’t waste your time with someone who acts as though every morsel of love and affection needs to be dragged out of them. They are either damaged or manipulative (or both) and either way, it’s their problem to work on not yours. You don’t have to earn basic love and affection. 2. Never decide to live together because one of you has lost or is about to lose their current accomodation.

Your child needs you. Move out ASAP. Within 6 month living together and your DS wants to move away, he's unhappy, you need to be the parent and do right by him.
Good luck

The thing is that your dp doesn't love your son. He's the son of his girlfriend and it's not like he raised him. Your son has two patents that do love him. I am sure our dp is fond of your son but I think the reason why your dp wont say those words is because they're not true. I don't know if your son can understand that concept. Maybe like friends like each other. Perhaps you could encourage him to say "I like you". I think your dp might be much less resistant to saying this.

I’m back with an update, thanks again for all the responses.

Firstly I take everyone’s comments on board and acknowledge that my response to DS saying this may have seen a bit odd. I am diagnosed autistic so I know I can have different perspectives on things! Also when XH and I divorced we had lots of problems with him threatening to go for full custody, change DS school, put him in childcare etc. Basically turn his life upside down to suit XH, definitely not in DS best interests! So I guess this just brought all that back to the surface and I panicked with it all. I see now I was getting ahead of myself with it all!

Anyway. DS was due to go to his dad on Friday night for one night. I had spoken to DS briefly and said we would sort it out, just us and not to get too ahead of ourselves with what was happening and promised I’d sort it and just want him to be happy. He was (weirdly) against this and just kept maintaining that I was to stay with DP! I left it and decided to speak to DP whilst DS was away rather than him overhearing. Friday morning came and DS said he didn’t feel well, didn’t want to go to his dad’s house. Seemed odd as he wanted to move there earlier this week, I tried to encourage him to go (I knew XH wouldn’t be happy and DS didn’t seem ill) but as the day went on DS said he felt sick and had an upset tummy, in the end he didn’t go. DP and I had a conversation once DS was in bed and DP was very upset, saying he does love us both and just can’t say it etc. He couldn’t believe he had made DS feel unloved and was even crying. He offered to go and stay with his dad whilst DS and I sorted everything out and found somewhere to go (it’s DP’s house), was very upset about it all but said he couldn’t be the reason DS was unhappy and he was sorry, etc.

We believed DS was asleep in bed, we also weren’t shouting at all but the next day DS came to us very tearful and sorry and had clearly heard some of the conversation. He was begging DP not to go to his dad’s and saying sorry, we couldn’t work out why. They were both crying at one point (okay I was too). Eventually we got to the bottom of it- DS didn’t want to go anywhere. The last time he was with his dad he had been fed a load of crap about XH not being able to afford to live (he can) because he gives me so much (he doesn’t) and how DP and I have lots of money (we don’t!), he also said he was lonely but I have DP and it wasn’t fair. He was telling DS that he needed to go and live with him for a while now to “make it fair” but that DS needed to lie to me to make it happen. DS always feels sad for other people and also would never believe his dad would lie to him. Obviously there’s a lot more to it than that but I believe DS completely and it all makes sense as I know what his dad is like (can’t believe I didn’t think it could be that really).

DP and DS did a whole sorry thing and said they love each other, DS broke down and said he wishes DP was his real dad, it was all quite heartbreaking really. DP apologised for his emotional issues and not showing he cares and DS has said he will try and realise he does love him, DP has also agreed to be more laid back with DS behaviour, etc. They’ve been like best mates ever since, DP is making more effort to be “caring” (he is caring but not in obvious ways) and DS is being a bit needy with both of us but he’s much happier now and getting there. It seems his behaviour has been worse recently because of all this on his mind (understandable) and now DP feels bad for getting upset with him. We’ve discussed being honest etc with DS (about all of this and the fake tummy bug!) and how he can talk to me about anything. It seems that no one is going to live with their dad!

Temporary reprieve aside (because this is a temporary reprieve - your boyfriend can't permanently change his personality and isn't going to become an outwardly loving or tactile person, even if he's trying his best to spray it on in the aftermath of all this) this is a very intense situation for an 11 year child, especially one with some vulnerabilities. You've been with your boyfriend for 2.5 years and you say that he "eventually" met your son so they've been acquainted for, what, a year? 18 months? And he's telling this man that he loves him and wishes he was his dad? And your boyfriend is telling your son that he loves him? It's just way too much. It's also not fair to have all these talks with your son about where he wants to live etc. That's too much pressure for him. These are adult decisions that he shouldn't feel responsible for being part of, whether or not he thinks he wants to be. You're his mum and he needs to know that you're in control and are handling things for him. Sometimes what kids need and what they (think they) want are two different things. It's our job to meet their needs first and foremost.

Your DS doesn't get a say.
Would your Ex even agree to this?
You do need to separate and live alone but your DS will be remaining with you.

Ex CV is really manipulative